The Therapy Edit - On 7 types of anger

Episode Date: April 22, 2024

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna covers the topic of anger! Rage in motherhood is a big deal and in this short and sweet episode you can learn about each type of anger and how you can start to manage it, reduce shame and be a happier mother.Another resource in your mental health toolkit on the rollercoaster of motherhood.We hope it's a help. 

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello. So for today's little solo 10-minute episode, I have got my book Raising Happy Mother here and I'm going to read a little section out of it. And I just, I open. I opened it and I thought here's a good one. Let's go with this one. I'm going to talk you through seven different types of anger and rage. I really hope I've counted them correctly. Please do excuse me if there's six or eight. But in the next 10 minutes, I'm going to talk you through these different types of anger and rage along along with some examples and tips of how to address each one about this. If you've got raising a happy mother and you want to read along, I'm reading from page 138. It's like story time, isn't it? But I think it's really wonderful, actually, to reflect on the different kinds of anger and rage that we can experience. Because more we understand it, the less shame we will feel, the less self-criticism, the less stuck we will feel.

And then the more likely we are able to do something off the back of these moments. So I'm going to walk you through them and see which one resonates with you. maybe actually quite a few of them, if you're me, quite a few of them. I also have a little quote from people I spoke to for each kind of anger and rage so that you can put it into context of it. So, number one, we've got passive anger. Passive anger comes about when we avoid directly addressing the person or the thing that is causing the anger.

We've all been on the receiving end of passive aggression, haven't we? We've all dealt it out. When someone is passive aggressive with us, we know they're not happy, but often we don't know why. Or they say that they're fine, but we're really getting a sense that they're not. This lack of clarity makes it really hard to resolve stuff. If you're being passive aggressive, you might be snappy, sarcastic or closed off. Being honest with yourself and others about what has hurt or upset you. is really important. Now, Marianna, who I spoke to so many different moms, I invited loads

of people to kind of share on these things. And Marianna said, I don't want to talk about it, but I want him to know I'm angry. So I just stopped talking to him for days. That's an example of that passive aggression. It's really confusing, isn't it? And the most powerful thing that you can do is starting to be honest with yourself. Actually, just done an episode on this called a tip for being more confident and it's actually about how we lie to ourselves about how we feel. So being honest with yourself about what has upset you is really important when wanting to deal with this kind of passive aggressive anger. Then another kind is self-sabotaging anger. Now this is associated with feelings of self-blame because what happens instead of directing anger outwards

or talking it through, you may take things out on yourself in how you, you treat or speak to yourself. In parenting, this may look like blaming yourself for perceived failure. In time, this erodes self-esteem and confidence. So one of the things that you can do if you know that you are experiencing this self-sabotaging anger is to speak to a trusted friend or therapist so that they can help you process your feelings in a more productive and externalised way, so they're not just going back inwards on yourself. And And Maud said, when I'm angry, I binge on sugary food. It helps, but then I feel worse.

And if Maud was able to turn to a friend to speak about some of the things that she's feeling down about, feeling angry about, then she'd probably feel less likely to use that coping mechanism. So another kind of anger is the moral or judgment anger. Now, you might feel this kind of anger when someone isn't following the rules. This kind of anger can also motivate you to create change. is a reminder that not all anger is anger isn't bad, it's a response and we can often learn something from it or do something off the back of it and judgmental moral anger is a really good way

to see how this can happen. When you feel moral or judgment anger, think about how you might channel it in a way that helps you make things better for yourself and others. Cultivating passion for positive wider change can be amazingly contagious. And we can think of so many different examples. And Belinda told me how I campaigned for awareness of my son's illness. When I hear stories about children's symptoms being dismissed, it motivates me to fight for change. Now, so many of the charities and the movements and the campaigns that we witness have come out of this moral anger, this sense of this isn't good enough. Something needs to change.

And people have used that rage, that red, hot, moment. motivating emotion to spur them on to do things. So is there a bit of moral or judgmental anger in you that actually you might take a moment to think, what can I do of the back of this? What might it fuel me to change? So the next one is chronic and ongoing anger. Now if you are experiencing this kind of anger, you might feel negative and bitter towards the world. This can point to a long lasting emotional issue, which can limit your relationships and well-being. Seek the support of a therapist or friends because chronic anger alludes to deeper feelings of fear or pain. Gratitude journaling can be helpful because it draws your attention to the good in your life. And this

is a thing, chronic, bubbling, sustained anger can blur you from seeing the good things in your life. So Olive said, I have this low-level anger all the time. I know that it relates to my childhood. Practicing gratitude and having therapy has really, really helps. So if you notice this bubbling anger, what might you do in order to bring a little bit of balance and to kind of just shake that feeling, that kind of low level chronic feeling of anger? You might be able to speak to. Then we have habitual anger.

Now, sometimes we respond to certain triggers with anger. Maybe you're in the habit of shouting at the kids in order to feel a sense. of control. Perhaps there is one person in your office who gets your backup before they even say anything. But the most amazing thing is that just as habits are formed over time so we can reform them over time as well. So whether it's therapy, therapeutic chats or some resources you seek, I've got a whole hour-long session, maybe it's 45 minutes around that on mum rage on anamatha.com if that would be helpful for you because we can reform an anger habit. Absolutely. And we can break that trigger to anger link in time. So Carolina said, I was a shouting mum.

I started to realize that my friends seemed calmer and I saw that there were other ways I could respond. But old habits die hard. They do die hard, Carolina, but they can also be deconstructed. and we can form new ones that very much live strong. Volatile anger. In moments of volatile anger, if you experience this kind of anger, you act first and you think later often when the damage has been done. Oh my gosh, it's that explosive anger where you're just then looking at the collateral damage thinking, oh my gosh, I'm thinking now, but I wasn't then.

I was overwhelmed by it. the more aware you can become of the warning signs and the earlier you catch it, the more control you can have over anger comes out, over how the anger comes out. Anger management courses can help with this so that in time you express this fiery emotion in a way that's less destructive and exhausting. Now, Stella said, by way of example, when someone cuts me up on the road, I want to get out and throttle them. I had anger management training which really, really helped.

now I have got more kinds of anger here I'm going to skip over them because I want to keep this short for you but I do want to say this overwhelmed anger because I think this is such a helpful way to view some angry moments parenting young children can find you swallowing down feelings and needs in order to keep calm

and carry on but they inevitably boil up and over the best way to prevent that sudden explosion is to acknowledge the unmet needs that led to them. Recognising when your resources are low helps you prioritize finding ways to replenish your stores. Now, I just think it's so helpful going through these different forms of anger. Now, I have skipped over that, I mean, go and grab the book if you've got it all. Go and get one as a treat for yourself if you haven't,

because understanding these emotions where they come from, what we can do about them just enables us to find a little bit more compassion for ourselves, which frees us up to act in a slightly different way. But I've written here, as you've read through these different types of anger. My hope is that you've noticed some of the words that flowed through each description. When we're angry, these feelings are there. If your child was feeling any of these things, and I think I've mentioned things like overwhelm, pain, hurt.

If your child was feeling any of those things, you'd want to give them compassion and support because yes, anger may appear aggressive and repelling, but the undercurrent always carries a vulnerability, fear or hurt. Now, this is why I would love you to see anger as a red flag that invites you to inquire what is beneath it, rather than what we so often do, which is rushed to berate yourself for how these feelings they're expressed. I've got some journal points that follow, some more words, and I hope that

that's helpful next time you feel the rage rise up. I'll speak to you soon. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at I have lots of videos and courses and everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website anamatha.com. And also don't forget my brand new book Raising A Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.