The Therapy Edit - On 5 tips for easing social anxiety

Episode Date: March 28, 2022

I'm not the only one who has walked into a social situation post-pandemic and experienced a fresh wave of anxiety. How comfortable and confident we feel around others is something that can grow in time as we flex our social muscles again! I share 5 tips to help you along the way.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hey everyone. On today's episode of the Therapy Edit, I'm responding to a message that I got about a topic to explore. And it's a please talk about social anxiety. Mine has gotten so much. much worse since the pandemic. Now, I completely relate. I think I have definitely experienced social anxiety to varying degrees over the years, but I think at the worst time, I remember being in a hall and it was one of those, my idea of a nightmare at the time was, you know, when you stand and everyone mills around and kind of talks to each other and that was my idea of a nightmare. I remember

my heart racing. I think from the outside you would not have known, but I literally, I was so kind of hyper-focused on everything about my body and what I was saying. I didn't even know. I remember thinking I literally do not even know. What do I do within my hands and looking around wondering, what are people doing with their hands? What do people do with their hands? Am I doing something? Do I look awkward? Do I sound awkward? My joke's terrible. Am I talking too much? Am I not talking enough? It just felt so unnatural and so uneasy. And we're as humans as we are built for community. We're hardwired for connection and community. It's so important, isn't it? There is nothing like feeling known and feeling connected to someone. And we all have those

relationships where we just feel really safe. And I think social anxiety is like the total opposite of that feeling. It feels like there is fear around socialising in some way or another. I remember completely ruminating going over in my head what I'd said, oh my goodness, I shouldn't have said that. What must they have thought? There was a lot of fear around what people might have thought about what I said. Now, I will tell you with absolute confidence that it is, it's totally possible if you feel social anxiety to any level and it's it's totally possible to work towards a more comfortable feeling. you're socialising, whether it's in a work setting, whether it's at the school gates,

wherever you are, it is so possible to work towards feeling more comfortable and confident in time. Now, I touch on this quite a lot in my book, Know Your Worth. So if this is something you want to delve into, then I definitely recommend having a read of Know Your Worth. And then also on the Mother Mine Way, I've got the week on Worth course. And that's kind of quite a systematic one week, kind of 10 minutes a day. And that also addresses kind of confidence. and social anxiety. But social anxiety is, you know, essentially a fear or a feeling of dis-ease around social situations. You might find that you're analysing them, how you looked, what you said. You might be worrying about embarrassing yourself, being judged. Maybe like me,

you feared, like looking awkward or anxious or you worry about being, being criticised. Now, I want to give you five tips, things that have really helped me in the past. And also, I must admit, like things that are still really helping me now because socializing is feeling comfortable in social situations. It is like a muscle. Confidence is a muscle. So therefore, if you're struggling with social anxiety more than you did before or you feel like you've taken a few steps back and you thought, my gosh, I was doing so well and now I feel back there again or perhaps you're struggling with social anxiety for the first time and you're just questioning, oh my gosh, what is this feeling? I've never had this before. After the last couple of

years, if we think of socialising and confidence as a muscle, it's not surprising, having had that removed from our life so dramatically, so drastically, it's not surprising that that muscle has lost some strength. But the best thing about muscles is that we can build them back up again and that is done in time little by little i am i'm not alone i know in being a very all-or-nothing kind of person so if you are someone who has suddenly dove dived doven i don't know what the how we how we say that word but if you are someone who has dived into back into socializing again. And you're feeling uncomfortable. You know, confidence and our social muscle is something that we can build over time and gently. All is not lost. All is not lost. So tip number one, go gently on

yourself. Recognise socializing as a muscle. You know, if you feel it's lost its strength, if you feel a bit uncomfortable or really uncomfortable, it's not surprising. It's not surprising. I would recommend if you're going into a social situation, I have found doing this so incredibly powerful. Let someone know. Let someone know. Or even if you've got the guts to or you want to step out of your comfort zone a little bit, let someone that you don't know, no. I remember walking into an event and I hadn't been to an event for ages. I just felt incredibly uncomfortable. I felt that social anxiety bubbling inside of me. I felt awkward. I didn't know who to talk to you. I almost kind of forgot what to say. How do I continue a conversation? What should I be asking

