The Therapy Edit - On a powerful way to grow your ‘village’

Episode Date: May 8, 2023

Do you sometimes just feel the need to be held? To be mothered? To be supported?For a myriad of reasons that’s not always practical or possible so in this solo episode of The Therapy Edit Anna offers out some ideas about how you can find that kind of support when you really need it. We hope it helps some of you to feel better today.This episode refers to the #MumRibbonMovement which Anna has set up as a symbol between mothers that you are open to receiving or giving help.Read this article about the movement to find out more.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello, welcome to today's solo episode of The Therapy Edit and I have got some ideas on how to get more support because we all need more support. And it's in those moments, I think, of vulnerability where we're just feeling a bit wobbly and we just need, we just need some input, don't we? We just, sometimes we just need to be a bit more mothered. You know what I mean? In those moments of parenting where things just feel challenging or work stress, things just feel like it's a lot. Sometimes what we really want is to be mothered.

those moments can make us feel quite young, can't they? And I did a podcast recently with Dr Emma, the mammologist, and she was talking about parenting ourselves. So I think this episode is all about those moments when you just feel like you want someone else to come and parent you because parenting ourselves and learning to be more mothering towards ourselves is so important. sometimes when we're feeling really wobbly, exhausted, vulnerable, stressed, it can be hard to muster up that inner parent, can't it? Sometimes we just need someone to give us some of that mothering. So I'm going to share a way that you can get more of that in your life. I actually started a thing a few weeks ago and I'm going to tell you more about that. But first of all,

I want to relieve you of some of that guilt you feel when you see someone struggling but you don't feel able to see if they're okay. Or that guilt that you feel when someone is kind to you or they offer you help out of the kindness of their heart but you find it really hard to accept that offer and maybe you awkwardly decline or you brush it off and sometimes we can feel guilt around that can't we? Now, we tell each other to be kind. We tell each other to support each other. But kindness, this is so important to ponder. Kindness often requires confidence, doesn't it? Confidence to reach out, to speak out, to put your ego on the line and know that someone might rebuff you, someone might brush you off in the way that we sometimes do with other people.

So being kind often requires confidence. And confidence requires believing wholeheartedly that you are good, even if someone makes out that you want. Now we encourage each other to be kind to one another. And let's face it, you have it in you to be kind. I have it in me to be kind. I have love patience, empathy and this inbuilt desire to mother other people probably why I'm a therapist. But I love mothering other people. I love mothering mothers. But there are definitely moments I feel real guilt in that I find it hard to reach out. I see someone having a hard time. I don't want to get it wrong. I don't want to offend. I don't want to patronise. We don't all have the confidence inbuilt in us to actually do that bit, to go beyond that empathy, to go beyond

that desire to reach out and actually reach out. There are moments that I can think of so many and I'm sure you can bring them to mind as well. Those moments that you see someone and you just need permission. You need them to look at you or you need a bit of eye contact or that sense of it's okay for me to help them. It's okay for me to support them. We have it plowed into us that we need external approval. We need external validation by means of ticks and good feedback and likes and haste hearts pressed upon by those who don't know a single line of the book of your lives. Our culture says that external validation, people being pleased with you, people liking you, people liking you, people liking and agreeing with what you put out into the world, people admiring you. regardless of what's going on underneath and behind the scenes, our culture, that is where

the value is placed. So it's so understandable that we fear getting it wrong, that we fear being patronised because we are taught, we are being given the message that what other people think of us is everything. So therefore, if you get it wrong, you are wrong. If someone feels patronised or judged by you, then you are patronising. If someone feels offended by you offering them support, then you are offensive. Our culture tells us that what other people think about us tells us everything about ourselves. So no wonder we find it hard to go beyond that desire to support a mother someone else.

Someone might reach out to me and offer me support when I'm, feeling wobbly. And there are so many really obvious moments in my life, I think, with my kids where I go around. And it's quite clearly I'm having a hard time. Quite clearly, someone's having a meltdown. Quite clearly, I'm trying to herd three children through a supermarket. And it's a lot. I have a lot of public moments where I know people will be looking at me thinking, goodness, oh dear, bless her, she's got a lot going on. And perhaps someone says something to me and I'm just kind or offers to help. And my fear of being seen to be failing at parenting or my concern about people judging me has me responding in a way that's no, it's fine. Thank you so much. We're all good.

And actually, I deserve support. This is community. This is community. This is the village. We often don't have those people in our lives. We might not live next to your parents. You might not live around those supported people that perhaps a generational two ago we would have had around us. You know, we need to be allowing people around us to support us, but it's flipping hard. So any guilt that you feel in those moments that you've rebuffed kindness or those moments that you haven't reached out, I just want to alleviate that before I tell you what's been going on and a really simple way of giving others permission to help you and giving others permission to help you and giving others permission to ask you if you can help them.

You know, this fear of offending people, this fear of getting it wrong, nudges us further away from one another. It pushes you from me and it pushes me away from you and I need you and you need me and that is not failure. That is humanness. That is the village. We need one another and often we look around and we see strangers when actually in reality, there is so many people there who would love to step forward. So this is why I started something called the Mum Ribbon Movement recently, and it went a little bit wild that it's been in papers all over the country

and even all over the world, the ribbons now in hospitals and surgeries and school and places of worship, groups, libraries, community centres, all over the country and not just in our country. And it was born from one of those moments of overwhelm. and just mum wobble wanting to be mothered and I looked around in my high street and I knew that there were people there that would love to have stepped forward

and offered me help. We were quite a spectacle. And I thought wouldn't it be incredible if we had a way of signaling to one another that I'm not going to bite your head off if you ask me if I'm okay. I'm not going to bite your head off if you ask me if I need any help.

But also I'm not going to, I'm not going to deny you if you come to me and you say, you know what? Can you just help me out? Mother to mother, can I have a hug? Can I have some wipes? Can I have just some words of comfort or support? It's this little sign of solidarity. So it's the mum ribbon movement. You simply tie any ribbon, any colour to your bag, changing bag, handbag. As long as you feel that you can mother, another mother, whether you're a grandmother or a carer, whoever you are, just it's a little sign to one another that you can mother me and I am up for mothering you

and hopefully you know what will happen is that we will begin to grow in confidence in supporting each other so that maybe one day we won't need these little signs of permission but it just gives us that permission to connect so a little bit of guilt relieving for you that if you find this hard, like me, it's not your fault. It's the message that we are being taught the whole time that someone's response to you is everything. You can offer kindness and you will sometimes be rebuffs. Someone might feel like you're patronizing them or they might feel judged or whatever it is. But actually, if you were to offer that same support to the next person, that might make their day even their life. So head over to my Instagram. There are lots of different bits and

pieces and stories and PDS and all sorts of things that I'm sharing there if you want to get involved. So I want to alleviate some of that guilt and also give you that little simple way how to get and give more support without that barrier of fear. Take care. Thank you so much for listening. Please do take a moment to subscribe, rate and review as it really helps get these words out to benefit more juggling parents like us. and head to anamatha.com to find my resources on everything from health anxiety to people pleasing, starting at only £20. And finally, don't forget to pre-order my new book, Raising a Happier Mother, How to Find Balance, Feel Good and See Your Children Flourish as a result.

I can't wait for you to have that. Take care and we'll chat soon.