The Therapy Edit - On 5 ways to make time for yourself

Episode Date: May 9, 2022

Prioritising yourself can be something that many mothers find really, really hard. We often tell ourselves that putting ourselves to the bottom of the pile is a demonstration of just how much we love our families. But it's not so, in fact it's quite the opposite! And in this episode I explain why and also offer 5 tips to help you start to make time for yourself.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello and welcome to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. And one of the topics that I got quite a few requests for the other day when I put a little box on my Instagram stories was Anna, how on earth do I make space for this self-care thing? So I've got five ways to make space for self-care, especially for those of you who really struggle with doing it at all. So, yeah, that's what we're going to talk about today.

I think the first thing I would like to talk about is that when we realize how utterly important something is, we make space for it. I think I've mentioned this moment before, but I remember in one of the lockdowns walking through our local fruit farms, I'm so lucky to have to have those on my doorstep. They've been a therapy for me. And walking over the last couple of years has really become one of my things that I do. For a long time, it was pretty much the only thing that we could do, wasn't it? I remember saying to my therapist on one of these walks around the fruit farms,

a Thursday afternoon when I speak to her. It's like walking helps me be a better parent. And she said, Anna, that's because these things do. And in that moment, I'd suddenly more so than ever before, really starkly connected the walking with how much I was able to give my children. Now, I'm not just talking about kind of physically giving to them. I was talking. I was talking about giving them patience. I was talking about widening that gap between reacting in a way that kind of popped out, you know, the shouting or the kind of sniping remark, whatever it is, you know, that reaction and the gap between that reaction and then how I wanted to be, even if it was just simply taking a deep breath before I responded. And I realized in that moment

how walking helped me be a better parent. It widened that gap. It gave me a beat. It gave me a moment to think how I wanted to respond. And yeah, her response was, well, that's because it does. And I think when we start to realize quite the effect of self-care on the things that really matter to us, on the way that we parent, on the way that we even can enjoy life, even gratitude. You know, we all want, we all want to feel grateful, don't we? We all want to recognize those little moments of joy in life. But when we're stressed and we're burnt out and we're depleted, we don't have the headspace sometimes even to look for those things or to enjoy them.

It takes energy to enjoy things, doesn't it? You know, when I'm depleted, I don't find things funny. I don't find things funny. because we need energy to laugh, we need energy to rationalise anxious thoughts, we need energy to be able to think before we react. So I think as soon as I really started to realise quite how self-care impacted the way that I related to people around me, I started prioritising even more because it's not, I don't see it as an act of indulgence, I see it as an absolute necessity, because it is so intrinsically linked to how I respond to those people in my life who I want to

respond well to because it makes it makes everything different doesn't it if we are happy in our relationships and we are able to relate in a way that we feel proud of or comfortable with or that it's in line with who I want to be then those relationships thrive and those things like for me and I know it's probably the same for you. My life is made better by these relationships and the healthier they are, the happier I am. So start realizing why these things, whatever self-care is for you,

start realizing and recognizing quite the intrinsic nature of how they impact the relationships that mean a lot to you. Number two is to break the downward spiral. So another way to make space for self-care is to break the downward spiral. Let me explain. Avoiding self-care negatively affects our self-esteem because everything that we do is a statement. Everything that we do is a message. Every little behavior, every little habit, we are sending a message to our self about our worth and our deservingness for good things. So when you are avoiding self-care, you are negatively, in some way, might just be a small way.

affecting your self-esteem. So when our self-esteem is negatively affected, when we're feeling a bit rubbish and we're feeling a bit low, then we're less likely to engage in those things, aren't we? We're less likely to engage in those acts because we don't feel worth it. We don't feel deserving of it. So my second point is to start breaking this kind of chicken and egg cycle by committing to doing one small thing, just one small thing, because the benefit will be motivating. I remember when I started just trying to do one small thing, because small things are so much more implementable, you know, something so small that you've got no excuse not to. For me, it was drinking more water. Now, I would say this wasn't so much self-care.

