The Therapy Edit - On 5 ways to manage guilt for not being a good enough friend

Episode Date: August 8, 2022

In this episode Anna offers her top 5 tips on a regularly requested topic; how to manage guilt around friendships that have changed as a result of motherhood.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello and welcome to today's episode of the Therapy Edit. This episode is one that has been requested by a few of you. And it is about friendship in motherhood, particularly about feelings. guilty for how motherhood impacts our friendships and how perhaps we are not able to be the same kind of friend or to give the same amount or to be as present in our friendships as we were able to before we became moms. So I've got five tips on how to address that guilt, which I know I have felt. I have felt that guilt. I have felt that shift. Those friendships that have

meant so much to me as the years have gone by and then I become a mother and things change. Things change, don't they? And that can be, it can be challenging and it can, it can throw up that guilt that says, you know, you're not a good friend anymore. How if you let this friendship slide? What they're expecting from you, you can't do. And that's what I want to talk about. So if you feel that guilt, you are not alone. Many people requested this topic. So know that first and foremost. Secondly, we can address that guilt. I want to remind you of the tip that I created to deal with my own guilt because I felt so much of it that I thought there's got to be a way and it's that act technique you'll have heard. We talk about it before. It's in my books

and it's that way to approach guilt. When you feel that guilt, let's think of it as being around that friendship that shifted. You know, I feel guilty that I'm not able to be the friend. I used to be to that person. That's the address. That's the A. That's the identifying what that guilt is. C is compassion because we always need to pour compassion into guilt so that we don't slip into that shame where we go from all. Actually, this friendship's shifted to I am not good enough. I am a not good enough friend. So we're going from an identification of what's going on and that opens up to encourage us to be able to explore what might be going on there.

that can so easily slip into that shame at place, can't it? That self-criticism of I'm a rubbish friend, what's wrong with me? I can't even maintain some of these relationships that's so important to me. And we start jumping into those assumptions of what we think that other person might be feeling. And so, you know, it's so important to find compassion into that place. So how might we find compassion into that place of I'm finding it hard, that that friendship shifted? you know compassion might be you've got so much going on you've got so much to remember goodness me the number of WhatsApp groups I am in for all of the different parts of my children's life

you know it's not surprising sometimes that I might think I'm going to message a friend and then it just slips off my radar do you ever do that thing where you reply to a message in your head but you you don't actually do it in real life and a week or two later you revisit that message and you just remember, oh my goodness, I didn't actually send that message. You know, how can we find some compassion? Our brains only have so much capacity. We can only hold so many people in our mind at one time. So in a way, it's not surprising that these things have shifted

and that we drop balls when it comes to friendship. So we've got the C, the compassion. So the tweak is what might we do off the back of it? And now that is what this episode is all about. So my first thing that I would encourage you to do is to talk with that person about that shift and that change. Talk about what you miss in that relationship. Talk about what you need from them and also think what capacity do you have in order to

offer them something. And sometimes that isn't equal. It isn't even, is it? And we can assume that because we're not able to be there for someone as much as perhaps we were able to before motherhood, that that is a bad thing, that that means that relationship cannot, cannot withstand that shift and often it actually can. But talking about it is so helpful because where there are gaps, we make assumptions, don't we? We create stories about what our friend might be thinking or feeling. You know, they might think, oh, they might be thinking

that I don't care about them anymore. They might be thinking that I'm boring now. I've got kids. they might think that I don't like them as much anymore or perhaps I'm worried that they don't like me as much anymore and now I'm a mum. You know, we can create these stories, can't we? And often then we act off the back of them. So I might then be a bit standoffish because my assumption is that she just doesn't feel like she can connect with me anymore.

