The Therapy Edit - On 5 tips to help when you feel excluded

Episode Date: October 23, 2023

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit Anna considers the scenario that may have happened to many of us as mums, the feeling that we've been excluded or left out.Motherhood often comes with new relationships and scary moments walking into baby groups or meeting people at the school gates. So, we really hope these 5 tips to help you when you feel excluded help you to build better and more meaningful relationships that help you enjoy a happier motherhood.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, Psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi there. You have a solo episode, just me chatting away for the next 10 minutes and I'm going to share with you five things that will help when you feel excluded. This came from a listener question. But before. I launch in, I just want to say, if you're enjoying the podcast, don't forget to subscribe and don't forget to send an episode to your friend or share it on social media. It really helps get the word out there. And I'm so grateful. And don't forget also that you can drop me an email with a question because today I'm answering a listener question and somebody dropped

me an email and they said, Anna, you talk a bit about the loneliness we experience sometimes in motherhood. And I have a number of friends who have been going along to groups where they have not felt accepted. I recently saw members of my antenatal groups, some of whom I thought were close friends out for a drink, which I wasn't invited to. I felt really upset about it. I'd love a podcast on how to deal with exclusion, especially during times when you're already feeling lonely. I think we've all had those moments, those moments of seeing people do stuff, and knowing that we've been left out for some reason accidentally or intentionally or just maybe even going along to a group or spending times with friends, spending times with friends and just feeling like you're just not part of it in the way that you had hoped or maybe the way that you felt previously. So I'm going to give you five ways to deal with these feelings that we have when we might feel a bit rejected or a bit left out or a bit excluded.

So number one, acknowledge your feelings. Of course, I'm always going to say something like this because it's okay to feel hurt and confused, validate these feelings. Maybe you voice them with friends or a partner and you just take a moment to say, you know what, this happened? I'm actually feeling hurt or I'm actually feeling confused about what's going on here and I maybe feel a bit rejected or it's having me question my relationships or my friendships. Think about times that you felt like this before. because sometimes feelings can feel extra pertinent and just intense because they link back to other feelings that you might have had or other circumstances that you might have had sometimes

maybe even way back when, maybe even at school. I know there were definitely times for me at school where I felt left out or not part of a certain crew of people and I felt maybe rejected. And sometimes when we have these feelings in our adult life, they actually link back to some of those earlier feelings that we have had. And this can kind of add and heap on extra meaning. So just validate them, acknowledge them, voice them, have them heard by someone else perhaps that isn't part of that group just to know that they're being heard, to know that those feelings are being acknowledged.

It might feel like it's actually a really regular feeling for you. you might question what's going on why does this keep happening to me and we can get extra insight when we talk through it with someone that we trust it might be that you want some therapeutic insight maybe you can explore this further perhaps there are patterns to be that keep cropping up but acknowledge them acknowledge those feelings as humans we want to feel it's actually this kind of innate drive and desiriness to feel like part of something and that's very much a survival instinct because we need to be supported by people, even if we find it hard to accept support and we find it hard to be vulnerable with others. We have this innate need. It's a survival instinct to

be accepted. So it's understandable that sometimes it just really draws with us and finds us questioning things. So acknowledge your feelings, number one. Number two. Now this can be like bum clenchingly difficult at times, but I encourage you to consider if you can, talking to the friend who left you out. Because in talking to someone, we can maybe find that there's a reason. Maybe it's that someone else organized that gathering and invited them along. So actually, it wasn't initiated by them. So they didn't feel like they could ask you as well. Maybe there's been a misunderstanding or maybe something that someone has said or something you've said has been misconstrued at some point. Now, it can feel really scary and brave to have these

conversations and I encourage you to to mention that as well like I might say to a friend you know what this is really hard for me to bring up because everything in me wants to just sweep under the carpet because I'm worried it's going to feel awkward but when you met up the other day I felt quite left out is there anything that I've done wrong or is is there anything that you know you can say as to why I wasn't invited because I'd really I'd really like to know because often we fill in the gaps, don't we, of what we don't know. We often fill in the gaps with stories or kind of created reasons that often reflect our insecurity, like they don't like me.

Maybe we're fearful that we're not going to be liked and accepted. So the story that we write to make sense of it is one that affirms that. So talking it through can help get some insight or some feedback, which can be really hard, but it's actually more likely to give you a true insight into what's going on. Number three, now this is more to do with kind of developing relationships and friendships. So my third point is to keep going to the same places that you enjoy. Even if it's hard, even if you're there and you just see that everyone else seems to really know each other, but you're far more likely to form and strengthen relationships with those that begin to

feel familiar. When you see the same faces in the same places, you're more likely to end up having the confidence to strike up conversation and to strengthen or develop new relationships. So keep going to the same places that you enjoy. Keep doing those things and it might be, it might become easier to start having some of those conversations that build relationships that are meaningful. Number four, invest in the relationships you enjoy. Think about those friends that actually do include you, the ones that do bear you in mind. Focus on those relationships that make you feel good and supported. Turn your attention towards deepening those relationships. We all need to feel seen and heard at times that I might have felt left out. It's so easy

just for that to feel all consuming, for that rejection to feel so big. And what I try and encourage myself to do in those times is to turn my attention and that resource, that headspace, towards the relationships that are good and consistent and feel supportive in my life. So that's another thing I encourage you to do and invest in those relationships that you enjoy. And fifth and finally, this is a big one actually. Maybe it should have gone first, but I'm going to end on this one. Disconnect that feeling of being rejected from your sense of worth because often the feelings that arise in us when we feel left out or overlooked can so,

often feed and fuel those really shaming self-critical statements of I'm not good enough, I'm not likable, people don't want me. You know, often when we feel rejected, we can spiral into that place of shame and self-criticism and it can be really hard to feel misunderstood and overlooked. Hold on to those truths that you know. You are loved and supported by those who know you really well. Those might just be your kids thinking that they love me. They accept me for who I am in those moments where I get it all wrong or your partner or a good parent perhaps. Just think about those people that know you through thick and thin and care about you because that can be a really anchoring truth to hold on to when you feel rejected. Another truth that you might want to remind

yourself of is that you're a good person just trying to be kind. Now, if you're a good person, just trying to be kind. Now, if you often feel this way, if these moments really have you questioning your worth and likability and your validity, then my book, Know Your Worth, will really help you with this and it has lots of ways in it to nurture self-esteem and confidence if these kind of limiting beliefs can get in the way sometimes and just to challenge, yeah, just to challenge who and how you know yourself to be and find confidence in pursuing those relationships and having some of those difficult conversations. So there we go. Five ways to to deal with some of those feelings of exclusion and rejection. I hope that's helpful. And I wish you love in navigating these things. I can really kind of stir, you know, prompt those feelings of shame and it can just feel so uncomfortable and all consuming sometimes. So I hope that helps. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any

resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses on everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website, anamatha.com. And also, don't forget my brand new book, Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon. Thank you.