I would say this was actually a really basic fundamental act of self-respect, but actually sometimes we need to go back to that. You know, I started drinking more water and I had to be really intentional about it. I had to be really intentional about it because it just wasn't even on my radar. Overriding my thirst was my normal. So to start challenging that, you know, I was breaking this downward spiral. I was telling myself that I was worthy of drinking water. I was worthy of being hydrated. I was worthy of prioritizing, refilling up my water bottle. I was worthy of that. you know and as I started amending that behavior and creating that new habit I started recognizing my thirst I started seeing the benefits that my skin felt better my nervous system felt better I felt less on edge

because when we're chronically dehydrated we're depleted we're physically depleted in a really fundamental way and you know now I always I've got a bottle of water right next to me it wouldn't occur to me now to go a full day, we're drinking just a normal amount of water. I started breaking that cycle, but we have to do the thing to start setting that spiral upwards, benefiting our sense of self-esteem, telling ourselves that we're deserving. So then we naturally then prioritize it because we can see the benefit. Sometimes we need to choose to prioritize it before we start to value it. Number three, start small. I've kind of touched on this already, but we're far more lightly to start something when we start small. If you're like me, I'm a bit all or nothing. I'm one of

these all or nothing people. I go hard and then I go home because it's not sustainable, is it? Start small and build it up because it does make it so much more sustainable. Look at your phone usage. You know, think about what would it be like if you actually just substituted five minutes of that time to something good. It might just be simply closing your eyes for five minutes and just, just letting your thoughts run through. It might be actually, instead of this scroll, I'm going to put my shoes on, I'm going to go for a quick walk around the block. What can I replace it with?

What small swap can I make? Number four, chat to yourself. Now, I find this so helpful. I've got this kind of inner parenting coachy voice going on because engaging in self-care is often, it involves discipline. And discipline tends to be doing what you don't want to do. when you don't want to do it. There's always that bit of us says,

I don't want to go to bed now. One more episode, one more episode, that kind of child part that wants their way, that knows what they want, but doesn't necessarily know what they need. So discipline is doing what you don't want to do when you don't want to do it, but you know that it's good for you.

So I've got this voice in my head, and it might be that my finger is hovering over that, you know, next episode on Netflix, and this voice comes in and it goes, Anna, what's really important right now? You're tired. Come on. Let's go to bed. Come on. You can watch this tomorrow. What's really important? What is it that you need? What's going to get you where you want to be? Whether it's that bit of extra patience tomorrow, did you gather everyone to get out of the house?

Whether it's you're doing something at the weekend with a family and you want to have a good time. You want to have the energy to laugh. So number five, think about those goals and where you want to be. and how might self-care get you there? How might self-care actually be taking a small step towards meeting that goal and feeling great because of it? You know, I want to read more non-fiction books. That's one of my things. I want to read more non-fiction books. I've got a book at the moment. It's Brunay Browns, Atlas of the Heart. It's amazing. But it's 300 pages, I think, of 277 pages, something like that. And I want to read it, but I find it hard to focus when I'm tired. So my new thing that I do, and my husband lasts at me, is when I'm brushing my teeth

for those two minutes, I sit on the bathroom floor, on the bath mat, and I read my book for those two minutes. And it's just two minutes, you know, I'm not going to whip through that book in a week, but I'm doing it. I'm just doing a little tiny bit every day, just a few pages. But if I want to read more books that will feed me and fuel me, think about your goals and where you want to be, then how might you use that inner coach in those moments that says, come on, you know, this is important to you. You know this is important to you. So there are some little ways to make space for self-care. And I think the most important thing to remember is it's not what it is. It's not what you do. It's how it feeds you. You know, social media,

will tell you that this is self-care, that is self-care, and I've mentioned going on a walk, it might not be that for you at all. It might be something completely different. But what is it that refuels you and have a little thing? And before I let you go, I'd love to remind you about my new book coming out on the 26th of May called The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, and it has lots more of these thoughts in there. So whether you want to gift it to yourself or you want to pre-order it for a friend, yeah, I just can't wait for you to have it. And there is loads more in there you take care thank you for listening to today's episode of the therapy edit if you enjoyed it please do share subscribe and review you can find more from me on instagram at anam arthur you might

like to check out my two books called mind over mother and know you're worth i'm also the founder of the mother mind way a platform full of guides resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mothers' mental and emotional well-being. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.