The Therapy Edit - On 5 ways to take control of your to-do list

Episode Date: July 11, 2022

In this episode Anna shares the common motherhood frustration associated with the never ending to do list and offers listeners 5 suggestions for how to take control of the list and the associated feelings of stress and overwhelm that it can trigger.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi there. Today you have me chatting away for 10 minutes and I am answering one of your podcast request topics. So this one is Anna, how do I handle the feeling that I am never can't matching up with all I have to do, no matter how hard I try. Now, I've used the term before of like I literally feel like I'm living my days on a treadmill. But you know when the treadmill is set at a speed that is slightly too high for what you're able to manage. So kind of doing this kind of prancing, flopping about, just flopping about, kind of arms flailing, just trying

desperately to keep up. And sometimes I feel like that is how my days feel. You know, I do one thing. I go to empty the washing machine and I see five other other things on the way that need doing. And then I've got notifications going off the school emails and I've got things sitting on my to-do list that I've just been ignoring because I just can't even face them because they feel too mountainous. You know, and it's that kind of, it's that load, isn't it? It's that load of stuff and things. And then at the end of the day, we're also trying amidst all of that to be present with our children, aren't we, to try and enjoy the good moments, to try and slow down and see the intricacies of a time that goes so fast, to kind of try and catch hold of it for a moment,

to try and absorb it for a moment. But it is really hard. So here are some tips. on how to handle that feeling that we're never catching up no matter how hard we try. I've got five. I love five. I don't know why. Always five things. And so first one is that acceptance, that the to-do list will never end. I think often I am trying to get to the end of it. And then I think, right, when I've done all of this, then I can relax and enjoy life. You know, when then, it's that when then game, isn't it? When I've got to the bottom of this, then I will sit down, then I will slow down, then I will start to enjoy and embrace and absorb things more. You know, then I will, then I will sleep at a better hour. Then I will start to do those things that make me happy and bring

me joy. But I think we're kidding ourselves. You know, we're kidding ourselves because this to-do list is going to be ongoing forever and ever. My mom's got one and she's, you know, a generation above me and she didn't have kids living at home anymore and she's still got a to-do list and you know and I look at that and I think oh my gosh it's never going to stop but actually the sooner we accept that there are always going to be a mountain of things to do the better we're going to find ways to handle that feeling of the fact that we're never going to catch up because we are never going to catch up the end of that to do list I mean we might momentarily but then we know so well that all those emails you've sent out are going to come back to you

you know, all those school things you sorted out, there are going to be more of them. That washing that is, you know, that washing basket that is empty in a minute is going to look like it was never empty at all. So I think the first step is that acceptance that there is always going to be an endless list of stuff. The second one is to look at that And when you're feeling overwhelmed or even just as a practice, to look at that to do this, to think if that's, to physically write it down can be really helpful. I think sometimes when we write things down, you know, it's so much clearer than if you're able to hold things in your head.

I'm certainly not able to trust my brain to hold any to-do list. It has to be for me or set as a reminder or written down somewhere, otherwise it won't happen. But look at that list. If it's in your mind, write it down. and think of the three D's, three D's, delegate, delay, deny. Do you have to do all that now? Is it all a priority?

Is there something that you can delay? What can you delay to another day, you know, to another time, to another day when you'll have a little different level of energy? Because maybe today you're just feeling flat and depleted. Maybe you're looking at that and it feels overwhelming. What can you delay? to lay to you who might be able to do it with a bit more energy and a bit more speed. What can you delegate?

What can you delegate to another person? You know, what can you just ask someone else to do? Maybe even the kids can do that empty the dishwasher today. You know, what can you delegate to another person, another time? What can you deny? What can you look at that and think, you know what, actually, I don't need to do that. That doesn't really need to be done. Ooh, I've got another one.

Downgrade. What can you downgrade? I've got 4D now. There we go. That's a bit more modern, isn't it? Delegate, deny, delay, downgrade. What can you downgrade? What can you think, oh, I've, you know, I've put like all these birthday presents down.

