The Therapy Edit - On 5 ways to stay calm when your child isn't

Episode Date: July 25, 2022

In this episode Anna shares her ideas and suggestions on situation she encounters regularly in her day to day life as a mother. How to stay calm when your child is losing their 'shiz!'All children have meltdowns, some more than others, but one of the biggest challenges of parenting is learning to cope with a storm in how their children regulate their emotions and Anna helps you cope withe pressures of walking into the storm as opposed to running away from it.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. I hope you're okay. I've got a really meaty one today. Five ways to stay calm when your child is not. Now, this came as a question written. I'm going to amend it slightly. So, child friendly in case you've got little ears around. How to keep your shiz when your five-year-old is losing theirs. I mean, I have a five-year-old and keeping my shiz whilst he is losing his is one of the biggest challenges of my day-to-day life. My five-year-old has challenges with sensory processing and emotional regulation, which means that he has meltdowns very regularly.

and they are very big and very sudden and often over things that I cannot fix or help him with, such as tiny, he has a lot of little tiny things that he loves. So he might find this tiny bit of blue tack and then that is his thing and it will get lost. And I wish he was attached to bigger things that I could find with more ease, but, you know, things like that and then things around kind of clothes, feeling uncomfortable on him. you know, often things that I, I can do my very best to help him with, but I can't, I can't always do or find or be or fix in a way that he, he wants. So there's many meltdowns. So yes, you know, I would say one of the biggest challenges of parenting, my parenting, and I'm sure

that you will relate very much to this, one of the biggest challenges of parenting is when a child is having a storm is in a storm, there is a meltdown, there is, you know, just that kind of total irregulation. I can't regulate, can't regulate their emotions. You know, the biggest challenge that's parenting I find is that you are called to walk towards the chaos, whereas in so many other areas of life where there was chaos happening and noise and anger and things being thrown around, you know what? You would most likely, and everything within you would tell you to move away, to run in the opposite direction. And as parents, we are called to walk towards the eye of our children's storms.

And it is hard. And often we have this, you know, I call it this parenting thunder cloud where we have this inbuilt kind of safety mechanism that will call us away. It's, you know, it's really primal. It doesn't care what that is, what's going on, whether it's someone you love that is that is causing all of that noise and that chaos or whether it is, you know something dangerous that's happening in your environment our bodies our bodily systems and our nervous systems are wired just to keep us safe so you will have that stress reaction and also

you have this maternal awareness that we are there to be the anchors for our children in these moments so we've got this kind of two different reactions going on and they're both conflicting one is saying get out of here run you know go find somewhere quiet go find somewhere safe and the other thing is saying you are that safety, you are that calm, you are to be that anchor for your child in their storm. So in those moments when you are feeling all of this kind of reaction going on, that is really normal and really, you know, it's really expected, it's really human and we're wired that way and it's hard. It's hard because it's hard. So we are, we're called to move towards the eye of the storm where our bodies,

and our nervous systems may be encouraging us to move away from it. So this is why it can be so hard to stay calm, so hard to stay calm. So I'm going to give you five things, my favourite five, five things to think about, both before, during, and after those moments of chaos. And these work, you know, whether any ages, it might be a work stress even. It might be, you know, a situation outside of parenting. but number one, this is specifically for parenting, knowing that your child is a good child having a hard time.

Now, Dr. Becky, good inside, she talks about this often and I find it so helpful. It's that reminder that my child is a good child, ultimately in a eightly good, valuable, lovable, loved. I love my child. My child is a good child having a hard time. They're not bad. They're not mad.

They're a good child having a hard time. Now, I use this for myself sometimes as well. I am just a good person having a hard day, a hard time. So we can use this for our own meltdowns. And we are having our own moments of, oh, mistakes, stress, failing, whatever it may be. Remind yourself that you are a good person having a hard time. you're not a bad person. You are not a failure. Don't make these statements about the entirety of who you are based on what is happening. You know, it helps bring compassion. It helps ground us in that

