The Therapy Edit - On 5 ways to better channel your rage

Episode Date: June 5, 2023

In this solo episode of the The Therapy Edit Anna considers how common, yet surprising it is for mothers to feel episodes of anger and rage, recalling some words she wrote in response to a character from the Netflix series Ozark talking about fierce motherhood.And of course she offers us 5 therapeutic suggestions and ways to minimise the chances of feeling these emotions and channeling them more positively when they do occur.Anna names some further resources to support you to manage your feelings of anger and range.You'll find the People Pleasing course hereYou can buy Anna's second book, Know Your Worth here

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello, welcome to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. Today I'm going to talk about anger and rage. I don't know about you, but pre-motherhood, I wouldn't necessarily have said that I was an angry person. I would have said it was quite fiery, quite stubborn, quite emotional, but I didn't really think I had a challenge with anger or rage. It always seemed to be fairly well placed, apart from when I'm hormonal, and then it goes a little bit off-paced. And I'd find myself feeling irritable and angry about things perhaps I wouldn't normally feel that way about. But

since being a mum, I've definitely, especially in the pandemic, definitely experienced more anger and rage. And I'm going to give you five, five tips and ways to deal with anger and rage that just bubbles up in us as mums. But this basically came from an article that I found I was clearing up my laptop. Sometimes it just gets a bit much with just folders and bits of writing everywhere. And I found this article that I'd written for Grazie magazine. And it was all about, I don't know if you ever watched Ozark. It doesn't matter. If you haven't, it's not going to, it's not going to matter. you'll still understand where I'm coming from with this. But when Wendy Bird had spoken about being fierce in motherhood.

Now, Wendy Bird's parenting style isn't exactly traditional, let's say. But there was an element of this fierce mothering that was brought to my attention. And I was asked to comment on it. So I'm going to share some of the thoughts that I had. There was this little exchange in one of the episode when Wendy said, when you become a parent, a whole other instinct kicks in. Mya said, my mother said, being a parent makes you selfish. And Wendy said, no, no, it makes you fierce. So I want to talk about this fierceness that can sometimes arise in us in good ways, not so constructive ways, but Wendy's

words echoed through my mind, being a mum, being a parent makes you fierce. Now, over the last eight years of being a mother, there have been many moments where I have been overcome by an energy so fierce that my usual tentative or people pleasing ways kind of just disappear into the shadows as if they weren't even a part of my personality. Now, I remember moments where I have screamed for help with wild abandon, no care as to what fall I might make of myself when a child has been hurt. I have sprinted through a water park with bliss. and burning feet without my flip flops on to find a child that I have lost. I have thrown glances like daggers when I feel one of my kids has been treated badly by another parent

in a park, for example. Now, I have found strength, resilience in a ferocity that I never knew that I had. So yeah, when the motherhood certainly makes us fierce when it comes down to the wire when the safety or the sanity of your kids is hanging on a thread or a decision, you'll fight to the death like a lioness, ravaging its prey or protecting its young, totally uncaring of what or who it disrupts in the process. Can you think of moments where you have felt that ferocity of motherhood, that ferociousness? Now, we are compassionate, loving, nurturers. But we know that that is not all that motherhood required. us to be as much as that the fantasy of motherhood might tell us that that is what is about is about compassionate love nurturing. We are also jealous and angry, ambitious and hateful and messy and flawed and passionate, aren't we? We're those things too. We're all of those things in our humanness. Out of fear of this ferociousness getting out of hand or erupting out of So many of us feel ashamed or we feel guilty about this fire, this mum fire that roars within us.

But what if instead of fearing it, we harness it instead? What if instead of fearing it and just trying to put it out because we fear it erupting in those moments that we don't want it to? What if we harness it instead? How can we channel some of that ferociously? instead of just constantly blaming ourselves for it and trying to find ways to get rid of it. Here are five ways. Okay, number one, reframe rest.

