The Therapy Edit - On a powerful way to take the pressure out of parenting

Episode Date: January 23, 2023

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit Anna considers how we can approach those moments when we feel like we 'ought' to be entertaining or playing with our children and offers ideas about why and how we can take the pressure off ourselves and allow our children to just 'be.'

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Welcome to today's solo episode of The Therapy Edit. I have got something to share with you a lightbulb moment that I had that has actually really changed the lens that I view parenting through. now I had a question from one of you lovely lot and it's really in line with this light bulb moment so it prompted me to share it and it was this hi Anna I never think I'm doing enough for my kids I want them to have a happy childhood and I put so much pressure on myself to make it fun how can I relieve some of this pressure well this is the light board moment that I had it was a day

recently I flopped onto the sofa after doing the kids lunch you know when you've kind of finished off the bits, finished off the jobs, wipe the kitchen surfaces, and then you just have this moment flopping in a, on a soft furnishing somewhere, just exhaling, I think. Mealtimes are often quite chaotic and loud in our household. And my kids were playing in the garden. Just, I think the boys were playing football my youngest was pottering about. I should do something with them, I thought. I shouldn't be sitting here. I should go and get a game or I should get my shoes on and go outside and join them, play with them, create some memories perhaps. I don't know. It was just this recognition that actually I should be partaking in what they're doing. I shouldn't just be sitting here flopping,

exhaling and resting. And then I had this light bulb moment. My kids, were making their own memories together. I don't always have to be the facilitator of their good times or their memories or their play. And then I sat there and I thought back to my childhood and I invite you to think back over your childhood. Think of some of the memories that you have. Some of the good memories, the happy memories,

the moments that make you smile. and did they always involve a parent or perhaps you were on your own or maybe those memories involve a friend or a sibling some of mine the memories that I have when I cast my mind back to my childhood the ones that stick out to me are actually really unremarkable they're really uneventful they're really simple I remember sitting and doing crafts on the living room floor I would always get glue everywhere, just bits of paper. I would try every form of craft. I loved it all. But I remember that so clearly, just that play, that creativity. And I was on my own. And those are really good memories that I have, just feeling free to make a mess. We had terrible carpets growing up,

so my parents were not very precious of the carpets, which probably helped that. I remember building dens in the back garden with my brother. I don't know where my parents were at that point, but they're not in those memories. They were probably in the house, getting stuff done or flopping on the sofa themselves. That was with my brother. So many memories of just being outside and we were surrounded by woodland where we grew up. We were really lucky. We'd just be building dens and playing. I remember making up stories with my friends. up the road. We'd make up stories about horses. I always wanted to own a horse. Never did. Never will. But we used to make up stories about owning horses and there were horses down the

road from her and we used to make up stories as if they were our own. And I remember that. I remember drawing with my friend. I remember deciding we were going to create a little magazine for our other friends and kind of writing and scribbling and making up. little games. I remember that. So wow, there's a good memories. I remember certain music playing at home. Memories of just how home felt. Certain music, Simon and Garfuncle, that was it. Every now and again I hear it and it just takes me back to just being at home, hearing that music. That was a good memory. I remember eating dippy eggs every Sunday evening. I'm, you know, we'd had a roast probably. We'd had a lunch and it would always just be dippy eggs and it was just what we did and that's a good memory.

You know, think of some of those memories that you have when you look back over your childhood. Do they all involve a parent? Are they all facilitated? Are they all actual things that you were doing or were they just ways that you felt in certain places? Think about the memories you have of birthdays and different calendar events. As I record this, we have just literally, today is the first day of fake Christmas and post-Christmas post-Christmas post-New Year normality. And so Christmas is a very pertinent thing at the moment, thinking about the memories that I have at Christmas, thinking about the memories I have a birthday, so I remember the cake. I remember having a few friends around me and it was fun. I don't remember what was in the party

bags, I don't remember what theme the tableware was. It probably didn't even have a theme. I just remember how I felt. One birthday, I remember the sunshine, the simple things. How much do you remember about the intricacies and the details of those times, of those memories, or how much of that memory is actually about the feeling and the presence of other people? And as I thought about this and as I'm reflecting on this as I'm talking to you right now, you know, I think, man, we put so much pressure on ourselves to make the memories, to facilitate the fun when actually memories are being made. Fun is happening without our facilitation, without our conscious, proactive memory making.

Now, it's not to say that those. things aren't good when we do just think, you know what, let's do something fun together. You know what? I'm going to get my boots on and I'm going to play with the kids right now. It's not to say that those things don't need to happen. I think we can make many wonderful memories when we want to. I just think this was so helpful for me in relieving some of that pressure to always be interacting, always creating, always consciously, considering what will be remembered because actually my kids are going to remember the moments where I laced with them. They're going to remember the times that they had fun together with them, with each other and

with their friends. And that's really important. So next time you feel guilty for not facilitating the making of memories. Question, whether perhaps it's already happening. Maybe perhaps it's already happening without you. And if it is happening without you, what might you do to meet a need that you have in that moment? I sat on the sofa and I, you know, I was about to rocket launch myself out of the sofa, go and raid the playroom, or grab my wellies and get out and do. When actually, I needed in that moment after the chaos of the meal time, I benefited more from just being. They were okay.

They were having their fun. So it gave me an opportunity just to pause and meet a need that I had and get a little bit reflective. Anyway, I really hope that that is helpful, something that can just sit there maybe at the back of your awareness next time you realize that you realise that you. you're putting pressure on yourself to do when actually they're already being. They're already making memories. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can

reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind, Dave and Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for new mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book. You don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a mum. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.

Thank you.