But when we talk about it, which hopefully if these relationships are good, the relationship can hopefully withstand some really honest chat about these things and it just cuts out the story it cuts out the assumption so how might you have a conversation with one of your friends it might even just be you know agreeing on the fact that it's changed and it's hard and actually you find it sad and here's what i would like out of this friendship here here is what i would like to give you i'd love to talk with you each week i want to know what you're up to beyond the little bits I see perhaps on social media or the little bits that we chat about quickly at

the school gates. You know, what do we need from each other? What are we hoping for? And where might those gaps be? Perhaps we need to take into account and we need to, sometimes I'm not going to, I'm going to go into my next comments. So let me go on to number two here. Think about whether you want to prioritize that relationship or not. You know, sometimes relationships do change with the different seasons of motherhood, you know, even kids moving schools, you know, we can leave a friendship group behind. And perhaps we find ourselves kind of engaging in a new one. And then we're in that in between stage. Our children have these transitional moments all the time, but it's so helpful to remember that these are transitional moments for you as well. Your relationships might

shift and change along with them. Think about whether you want to prioritize the relationship, if you've got one in mind at the moment. Sometimes, you know, relationships and the time that we need to put into them, it does feel a bit sacrificial at certain points in life. It does feel a little bit like walking through treacle. Oh, it's such effort to get these phone calls in. Oh, it's so much effort to find a date in our diary where it fits for us both. But is that a relationship that is important enough for you to prioritize

that exchange of messages that it takes to actually get you to meeting up face to face. do you want to prioritize that relationship? Is it still important to you? Or was it perhaps for a certain season of life? And if it was, are you both on the same page? Because that's when we start filling the gaps again, isn't it? Are you both on the same page? Sometimes when we decide that we do want to prioritize that friendship,

it is about trying to get together and think creatively about how you might make it work. Perhaps you might get together in a different context than you used to. perhaps it might be less often but you have something firm and solidly in the diary that you will both look forward to and lean towards perhaps going out in the evening doesn't work anymore can you can you walk together you know how can you how can you have a chat and think about ways in which you can you can see each other ways in which you can have that time that means so much to each other maybe you can't meet up as often but perhaps you can meet geographically halfway what work

for both of you. Point number three is use your diary. Now, this has been really helpful for me. I like to think that life will present its opportunities for me to spend time with friends, but in reality, we live life so fast, don't we? So I have found it helpful, and sometimes it's the only way is actually putting things in the diary, even phone conversations. Sometimes I diarize conversations with my friends so that they happen.

because if I call them they don't pick up they, you know, it's that game of phone ping pong, isn't it? So how can you find a way and use your diary, set reminders for important dates to check in? Again, we like to think we can probably trust ourselves to remember a friend's birthday. We like to think we might be able to trust ourselves to ask how a friend's unwell relative is. But in reality, so often my head is so full of all the things in motherhood that that can go unmentioned. And then I feel sad and then I feel guilty. So these days I often are literally set reminders to remind myself to check in with a friend, to remind myself to say happy birthday. Now the fourth thing is that awareness that friendship isn't always equal. Sometimes you need more

from them and sometimes they need more from you. Be honest with each other about your capacity. and when it's your turn to be the one that needs, just remember that it ebbs and flows and it rises and falls and these needing times are more, you know, they're often seasons, aren't they? And there will be a time soon where you can be there for them again. And I think often we find it so much easier to be in that helping capacity and it can be uncomfortable to be in that capacity

where you're actually letting someone support you. But this is how good friendship should be. And if you both happen to be going through a rough time at the same time, either you know that you're in it together or actually you encourage each other to widen that support network because you can't be maybe at that point that support network in a way that you want to be for them. The final thing. Number five is allow yourself to grieve relationship shifts. Allow yourself to be sad. Allow yourself to mourn some of those friendships that meant so much to you that due to life or logistics or just those different focuses in life, I've had many friendships that

have shifted as we've all gone back to work in different capacities, mostly because it's hard to see each other. Maybe some of those we haven't prioritized meeting up. And there can be a sadness in that. And that is OK. The most important thing is that you have people in your life who you can be open and honest with. I always encourage people to find two or three people in their life. So that support network isn't just that one person, that partner, that friend, that parent, that you've got a few different people that you can turn to. And I will do another podcast on how we can deepen those relationships and widen that support network. But I hope that is helpful, just some thoughts on the guilt that you might be feeling about those shifts

in friendships. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy, If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Over Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book. You don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort. and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of

supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.