I talk about this a lot because it's flipping important and we really struggle to do it. I struggle to do it, which is why I'm always reflecting on it. Guard rest as if your happiness depends on it because you know what? Your happiness does depend on rest. When you are burnt out and you are stretched, how? Happy are you able to be. Acknowledge rest as recovery from the challenges that you've faced and as training for the ones that are ahead.

There is no need to apologize for having human limits. Often we apologize to others when we need to slow down. We apologize to others when we need to take something off our plate. We're not able to do it. Instead, try and accept rest as necessary. It's important to the rhythm of your day. Diorize it, normalize it, put it in first if and where you can, be creative about how you get it. It might feel like a renegade act, a rebellious act in a world that idolizes busyness.

But your rest is vital to your healthy well-being. Number two is find your fun. Find your fun. You're facilitating fun for those around you, but how much fun do you have? It helps us let off steam. It fills us up. It makes you feel more you doing the things that you love. It enables you to be more loving. You know you love. You know you love your kids. You know you love the people in your life that matter most. But when we are done in, it's really hard to act loving. So seek fun and acknowledge that as you protect and prioritize the things that bring you joy where you can, you are resourcing yourself to love. You are resourcing yourself to channel that ferocity. inside of you in a way that is more productive and conducive to parenting in a way that you like. Now be mindful of martyrdom. I am forever challenged by this quote by Carl Young. So there is

no greater burden on a child than the unlived life of a parent. Oh my goodness. When we completely give ourselves a way to motherhood, despite the desire to benefit our children, it's often with an enormous pressure for them to carry that weight of time, energy and expectation. loving doesn't mean giving yourself away until there's nothing left. Have a little think, what have you tucked away or put on pause for motherhood and how might you engage in it? As you fiercely flourish, you encourage your children to flourish as well. Number four, put a price on your resources. You know, never has my people pleasing drive been as challenged as it did in motherhood.

There's less time. There is less energy available to be a people please. are when you become a mum. You have to make choices for your kids in order to help them thrive, which can lead to saying no more often. Your resources have a cost. Each ounce of energy, time and patience you give out, all have a cost attached. The more depleted you are, the higher the price, the more demand it is on you to be giving out. Implement new boundaries, strengthen other ones, reassess them. Know that as you hold those boundaries fiercely, even though some people won't understand. It's allowing you to love and live in a more healthy and fulfilling way.

So addressing that people pleasing. I have got a book, Know You're Worth, which will help with this. I've got a people pleasing course on my website that will also take you through this journey. Now finally, number five, turn up the volume. Think about the things that you don't say, the opinions that you don't express the things that you are keeping in the feelings that you don't validate and the needs that you don't verbalize. Challenge yourself to start speaking these things out even if your palms are sweating. Your experience might not be everyone's experience and your needs might look different,

but they are important or the same. You will be misunderstood sometimes as you start speaking out but take small risks of vulnerability because it builds up confidence along the way and it means that all those needs being pushed down are less likely to erupt. out when we feel depleted and done because ultimately we're being unheard, not only by others, but by ourselves. So how can you listen to yourself and turn up the volume and express some of these things? And our fears might have had a bad rap in a world where playing it's small to please others has reigned. But what's happened in the process? We've lost our passions, our confidence and our identities, right? So let's change that because we can be nurturing

and fierce. So let's embrace this swelling energy inside of us that is willing to push a normal narratives aside to keep the things that matter most safe. Let's harness it in the day to day, find our voices and take our space in this world. Let's fan the flames of fears as we prioritize doing the things that we love and protecting our boundaries like lionesses so that we can love those we love well. So I hope that's helpful. All out of the little Ozark quote. There we go. Thank you so much for listening. Please do take a moment to subscribe, rate and review as it really helps get these words out to benefit more juggling parents like us. And head to anamatha.com to find my resources on everything from health anxiety to people

pleasing starting at only £20. And finally, don't forget to pre-order my new book, Raising a Happier Mother, How to Find Balance, Feel Good, and See Your children flourish as a result. I can't wait for you to have that. Take care and we'll chat soon.