The Therapy Edit - On 5 ways to find a new you

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit that airs in the run up to Christmas, Anna looks to get ahead of the New Year New You way of thinking and offers listeners 5 ways to a new you, or more sustainably 5 small things you can do to help you feel better. No target smashing required! We hope you enjoy.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. Welcome to today's solo episode of The Therapy Edit. Now, it's a bit of a trick title, really, on five ways to a new you because is there such thing anyway? It's a such thing as a new you. I know that that's often what we want is now on the 1st of January. We want to feel different. We want to stick a stake in the ground and go, no more of this, I'm going to be better at this.

I'm getting rid of that. And actually in reality, with the same us, with the same us, but maybe just with really, really strong intentions. And intentions are great, but often the stronger they are, the more potential for us to feel dejected when we are not able to sustain them. So I want you to put your really strong intentions to the side for a moment. I'm not really going to tell you five ways to a new you. However, I am going to share with you five small things that you can do this year that by the time you get to this time next year, you will feel different. And they're just tiny little things, things that

have actually made a massive impact on me and the lovely mums that I work with and the clients that I work with. And they're just sustainable things and ways of looking at change and approaching change in a way that is actually more sustainable. So number one, whatever you feel like changing, whatever you feel like addressing, whatever goals you have, I would encourage you to just put aside the all or nothing. Put aside that from today everything's going to be different and just break it down. Break everything down. Any new habit, any new goal, just break it down so small that it actually feels implementable. If you want to read a book a week, a book a month, just push that aside and think what can I actually do in the day to day that is implementable

that this time next year will have made a shift but in the day to day it just feels like a small thing that I'm doing all of these small things they just add up so if you want to read

a book I think this was one of mine once I quickly realized I was going to read a chapter a day I quickly realized that that wasn't going to happen but I think the more days that I didn't do it the more guilt I felt the sense of failure the sense of why can't I stick at anything

and actually I just set my self the task of reading a page. It might even just be that you read a paragraph. And it might not be that you want to read a book at all. It might be that you want to move more. So you think, right, I'm going to do a workout every day or five times a week or three times a week. And actually, can you just break it down? You're busy. You've got a lot going on. Can you just break it down and build it up slowly? Build it up from a place of enjoying it. Building it up from a place of you've got a foundation that you're working from you're not just suddenly adding a whole new thing into your life and expecting yourself to do it from the off break it down five minutes a day of something

that moves your body and elevates your heart rate and is respectful of what resources you have that that day so it might look very different if you want to change your whole career your job you're not you're not loving it or you want to get into a career you want to start working maybe after maternity leave and actually you don't want to be going back to the same thing it feels like a massive thing you might say right in the new year i'm going to do that i'm going to address it i'm going to get a new job actually let's break it down two minutes a day give your give your mind a bit of time to think to dream to imagine to think about how else you might use those skills that you have just a couple of minutes and then maybe in a week or two you think yeah i'm going to every time i do

that couple of things, that couple of minutes. I'm going to do a bit of Googling, see what's out there. Just going to add that on. So build it up, break it down and build it up slowly. Number two, take into account your humanness, please, please so often the goals that we set for ourselves. We don't need margin for errors. We don't need margin for illness. We don't leave margin for just days where we just don't have any energy or margin for our ever-changing resources. When you approach change, please, when you approach anything, anything, everything, when you approach everything, take into account your humanness. You're not linear. You don't have the same resources. Every single day you don't wake up feeling the same. Every single day,

our kids don't. If my kids come home from school, sometimes full of beans, the time they just need to crash and to have expectation removed from them to do what they did yesterday. And that is a gracious and loving human, human way to approach things. And often the way we approach things for ourselves is to expect the same things from ourselves every day. And if we can't deliver it, then we criticize ourselves. So I encourage you when you're approaching change or addressing habit or whatever that may be, take into account your humanness and go for, this is the challenge. This is a challenge for all those perfectionists out there. Go for more of the time. Not all of the time. This is my favourite thing that's really shifted stuff for me. Go for more of

