The Therapy Edit - On craving space in parenthood

Episode Date: December 26, 2022

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna takes a moment to consider how parents can find the space they may be craving but are not managing to enjoy.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, Psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi, welcome to the Therapy Edit. I hope you're okay, whatever you're up to, I always take a moment before I start recording just to think about you. Think about who will be listening. thinking about what you're up to and I always have someone in mind who is in the car perhaps on the way back from a pickup

or drop off or just going out on walking the dog so whatever you're doing today I honestly I really think about you as I sit down and write my notes for these podcasts and I think what are you needing what might you be feeling

what might be going on in your world right now And if you ever have a particular topic or something you'd like to hear, then just drop me a note and drop me an email or an Instagram message. And just let me know. And I will add it to my list of requests. Now, today's episode is all about needing space in parenting. And it came from this Friday that I had last week. And I'd had a full on week. And I think it's always really important to remember that whatever you see on people, kind of front of house of life, there is always more going on in the background. There are certain things going on in my life that I have not shared on Instagram because it's not appropriate or because it, yeah, I can't basically. It's not always fair. It's not always appropriate, especially when it involves kind of bigger work or relationship stuff.

Anyway, stuff going on. Last week was intense. There were very few moments as there are for many of you in the juggle where I got to do something that refueled me. I love going on walks. I wasn't really able to go on a walk when I might have otherwise been able to or just have a bit of a slower time. It just felt like everything was full. Everything was full. So my Friday came around. Now on Mondays and Fridays I have my youngest daughter. This time is really special to me. It was very intentional. I've had to kind of pack work in a little bit more in my two and a half work days in order to

have these two days with her because she's going to go to school next year, joining my other two in school. And then that's that. I'm finished with little ones who are preschool age. And that feels massive after kind of what will be nearly nine years of parenting. So I made a really conscious choice to have those days to spend with her. So my Friday came along and I was done in. I was done. I was done in and I had a three and a half year old to entertain and now she is a wonderful little firecracker she's one of these characters that can be she's a big character and I think it's so important that we do our best to nurture that because goodness knows we'll need it later in life right so it's full on often being with her it's go go go it's constant and I was just utterly depleted

I wanted to laser about. I wanted to do easy things. I had some errands to run. And I felt this dynamic coming up that I noticed, right? And I actually wrote a poem about it. So I wrote this poem about it and I'm going to read it to you because I know that it will resonate. And yeah, I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Right.

So here's my poem. It hasn't got a name. I didn't get that far. The less breathing space or quiet I get when I'm not. with you the more I crave it when I am with you and your little heart senses my tango of closeness and space and your hands seek me out and your eyes want my gaze and your body demands my closeness and we both want what we're not getting then the guilt rolls in I feel like I could be more of what I lack more patient more giving more present but

We cannot give what we have not given ourselves. We cannot give what we do not have. So I'll seek quiet and calm in the corners of life and between breaths and jobs and in the moments on the sofa when I could be doing a million other things so that next time perhaps I'll drink in your closeness a little more in the same way that you drink in mine. So there's my poem without a title.

And I think I just noticed with my daughter that day as I felt just, I felt irritable. I felt depleted. There was a lot of need and interaction coming my way. And I did not feel like I had the energy for it in a way that I had once dreamed that I would on those days that we spent together. And I felt really guilty about that. I felt quite rubbish about that. I felt quite low about that. And it was almost as if the more I kind of in a way,

stepped away in overwhelmed depletion, irritability, whatever it looked like in that moment, the more she wanted me more. She wanted me more. She felt that disconnection. And she wanted me more. And then it was just like this, as I wrote, it's this tango of distance and closeness. And we both want what we're not getting. And we, you know, we both felt it wasn't a great day. And I thought, how, what can I do about this? And I realized that I was needing that day what I hadn't got that week. And it just was not compatible with spending a day with a three and a half year old, little sweet little firecracker. So I thought, as I try and do, because it's so easy, isn't it, just to get stuck in that place of guilt. It's so easy just to find ourselves in that

place of shame where we just think man this isn't how it should be it isn't how I wanted it isn't how I imagined it and I'm not doing enough and you know where we go you know where we go you go there too I know that instead of completely sitting in that place I I was I sat in that place but then I always try these days to go that little bit further and think okay well what do a need? What can I do differently? And I thought the challenge is often that we end up depleted when we most want to have patience and energy and calm. And normally that is when we spend our time with our children. And it does feel like a precious thing. So we put this pressure on ourselves to enjoy it and to be fully present. I think number one, it's me to recognize actually,

you know what sometimes doing the shop together. That is a thing. And that's doing life together. and interacting with each other and it's not always going to be activities and clubs and crafts. I am not a crafty mum. I find it really hard after. I do have moments where I really engage in craft but you're not alone if you're like,

oh, the glitter really, do we have to really play dough? Oh gosh. But I think it's taking the pressure off yourself to just constantly be interacting the whole time, having those pockets of interaction being together and sometimes acknowledging that you have to do boring things. but I think also I was recognizing that I was needing so much out of that time for myself because I hadn't had it the rest of the week.

So sometimes it is about just zooming out and thinking what are those needs that didn't get met? How might I try and give myself a little bit of something? Now, I've got another podcast episode called Five Ways to Get Space when you can't and Five Ways to Get Rest when you can't. So if you wanted to listen to another little 10-minuteer, it might be good to go and see. those ones out. But I think sometimes it's recognizing that some of the feelings that arise within the guilt on days like this is because we're needing something out of that space that we haven't got on the other days and just thinking creatively. How might I get a little bit more

of that? One of the other things on those days was that she was going swimming. If you've watched my stories, you'll have seen that I had a bit of a meltdown one day. And she really did not want me, I was in the pool with her pretending to be a mermaid and blowing bubbles in the water, which I'm pretty sure is 90% way, just because that's the only way that she would do that swimming lesson without screaming was if I was there. Now, I was just gazing at the pool next to the training pool, just desperate to do some kind of just to go and swim for a minute. And it didn't happen. And then because of that, I felt really, I felt like, my needs weren't met, when actually if I just try a little bit more creatively to get some

moments in elsewhere in the week, I can then, in those moments, be a little bit more present for her. So it has been helpful. And I hope it's helpful for you. And I hope the other episodes give you some creative ways to kind of shoehorn those moments in, especially for those of you who are like, Anna, you haven't seen my diary, you don't know the demands upon me. But there are little creative ways sending you love amidst the juggle of your challenge. by that dynamic tape. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review

because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Dave and Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, Grounding Words for the Highs, the Lows and the Mom's in between. It's a little book. You don't need to read it from front to back.

pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all £12 and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.