The Therapy Edit - On a tip for avoiding exhaustion

Episode Date: June 27, 2022

On this episode Anna considers how we can protect ourselves from the risk of burnout and exhaustion by starting to think about our energy as a limited resource.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. I hope you're okay. I have a little 10-minute episode for you today just on me chatting away. And I, on my phone, I've got an iPhone and it's got this notes section, right? I've got this one note. And no word of a lie. It is, I think it's about 45,000 words that I've just written down, bits of Instagram posts that I never posted, thoughts for, I don't know, just little light bulb moments that I've had. And it would make the worst book because it doesn't run together at all. But every now and again, I go and have a little look at that and think, see if there

any nuggets to bring you. And I have found you a great one. So not long ago, I was talking to my friend Daniel. She's on Instagram as Enchanted Nanny. Literally, it was so amazing throughout the pandemic with her kind of rhyme times and story times, the kids that they were absolutely captivated. So she's on there as Enchanted Nanny. And I was chatting to her on the phone. And she told me that she'd watched the money say, you know the money saving expert, the Martin Lewis, his name is, and she's seen him on TV. And he's got this quote that he shares about kind of budgeting and kind of making sure that you're not buying things that you don't need and you can't afford. And it is very simply, it's do I need it? Can I afford it? And she said,

see, the thing is, Anna, I just supply that to my life. I just supply that to my life. And I thought, whoa, that is amazing. Do I need it? Can I afford it? So that's what I'm going to talk about for the next few minutes. It's stolen from Danielle, who stole it from Martin, but I'm sure he'd be delighted that we were using it in this way. But I think what's wonderful about it is it's that acknowledgement that's so often we just say yes. You know, I'm talking about, you know, not stuff here, not physical stuff, although, you know, use it on that. absolutely. It's always amazing to have a tool that helps you make these decisions a bit more mindfully and really assess, you know, is it something that you need? Is it actually something

that can you afford? Or is it going to be gathering dust and you're going to feel guilty when you look at it because actually it was unaffordable? But the way that I want to use this today is thinking about your energy, is thinking about your resources. Do you need it? Can you afford it. So when opportunities come your way, if you're anything like me, the challenge, I call myself, a people please are in recovery. And it's because my natural reaction is to want to make people happy. My natural reaction is to want to give, given myself, given my resources, regardless of the cost. I remember a friend once that got asked to go and pick someone up from the airport in the middle of the night. And she'd been working nights. And she said yes to that

person that asked. And she was talking to me about it and she was like, it's just so rough because actually I can't really afford to put money in the car and I don't want to ask if they can contribute. And I've been working nights so I could really have done with that night's sleep. You know, there was a massive cost to her for saying yes to that. And I wonder if this might have been helpful, but it really comes up against that people pleasing drive, doesn't it? It really comes up against that desire to help, that desire to fix, that desire to give of your resources, even if it has quite a significant cost to you behind the scenes, because everything has a cost. Everything has a cost.

So, you know, where might you use this to bring that little bit of mindfulness, to bring that choice into something that's been asked of you or into something that you feel driven to do? Do I need it? Can I afford it? Can I afford the energy or the resources that it would take me to do that? Now, I absolutely love my job. I love writing and speaking and creating and communicating.

And every now and again, I get a wonderful opportunity, perhaps, an email that comes my way. And it's so easy to just want to say yes to everything. But number one, do I need it? Do I need it? Do I want it? Maybe I do. Maybe I do. Maybe I do need it.

Maybe it would really help financially. or maybe it would really help me cover another project or maybe I do really want it. Maybe it would be really fun. Can I afford it? What resources do I have? Actually, I'm really low on energy and I feel like I've been juggling a lot with the kids

and I would like to be a bit more present with them and I'm finding that quite hard. And actually my work days are quite rammed, so that would push some work into the weekends and the days when I don't have childcare. And so do I need it? Do I want it? Yes, I want it.

can I afford it? Actually, I can't. That's really expensive on my resources. The cost of that is quite high. And it might be that you get a request from a friend. It might be that you get an invitation, something. It might be that work, an opportunity at work comes to a way. Someone offers you a new project. Do you need it? Can you afford it? Can you afford the cost of your resources, your energy? You know, it might be mentally, physically, emotionally. What is the cost? And sometimes we decide that actually we can't afford it, but we do need to do it. We can't afford it. Perhaps, you know, that person, maybe, you know, maybe I really want to help someone because I care deeply about them. Maybe it is expensive to me resource-wise. Maybe I don't have a lot

to give, but I want to give. I want to because that relationship's important. I want to be there for them. And sometimes it is sacrificial. Sometimes we know that actually we're nudging ourselves into a bit of emotional or physical or energy debt in doing that. But it is important and we do need to do it because we value that relationship. So sometimes, you know, we decide that actually we can't afford it, but we want to do it. It's important that we do it. But then it's, you know, it's worth in considering where are you going to get that contingency from? Where are you're going to repay that debt of energy or emotional energy, you know, because then you need to make space elsewhere. It might just be that actually you've got to cancel something, you were

going to go out that evening and do something work quite or socially. And, you know, because you're there for your friend and you wanted to do that, you know, you need to kind of pay it back in another way. So it's this, I sometimes wonder if, if, you know, a financial cost was attached to our energy and our emotional energy, physical, mental, you know, would it be different in how we spent it? Because it feels so much more tangible, doesn't it? You know, I know that if I do too much, if I really cram it in, it has a cost.

It has a cost. Often I'm irritable, I'm a bit burnt out, a bit short with a kid, so I might not respond in a way that I'm proud of. I might not really feel like communicating with my husband in the evening when he's back from work and I just kind of sit, just want to kind of grunt my.

molo-saballic words from the from the sofa you know I might be able to do it time-wise but actually what is the cost then at the weekend so I just thought this was an absolutely wonderful little nugget do I need it can I afford it and it just challenges that often you know that people pleasing us and and I mean I've done I've got the people pleasing course obviously if this is something you want to delve into and actually sometimes I'm I get really worried about what someone will think if I'd say no to them. What if the relationship can't withstand that? What if I put up a boundary and actually they're offended?

So this thing, it just starts really, when we start challenging and giving ourselves the option and recognizing that there are decisions to be made, then it can start, you know, it's challenging because it is, because it can affect other things and it can throw up these questions of can the relationship withstand that? can my work withstand if I turn down that project and I say actually can't I can't afford it energy wise the cost is too high in other areas that are important to me so if you if you're feeling that this is kind of really stirring up and touching on that people pleasing driving you know the people pleasing course or um you know my book know your worth really delves into people

pleasing as well that could well be one for you to uh to seek out after this episode but um yeah I wonder if that could be ringing in your ears next time you're faced with a question, a demand or a need. Do I need it? Can I afford it? Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of the Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review.

It really makes a massive difference as to how many people this podcast can help. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. you might like to check out my books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Worth and my brand new book called The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book you don't read it from front to back. You just dip in according to what emotion you're feeling where you'll find a mantra, a short passage and a tip to help give you some comfort and guidance in that emotion.

I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way. This is a platform packed with guides, resources and videos with the sole focus on supporting mother's mental health and emotional well-being. Have a good week.