The Therapy Edit - On a big lightbulb moment that changed my parenting

Episode Date: August 1, 2022

In this episode Anna shares a lightbulb moment where she realised a life changing truth that has transformed her motherhood journey.It's a biggy so you'll have to listen to find out more and also to unpick Anna's realisation (which of course comes accompanied with lots of helpful therapeutic tips to help you make space for this realisation in your own motherhood journey. )

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello and welcome to today's episode of the Therapy Edit. Today I have got quite a stark truth to share with you, something that really hit me the other day. And it's one of those things. You know, when you you recognize the truth that just makes you feel incredibly uncomfortable, but also completely changes the way that you think about and approach something. Well, this is that kind of truth. And I want to share it with you because I just think it's going to benefit me so much in how it impacts the decisions I make in parenting. So this truth is, and I'll wait for it,

and bear with me, because it sounds pretty full on to begin with, but we're going to unpick it a little bit. So this realization was that I set the bar. I, I help set the bar for my children's well-being with where I set the bar for my own. Now, I mean, this felt like, this felt like a punch in the stomach really. And I think the power in this is that we love our children. We want the absolute best for them. We research things for the help. We try so hard to kind of pull all our energy and parent in a way that we are proud of, don't we? We want the best for them in their mental health. We want them to know that they are lovable, that they are valued, that they are valuable. We want them to know that they are deserving of rest, that they are deserving of

good things. We want them to welcome the good opportunities that come their way, the healthy, nurturing, loving relationships and friendships that are in their path. We want them to welcome and accept all of those things. We want them to care for themselves because they are valuable. We want them to nourish and nurture themselves to take the rest that they need. We want them to have a loving and compassionate, supportive voice in their minds. We don't want them to have that inner critic, that inner bully. We want all of these things for our children. Now, that is true.

But where we set the bar for how much we want those things for ourself is part of how much our children will want those things for themselves too. Now, I have the bar really high for my children's emotional and mental well-being. I want to invest in and nurture and give them the tools. But where is that bar that I set for them and what I yearn for for them compared to where I set the bar for what I yearn for, what I accept, what I seek, how I treat myself. Where is that for you? The standard that you have for your children's mental health, well-being, their acknowledgement of their worth and value, and where you set the bar for your

acceptance of good things in your life, your desire to seek support, your acceptance of, of kind gestures, your acceptance of value and your worth, your bar for where. you, where you have that critical or kind internal dialogue. You know, what is okay for you and how does that differ with what is okay for your children? Because if those bars are in different places, this is where it gets tricky. This is where we have to start recognizing and this harsh realization and it's harsh because it's true and it's hard that if we have the bar up there for our children and we want the best for them, but we are accepting base level,

maybe even less than critical internal dialogue, overlooking needs, devaluing feelings, not accepting or seeking support for ourselves. You know, our children are watching us. Oh, I wish they weren't sometimes. I wish they weren't watching and absorbing me and how I treat myself and how I respect. and how I respond to myself and how I accept those kind things

and how I seek and accept support. I wish they weren't watching because I don't want them to do that. I want them to want more. I want more for them. So I can tell my children that they are lovable. I can love them so hard. But they are learning about how to love themselves. by watching me. Oh, it's hard. You know, if I don't want them to struggle with anxiety and low

self-esteem and low self-worth and a bullying critical internal dialogue, they might not see tangibly these things, but they sense them. And they see the little behaviours that come out when I'm struggling with low self-worth, when a friend might say something kind and I brush it off. when I drop something and I berate myself. I can have all the patience for them, but they are watching and learning about how to love themselves by how I am responding to myself. Oh, it's hard.

It is hard. You know, if I don't want them to struggle with some of the things that I struggle with, I think so often what we do is we look for tips and tools to help them when actually the most powerful thing that we can be doing, the biggest gift that we can be giving them is addressing these things in ourselves. And I hope that I've done, you know, created so many different resources around kind of confidence and self-worth and anxiety and health anxiety and resentment and rage and guilt

and all of these things because I have recognized that I have to if I want them to have a healthy relationship with themselves, the most powerful way that I can do this is by and nurturing and investing in the relationship that I have with me because they are watching. Oh, it's true, but I wish sometimes they weren't. But it's better, it's far better for me to start to accept this fact that I, where I set the bar for my own mental and emotional well-being is a real contributor into where they will set theirs. Now, this awareness has been one of the biggest motivators for me.

as a mum, that as I am prioritising my own mental health, as I am seeking these tools and I've got loads of them go on the mother mind way, which is my platform for all of those £12 resources, that all £12, I've got the books that go into anxiety and worth and confidence and people pleasing and the new one which is all about introducing more compassion into the emotions that we often feel so guilty and judgmental about towards ourselves. So as I have invested and prioritised my own mental health, health and finding ways to bring clarity and feelings and emotions and compassion into these things

as well. I am inadvertently as I'm raising the bar for my own mental health and I'm saying, you know what, actually this isn't good enough for me. If I want more for them and I have equal value, then I'm deserving of this more too. And as I do this, I am giving them the gift of when they look at me and they hear me say, you know what, right now, I'll do that in a moment, but I'm just having a rest. I'm going to sit with you for a minute. I've just been doing the dinner. I'm going to sit with you for a minute. And I'm just having a rest. As I verbalise these things and show them that I am meeting those needs. I am teaching them that their needs are important to. So, you know, I think often, you know, when we feel these, when we hear these things,

you know, if you're like me, that first response is like, oh, there's so much guilt there. I feel this guilt rising up. So a couple of quick. things, you know, know that our kids learn so much from how we respond and resolve things. When we're growing, they have a chance to grow to. They're watching and they grow to. So as we start investing in these things, I think, so it's so easy, isn't it, to think, oh, what have I done? I've, you know, I've not been showing this. I've not been living this. When actually just accepting that, you know, we grow as we go. we it's we shouldn't be berating ourselves for what we didn't know when we didn't know it you know when we

become aware of these things they are opportunities aren't they to move forward and we're not going to get it perfect and our kids do not need a perfect parent to set them up for this wildly imperfect world that we live in so go gentle go easy go kindly you know we might have our own meltdown sometimes but the most important thing is that that moment that comes afterwards where I say, oh my goodness, mommy had massive feelings. It's not your fault. I should have taken a deep breath. I'm sorry for shouting.

Sometimes my kids will kindly say, oh, it's okay, Mommy. I'm like, you know what? I don't want to do shouting at you. I have big feelings and I should find other ways of dealing with that. And as I do that, then they learn to. They learn to find grace for themselves when it all goes to pot. And they learn to access and seek tools and things that can help nurture and calm them

and ground them in those moments. So, you know, I think it's really important to remember those things as you listen and as I reflect on this hard truth, my mental and emotional well-being impacts theirs. And I want everything for them. Therefore, I need to up the bar for myself as well. So I hope you find that helpful. I hope it creates a little bit of thinking and maybe just prompts that, that reflection on, is there an area of your life where you just think, oh man, I've, I've wanted everything for them

and I have accepted nothing for myself in that area. If you are of equal value to them, which is a fundamental fact, how can you find a tool or seek some support or get some insight into that so that you can start upping that bar of what, of where you want your own mental and emotional well-being to be so it's more in line with what you desire for your children because that is a gift to them than a gift to you. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my

three books, Mind Oath and Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little little book of Calm for new mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book. You don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a mum. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon. I'm going to be able to