the time, not all of the time. Look on growth as, look at the bigger picture of things. You know, last week I did more of that. I did more of that than the week before. I did more of that than I used to. I address that critical internal dialogue more than I used to. That is growth. Zoom out. Look for more of the time, not all of the time. If we go for all of the time, then we fall, don't we? We fail. We're far more likely just to, you know, be all or nothing. Right, it's not working. On I go. That didn't work. And actually, if we're a bit gentler with ourselves, then we take into account the humanness, we're more likely to make change over time. slow it down, 24, slow it down, everything where you can. We can't always slow things down,

but when you can go gentle, go gentle, breathe slow, move slow, talk slow. This helps your nervous system. Because when we're rushing, rushing, rushing, and I know sometimes we have to rush, okay, I know that. I've got three kids, I know that it's a rush rush. Sometimes we can't just live slow there's stuff to be done people need to get places and that's fine but how often are you moving and rushing through when you don't need to be our nervous system is just on edge of we're in that fight or flight we're in that stress zone and actually just breathing moving talking a little bit slower tells your body it's okay you're safe and when you're approaching change we can we can approach it stressfully we're going to not have capacity to challenge ourselves or to coach ourselves and we're just in

not stress zone. So just going a little bit slower where you can is really going to help you navigate the moments that come up that say, as I've been addressing alcohol and drinking, not drinking. And there are moments when I'm stressed and I think, I just want a glass of wine tonight, sod it. I'm going to have a glass of wine. Actually, when I'm tearing around, you know, that impulse control is not going to be there in a way that if I actually just slow it down for a moment, re-engage that rest and digest state where we're more able just to think clearly and think the bigger picture. The bigger picture is that this isn't for me. The in the moment picture is that I just want to grab what I can to help myself that probably isn't going to be that helpful

in the longer term. So slow it down. Number four, be honest with yourself. We tell ourselves little white lies. I'll deal with that tomorrow. This isn't a problem. You know, kids tell white lies to get off trouble. But also we do this too. We tell ourselves white lies so that we don't have to address stuff or so that we can defer doing the things that we know we need to do. Now, we don't always want to be accountable to ourselves in the areas that we want to change or how we feel. But the thing is, we keep telling ourselves little white lies. You know, it's not really a problem. Ah, it's not really a bad habit. Oh, I sort it out tomorrow. I'll sort it out next month. Next. Next see her, I'll address that thing. And we keep telling ourselves, these little white lies and we keep

deferring those little addressing stuff that is going to be helpful to us. We kind of lose trust in ourselves. Now with kids, we often ask twice, don't we? Did you hit your brother? Did you hit your brother? And then it tends to be, if we're going to get an honest answer, it will probably be on the second ask, groan tit. Now ask yourself twice too. Did you really? have capacity? Do you really have capacity to say yes to that right now? Yeah, yeah, sure. It'll be fine. Yeah, I've got capacity. I can take that on at work. I can take, I can do that for my friend. Yeah, yeah, it's fine. Now, do you really have capacity to say yes to that right now? Oh, and I think about it. Oh, I'm just feeling a bit burnt out. So if I did it, I'd probably

regret it. So I don't really have capacity. Give yourself a chance to be honest to yourself. It sounds funny. But the more you recognise. how many white lies you tell yourself, the more you'll be able to kind of employ that decision making, that clarity to make a slightly choose a different route. Number five, don't settle for less than you'd want your kids to settle for. Now, this is my final one. And I want you to think about this.

We have a standard for our kids in their well-being and their mental health. If they're struggling, we want to seek tools. We want to get support. We want to find a way to support them. But what about you? What about when you're struggling? What about when your anxiety is picked up? What about when you're on your knees?

Make sure that the standards that you have for your children's mental health, you also have those standards for yourself as well. Notice where you accept less for yourself. Oh, I don't mind if someone treats me like that. Oh, just take it on the chin. But actually, if it was someone treating your child like that, you'd want to have a conversation with the teacher. or the nursery teacher or the parent because that isn't okay. So there we go. On five ways to

a new you that isn't really about a new you, but these little things, these little rules, these little ways to look at things and respond to things. Actually, when it comes to it, little by little, over the year, in a year's time, you might find yourself in a really different place. You don't need a new you. You're just, you're great the way you are. But yes, sometimes we do want to find a bit more ease for ourselves and I hope that helps. Take care. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses and everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website, anamatha.com.

And also, don't forget my brand new book, Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.