recognition that we are good people who have hard times. And often I will say this to myself and my son is having his meltdown. You know, I will say he's a good child having a hard time. He's a good boy having a hard time to myself internally. Is that reminder? it just helps me connect with that compassion and that connection and helps me see that he is struggling because I think often the world will encourage you to brand it naughty bad when actually you know these things come out of us at times of struggle because we we can't ground ourselves we can't regulate ourselves there is something there that's going on it's fear it might be a sense of lack of control it might be you know something is destabilized and that deserves compassion

and connection so I find that really helpful thought you might as well Well, number two is breathe. Do anything that can help you stay calm in that moment. Ground your feet on the floor. Touch the fabrics of your clothes. Just ground yourself. Just ground yourself. You know, I find noise reducing earplugs are really helpful. I talk about this quite a lot just to soften the noise because my nervous system is really kind of set off by loud noise. And my kids can be very loud. They have very strong lungs. They can be very loud. You know, so what can you do in those moments? that can just help calm your nervous system whilst you are in the eye of that storm. Because once, you know, when our nervous systems aren't come, we're in that fight or flight.

You know, we're in that fight or flight. And that's when all the words happen, all the shouting, all of the mess. And we join them in the tantrum, okay, because we can't regulate our own emotion. So what can you do in that moment? And how can you practice it outside of that moment? You know, if it's the breathing, how can you practice that when you're falling asleep so that it's really accessible? you know is there a little grounding technique that you have a little google find something it might be you know naming those five things thinking about what you can see here smell touch taste in that

moment see here smell that i've did all the five there got them all um you know what can you do to ground you is there something that you can keep in your pocket maybe a smooth pebble that you can just hold maybe you might share it with them in that moment if they're able to do that if they're able to join you in that in that grounding technique you know the breathing for them is like smell the flowers, blow out the candles, smell the flowers, but out the candles, and you can get, or you can get them to blow out the candles on your fingers

and hold your fingers up so they're blowing out five and you can do that with them to calm themselves together. You know, number three is that reminder that mantra, this will pass, it will pass, it will pass, every moment like this before that has ever gone in the last years have passed. This is a different moment, this will pass. You know, just remind,

minding yourselves because I think often in those moments of chaos and tantrums and difficulty, it feels like it's never going to end. You know, we're so consumed and overtaken sometimes all our senses in that moment that it can feel like this is never going to end and we can lose that perspective. So think about, you know, if you can look out a window even, this can be really helpful. Go back to the, add this one to the grounding, the grounding technique. Look out the window and remind yourself of the outside world. Remind yourself, look at a tree.

remind yourself that seasons move and change, this will pass, it will pass, it will pass. Imagine someone that is there supporting you, holding your shoulders, reminding you that this will pass, anchoring you. Number four, use few words. Choose a sentence and gently repeat it. You know, because it really does add that stress and we're trying to articulate everything. We're trying to fight, you know, we're trying to argue, we're trying to get them off the ledge. You know, that ledge of that tantrum ledge and we're trying to kind of, kind of calm. them and we can use so many words and I can grab so I'm a woman of words I like grabbing words I'm like oh what about this oh and you know and I'm trying to kind of coach coach coach him through

that but sometimes it's really it just adds stress because we're then pressuring ourselves to get it right to make it stop when actually just being there calming ourselves so that we can be that calm for them that storm will pass use few words I might say I know I know you you really want corn flakes and we don't have corn flakes. I know you really want corn flakes and I'm sorry we don't have corn flakes. You really want corn flakes. I can see you really, you really want corn flakes and you're sad that we don't have corn flakes.

Whatever it is, how can you just choose a sentence and gently repeat it when needed? So you're not scrapping for words, adding stress and pressure and there's just consistency. I know this means a lot to you. You're really sad because we can't do that today. I know this means a lot to you and you're really sad because we can't do that today. What are the truths? How can you gently repeat it? Number five and finally manage your needs outside of that moment.

You know, and to really value rest, I really value rest now because rest is both recovery from those moments of dis-ease of where there is no calm. You know, that calm that you can find. however you can find it even if it's just sitting on the sofa for a minute those moments are there to refuel you to prepare you but also to help you recover so think about what your needs are and find ways outside of those moments to address them to give yourself a little bit more because it is very hard being an anchor when you're not feeling anchored thank you for listening to today's episode of the therapy edit if you enjoyed it please do

share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Over Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows, and the moments in between. It's a little book, you don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip, and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity.

find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.