lots of questions? It just felt uncomfortable. And I remember walking up to the first person that said hello to me. And I just arrived. And I said to her, oh my gosh, I'm feeling so the social anxiety is real. And she just looked at me and she smiled and she said, oh, yeah, same. Now, whether the person you're speaking to feels socially anxious or not, people know how it feels to feel fearful and uncomfortable, even if they don't disclose it. And it might not be social anxiety that they specifically relate to, but we all have areas in our lives. Everybody, take this from a therapist of however many years, 12 years-ish, we are everybody, no matter how to, together people seem everybody is battling something everybody is challenged by something everybody knows what it feels like to feel fearful and uncomfortable and out of place sometimes even if

it's not in the same context so know that in your heart everybody knows that feeling in some way or another and i just find that really helpful when i walk into a room there's that assumption that often we buy into, that everybody, everybody else is far more functional, far more comfortable than me. And actually just reminding myself that everybody knows what it feels like to feel fearful and uncomfortable, even if they don't disclose it. And if I say, oh, I'm just feeling the anxiety to someone that I know, maybe even if I feel like it's someone I don't, that can just really break through that, that feeling of being alone. So number two, avoid totally avoiding things it's very easy when we're feeling anxious or we know something sparks

that feeling of anxiety in us to completely avoid it but then we give it so much power don't we because the longer we then go without doing that thing the less we're able to strengthen that muscle so instead of totally avoiding things i recommend that you put some boundaries in place build up slowly how can you give yourself an out you can be as honest as you like i might say oh i can only come in for half an hour and that removes the pressure to be there for a certain amount of time to be the last one standing you know how can you build up slowly because when we push ourselves to that anxious or panic point we're far than less likely to return aren't we to return back into that environment so how can you build it up gently and maybe give yourself an out so that you've been there

not to that point of anxiety or or just kind of gently nudge your comfort zone and you've had a much better experience that you're more likely to return to. Number three, be careful how you diarize things. Leave gaps in your diary. When someone invites you to something, maybe just pause before you say yes and use a pausing technique. I love the one. Let me check my diary. I might know that my automatic response is to be like, I'm free, I'll do it. When actually, if you can take a little moments checking with your capacity, how are you doing emotionally, mentally? Because stepping outside of your comfort zone is really good, but it requires energy. And have you got it in the bag? Can you make space for it? Perhaps, you know, you do do that thing, but you have a little

bit of breathing space before and after. To acknowledge that this is stretching you, this is stretching that muscle. Number four, don't take too much responsibility. Oh my goodness, this is such a big one for me. I remember specifically in my mind taking so much responsibility for how that conversation went. If it was awkward, if there was a silence, that was my responsibility to fill. That was my responsibility to rectify any misunderstanding or not to leave any room for misunderstanding. A conversation is one of two halves. You know, we're naturally crash words. We speak over each other. Sometimes we lose track. How the conversation goes isn't a statement about your ability to have one. I find that so helpful because no conversation is perfect. We are

always going to be a bunch of messy humans having a messy dialogue. So don't take responsibility for how that conversation goes. Number five, avoid overthinking. This is a bigon, isn't it? Because when you find yourself ruminating, you know, going over what you said, ask yourself, what are you hoping to discover? From doing this overthinking, what do you want? Do you want, do you want reassurance that it all went okay? If so, how might you seek that reassurance? elsewhere or even offer it to yourself if you're able to you know just that reminder of oh well it was a human conversation it was messy we both probably said things may have been unfunny or confusing or left gaps but that is humans having a chat that is not my responsibility for it

to be perfect there is no such things as a perfect conversation you know if you want reassurance how can you how can you seek that if you want comfort you're probably not going to find it at the end of a load of rumination, are we? We often don't come out of ruminating, feeling any better. So if you need to feel understood and comforted, you know, who might you speak to you? Can you even not offer that to yourself? I love counting back from 103s. You'll know that that's such a go-to for me for halting that rumination. But ultimately, go gentle on yourself. Remember that this is a muscle. It shouldn't be in an all or nothing. It shouldn't be a tearing off the band-aid. How can you take gentle steps of nudging that comfort zone? So it's not avoiding it. It's doing it

with those boundaries that actually mean that you don't get to that panic point. You're far more likely than to return. So I hope that's helpful. And as I said, there is so much more on this in my book, know you're worth and then the week on worth course. But if you feel like the social anxiety, it's completely overwhelming, or if you're feeling really isolated by it, I really encourage you to speak to a doctor who might be able to point you towards some therapy or some resources to give you the bit of extra support that you so deserve. You so deserve. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha.

You might like to check out my two books. called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Worth. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mothers' mental and emotional wellbeing. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.