Actually, do we really need to be sending presents? Maybe I'm just going to send that friend a message and say, you know what, should we just, should we just not do presents? Should we just fight each other a coffee when we see each other. next you know or you've you've got a you've got a meal to make and you think you know what I'm just going to get a ready made because I haven't got the energy I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to downgrade that I'm going to take some energy I'm going to cut a corner for that one okay so number three is gratitude the to do list is endless but there are so many things in our lives

often the most precious things in our lives are not endless they are limited They are not limitless. They are limited. And what often I think the truth that we are trying to escape in all of this rushing through life is that we don't know when that limit will come. You know, my to-do list is endless. But my life is not my children.

Sadly, oh, we do not know what is around the corner. My time is not endless. Their time is not endless. My life is not endless. You know, the things that matter most in our world that we're often doing all the to-do list to facilitate our enjoyment of these things. You know, the things that matter most are not endless. I'm so grateful for these things. How can I delegate, deny, delay, downgrade so that actually I can spend more time enjoying those things that are not endless. You know, this

this realization is a harsh one, but it just forces me in the moment to think, wait a minute, I'm running around. I'm doing another load because I might as well. But my kids who I'm doing all of this for are sitting there on the sofa, they're not going to be sitting on my sofa forever. What can I do to delegate that to later on or another day so that I can just go and sit with them because they are not endless. This is endless.

you know so just that that moment that realization that helps us to prioritize now number four is to cut corners i've touched on this already but to lower your standards you know what if you're a perfectionist like me you know that struggle is to do everything so well you know where can done be better than perfect where can done preserve some energy preserve something of yourself maybe we arrest, you know, where can done serve you far better than perfection ever well? Whilst it is pleasing, it is exhausting. Where can done serve you better than perfect? Where can you amend those expectations?

And where can you kindly make the road smoother for yourself? How can you make the road smoother for yourself? some of these things that you have to do, you need to do, you want to do. And then the final thing, number five, is rest first. You know, as humans, we are created to do and be active and accomplish things, but we are created to do that from a place of rest. And this is where I always go back to the fact that Sunday was in our diaries as often at the end of the week. It's actually the very beginning, historically Sunday is day one. And it was the day of rest. We start with the rest and we move into our week. You know, what would it be like to think of your

bedtime as the start of your day that that is where you start from that place of rest? When you're looking at your to-do list, how can you think what is the most important thing? I might have, you know, let's face it, sometimes eating is on our to-do list. It's like eat lunch. Make sure that I you know, maybe go for a walk, make sure that I speak to that friend that I need to speak to those conversations are therapeutic. How can you put those things in those nurturing, those nourishing things in first? Put them first, prioritize them. Because actually, whilst often we reward ourselves with these things, don't we? We just, they go down the list of the priorities and we think, I'll just do that first. I'll just do that first. Watch out for these cheeky justs. Do

the important things first. Rest first because then everything else will come that little bit easier when we're not feeling so depleted and we're forcing ourselves to move towards that place of rest. Oh, we limp towards it and bedtime becomes more of a time of collapse, doesn't it, then rest? You know, because we just lean towards it all day and we think, I just got to do all of this and then I can flop. When actually, what would it be like to do that walk first, to have that call first, to have that food first, because those things are most important. Those things are most important. Then everything else is more likely to happen that little bit smoother. So there we go. I wish I could come and tick off all of the things of your to-do list. Wouldn't that be the

best present if someone could give you that gift of just wiping it all off? You know, that would be wonderful. But the to-do list is endless. But there are so many things that are not. So hopefully that will give you some little ideas of ways to just be able to enjoy and embrace those things that are not endless. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. It really makes a massive difference as to how many people this podcast can help. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Worth and my brand new

book called The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book you don't read it from front to back. You just dip in according to what emotion you're feeling where you'll find a mantra, a short passage and a tip to help give you some comfort and guidance in that emotion. I'm also the founder of the mother mind way. This is a platform packed with guides, resources and videos with the sole focus on supporting mothers mental health and emotional well-being. Have a good week.