The Therapy Edit - On a tip for being more confident

Episode Date: April 15, 2024

In this ten minute solo episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna shares a tip that has the potential to change a lot in your life, leaving you more confident to establish your boundaries and enjoy a happier and more mindful motherhood experience.We hope it makes a big difference to you.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hey everyone. Welcome to today's solo episode of The Therapy Edit. I want to talk to you about a tip for nurturing more confidence, like the real kind of confidence, not the fake it to make it. confidence. I think we all, we all know about that kind, don't we? We just kind of brace ourselves and we put on a big smile and we can always like force ourselves to talk. I went to a conference recently and I was very much, right, I am going

to challenge myself to go and speak to these people because part of it was just enjoying the different connections you could make with other people that had different work, like working environments and working experiences. And so I really, you know, had to fake it to make it. I had to almost force myself and encourage myself and give myself pet talks to go and speak to different people. Everything inside me is like, no, I just want to speak to the person that I know. Or I just want to take a moment and slowly go and get another cup of herbal tea just so that

I can avoid talking to people because I would actually say that I'm not naturally an extrovert, although many people. would be quite surprised by that. So for me, that confidence that people would have seen externally was very much in very intentional and really uncomfortable at points. But what I want to give you today is a tip on confidence, a tip to become more confident, but the real kind of confidence that says, you know what, I'm okay. I'm okay. In and of myself, I have value. I deserve my space in the world, I deserve to have my voice heard and my needs acknowledged both by myself. And often that's a pertinent one, isn't it? And by other people. So this tip for being more

confident, sounds a little bit harsh, but I'm going to talk you through it. So brace yourself. Stop lying. Stop lying. A tip for being more confident. Stop lying. Stop lying. commit to stop lying. Yes to yourself, of course. How often do we lie to ourselves? How often do we tell ourselves what we should be thinking or feeling when actually we know full well what our gut is saying. We know full well what our heart is trying to communicate what is going through our mind. How often do you lie to yourself? No, I'm fine about this. I can do this when actually you're not fine about it and you need some support. You cannot do this or at least not without huge costs. So stop lying to yourself first when challenges come up. Just let let the truth be the

truth. Stop trying to manipulate it and contort it. And how does this help with confidence? It helps us be more authentic to ourselves. It helps us see ourselves. It helps us see ourselves. and our situations and the levels of our resources and our needs for what they are. But also, secondly, I would love you to think about when you lie to other people. I wrote something here that I'm just going to read out. Again, it's one of these poems. It's not a poem. Is it a spoken word?

I don't even know because it doesn't have a title. It's just some words that I wrote down. And I'm going to read them out to you. I don't mind. It's a lie when you do. Challenge yourself to make a choice, even if your voice is shaking, and see your confidence grow as you honour yourself even when others can't. Maybe you do not care whether your preferences are met or not, but sometimes it's nice to give someone an opportunity to accommodate you.

How often do you say, I don't mind. It's all right. I can do that. No problem. When in truth, it's all lies. You do mind. It is a problem. You don't have capacity for that thing. You're not okay about that. You have the choice to lie, don't you? If someone's like, do you mind if you will come to our house for lunch on Saturday instead of us coming to your house as we had planned? Think about that if someone, you've made a plan to have people over at your house for lunch. And then last minute they say, do you mind actually if you come to us? Now I'm putting myself specifically in this situation imagining what I might say, oh no, it's fine, I don't mind, that's absolutely fine, cool, no problem, will come to you when maybe, in truth, I do mind because we've had a really busy week, the kids are done in, perhaps one of the kids is overtired and would actually just benefit from being in their own environment as planned. perhaps one kid really struggles with change of plans and they're tired and I don't think they're going to really weather that very well and I'd rather not. Perhaps I'd bought all the food

and I'd plan the meal. So to say, oh yeah, fine, that's absolutely fine when it kind of isn't is a lie, right? And what I'm doing is setting myself up maybe for a bit of resentment. What I'm doing is setting myself up to think, oh, now that evening is going to be hard because the kids are going to even more tired, there's going to be fights because, oh, God knows what, you know what I mean, all that food that I bought and I planned. What would it be like to say to that friend, oh, do you mind if you just keep plans as they were because the kids are a bit done in and I feel like changing plans at this point, probably just tip them over the edge of it. What would it be like to just express a little bit of the truth? Even if you don't

want to go barreling in with the entire truth, what would it be like to express a little bit of the truth at work when someone says, oh, you don't mind taking on this extra project, do you? And you'd naturally say, no, it's fine, it's fine. When internally you're going, I do mind, I do mind, I have not got capacity. I'm at my wits end. What would it be like to say, actually, you know what? My plate's kind of full at the minute. And I'm a bit worried if I take it on this project, I'm not going to be able to do it justice. Is there anyone else that might be able to take it on? Or if I do, do you have capacity to support me with that? And you know what? As you tell these truths, these little truths, even if you don't want to tell the whole truth, what was it? They say in court, the whole truth. The truth. the whole truth, nothing but the truth, even if you don't want to barrel in with a full story, the full behind the scenes impact of whatever that is, that commitment, that sure, maybe you can just give a little bit and maybe your hands will be shaking, maybe you will be bracing yourself

for them to turn around and say, oh, should we reschedule actually? Because, you know, we're in a bit of a rush that day. So coming over to your house is just going to, we're probably going to be late and probably going to have to leave early and have that conversation sometimes someone may not be able to accommodate you. Sometimes they may say, oh, you can't take on that project or who else can do it. I really need you to do it. And then you have to negotiate maybe that you kind of snip it down a little bit or, you know, it is just for such a time until it can be handed over or whatever. But maybe there is a conversation to be had there. But the confidence comes in knowing that you have honored yourself, even if that other person cannot as a response, the confidence

comes in the fact that you have acted in accordance to your authentic truth, situation, self, feelings, needs. But just recognise the next time you go to say, I don't mind when you do, what might you say, what might you share, what might you ask of that other person to give them that opportunity to accommodate you, to give them that opportunity to acknowledge you? And if they do not, you have built your confidence that little bit more in doing so yourself. Well, I hope that's helpful. I hope that makes sense. Sometimes when I don't script things very in much detail, I just hope that you can follow where I'm coming from. But if you can and if you enjoy If you enjoyed this episode or other ones, don't forget, just, just, you know, forward one on to a friend, forward one on social media, write a little review or something because it's that that really is the feel to the podcast virus, knowing that you are finding them helpful and you are deeming them worthy of kind of sharing them with your friends and people that you think might help.

And I'm sending you love as you move into this next week. Take care. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses on everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website, anamatha.com. And also, don't forget my brand new book, Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good, and see your children. flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.