The Therapy Edit - On 5 ways to grow your confidence

Episode Date: January 9, 2023

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna opens up about her experience of social anxiety and a lack of confidence and offers listeners 5 practical ways to banish those unhelpful feelings.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hey there, I have a brand new solo episode today and it's something I think many of us, so many of us, seek. We're going to give you five tips, five ways to nurture and grow. in confidence. I am speaking as someone who has had such little confidence, such little enjoyment of social situations because I felt so over concerned as to what people might be thinking, whether they're pleased with me. I filled my diary for years with things, filled it to the brim with everything and anything that might serve and help others in some way, regardless of the cost to

myself, I have been burnt out behind the scenes due to kind of overcommitting to things. I have gone into social events and parties and even now I do this sometimes. You know, I walk up to a gathering and I feel that anxiety in my stomach and in my chest where I feel like I, all my confidence has just gone with each step towards it. I think confidence is something many of us would love more of. And whilst I still do have my moments, I have my days, I have times where I really doubt myself, times where I really struggle with feeling confident in myself and my thoughts and my choices. But when I look over the years, my confidence has grown so much. And I would love to share with you now five ways, five things that have really helped me.

five things that I have worked and worked through with many clients of mine in the therapy room and coaching sessions. So here we go. Number one. Now this is, it feels like a bit of a funny one because it's not really an active thing per se. But the thing that I'd love you to start doing is start noticing what you aren't saying or expressing. Start noticing. Start noticing. Start noticing the needs that you batte away, the opinions that you swallow down, the feelings that you don't verbalise. Just start noticing them. Perhaps you're talking to a friend and they say something you don't really agree with or you have an opinion that perhaps might jar slightly and you recognise that and you don't say anything. Perhaps it might be out of fear or worry

or maybe it feels like a vulnerable thing to do to actually step out and say those things verbally. Think about times that you have needs, that you don't share or express or ask to be met. Perhaps it's because you fear being a burden on someone. Perhaps it's because you fear being too much or not enough. Just start noticing those things that sit kind of just beyond your voice box that sit in your chest, that sit in your body and they don't

get expressed. You know, sometimes start that debate or express that passion or that, whatever it may be, just start noticing what you're not saying or expressing. That's step number one, okay? Don't you say anything about it? I'm not going to ask you just to start kind of chucking them all out there and demanding this and that. it's just a case of noticing what goes unsaid. Number two, I want you to think, do you value people?

Do you truly think that people matter equally? Now, I know this can be challenging because there are so many people in our world who have done terrible things who are getting things so wrong, causing so much damage. But I know this from having colleagues of mine that have worked with in kind of high, you know, high level prisons that everybody, everybody will have a story that could bring you to your knees. Everybody. When we really dig down beneath the destruction, we so often find pain, pain that led to destructive behavior because hurt people, hurt people often. So we can, you know, everyone is valuable, but actually that person or not the so much because of what they've done but when we really peel back the layers i can tell you

with certainty that everyone would have a story that could prompt compassion in you so with that in mind do you really believe that everybody is valuable that everybody has a right to have their basic at least their basic needs met we are all humans with a desire and a need for connection with a desire to feel needed in this world, to feel useful to others. Now that can get distorted and that can get messy, but ultimately we are valuable. Now you are not an exception to this rule. You are not so special that you are the exception to the rule that people have value, that people are precious, that people underneath all the lay.

is and underneath the mess and the behavior and the destructiveness and the self-destruction, you know, you are valuable and you are not an exception to that rule. So if you truly believe that people in your life have worth and value, then you are not an exception. So number one, start noticing what you're not saying or expressing. Number two, know that you have equal value to those that you care about and those that you love. No questions. What does it feel like? Do you want to grow up with that? Do you want to throw it out? What does that do? Number three, what people think about you? And often isn't that the driver for a lot of our behavior and the reason that we hold a lot of ourselves back? Perhaps it's the reason we lack confidence for some of us, for me, is that fear of

what other people think. Now, my middle child, my child that has some particular challenges, he has given me so much freedom in this. And for that, I will be forever grateful. You know, I step out in the day and perhaps I'm in town and I sense a judgmental glance. Of course, that's my assumption. It may well not be, but sometimes actually you just know that you're being judged, right? Sometimes you just sense it. It might be in a comment that it's made, it might be in a way that someone reacts to you or some advice that they give you. You know, I know that what people see of perhaps us strolling down the high street and maybe my child's having a tantrum, maybe I'm just knelt by him trying to calm him

and comfort him and perhaps some people walk past me and think that I should be being more strict or they think I'm not in control when actually I know the real story. I know the behind the scenes. I know the first chapter, the second chapter, the third chapter. And they are just seeing that one moment and making judgment on that one moment. Now, I'm so grateful to him because he has given me true confidence in that, the fact that what people think about you is truly a half story. How can we make statements about that which we do not truly know and expect them to be concrete? It's subjective opinion. What people think about me and perhaps my parenting or my personality or whatever it may be, it's when someone doesn't truly know you, then it is just

subjective opinion about a half story. And that really, really, really. can help your confidence, especially where you hold a lot of yourself back because of fear of judgment. Number four, remember, you do not like everyone too. You might not heavily dislike anyone in your life. Not everyone is going to be your cup of tea and that's not an insult to them. It's just the fact that sometimes we just gel or we're drawn to certain people more than others. And I just find that really helpful when, especially at times of my life, when I found it, felt it so painful to think that someone might not like me, it's that recognition that actually, do I want to spend time with everyone equally in my life? Am I drawn to certain

people? You know, not everyone likes green tea. I'm not a fan of green tea, but other people are. So that's not a statement that green tea is bad. It's a statement that actually it's just not for me. Number five, now this is the kind of active part of growing in confidence. Start doing your own experiments. See what happens when perhaps you're feeling quite safe or you're feeling quite confident or it's with someone that you can experiment a little bit with in this sense. And you say, you know what, actually, I think this. You know what, actually, I could really do with your help right now. I find it hard asking, but I could really do with your help. I'm trying to step out in asking a little bit more. Start doing your own experiment. See what happens. I remember

being so envious. I lived in London for a long time of those who could just shout down the tube. Excuse me. Can everyone move down, please? And I was envious because I thought, how have they got the confidence to do that? You know, some people find it annoying. Some people eye roll, but ultimately everyone just shuffles down and gets on with it. And I remember one day thinking, I wish I could do that. And then a few months later, I challenged myself to be that person. And I did. And I probably got looks or eye rolls. But ultimately, everyone moved down and we benefited from some breathing space. And it was just that little exercise that strengthened and strengthened my confidence and challenged my belief that I am always too much for others. That if I ask for support,

I won't get it. If I ask for something, it won't be acknowledged. So start doing your own experiments. And you'll know in yourself those moments that arise in your feel, perhaps this adrenaline and this anxiety coming out where you're thinking, you know what? This is one of those moments where perhaps I can say what I don't normally say. Perhaps I can ask for what I normally ignore. I think it's recognizing that on the whole, people can handle you. a lot more than you think. People can handle your no a lot more than you think. So there are some things that have really helped me and I hope they help you too. And I've got so much more of this in my book called Know Your Worth, which is all about kind of confidence and people pleasing and

self-esteem. So if this is resonating, I encourage you to go and get that book or download it on Audible or wherever you get your books and just start absorbing a little bit more of this challenge around confidence so that you too can begin to take your space. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Oath and Mother, Know Your Worth,

and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book. You don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon. Thank you.