The Therapy Edit - On dealing with challenging times

Episode Date: April 17, 2020

Thoughts on what to do when you go through challenging times. How do you deal with the moments you find yourself slipping into old ways of coping?

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi, and welcome to episode three of The Therapy Edit. Today we're going to be talking about feeling challenged. It is undoubtedly a time of great challenge for all of us, really, isn't it? And it has just been really striking me how easy it is for us to slip back into old ways of coping and it could feel like we've taken a step backwards. It might be that there are elements of our mental health that we've really been working on and suddenly we find ourselves reaching for those old coping mechanisms.

I was contacted this morning by my Instagram friend Sober Dave and he shares his sober journey on Instagram and he was saying Anna I've just gone back on to antidepressants I've shared it and loads of people are saying that in this time they're doing the same thing and they're feeling really like they've taken a step back and I think you know when I think about my own life and how hard I have worked and relentlessly I have worked on my own anxiety and dealing with that and you know I have moments where I just find myself almost stepping back into that place again with my head just in a whirlwind and feeling panicky on on edge. And, you know, it's so easy in those moments. And I think often what we do, because we tend to kind of err on the more

critical side of ourselves, don't we, is beat ourselves up and think, man, you know, you've come so far and now you're just going back there. You're just reaching for that thing. You're just thinking about that again or you're just reaching for, you know, whatever it, whatever it was, be it a glass of wine or a, you an entire tub of ice cream, the mechanisms that we have historically used to cope. It might be that for me, and maybe for you, I have a tendency to hedgehog. So when I'm feeling really vulnerable historically, I have done the hedgehog thing of curling up into a little ball and being kind of having my prickles out so that people leave me alone, keep away and just leave me with my feelings because my kind of historic response has just been to kind of shut down those feelings

and I've worked so hard over the years at trying to be more vulnerable with people and trying to get more comfortable with opening up for the sake of my sanity, the sake of my mental health and you know it's it's coping mechanisms like that these times of challenge we can perhaps see ourselves creeping back into and you know it's easy then to get for a You know, all that work that we've done, all of that attempt at dealing with things in a healthier way, you know, it just seems so challenged now. And I want to talk about that. You know, I want to say that this is a time of real challenge. This is a time where everything we have learned is coming to test. You know, it's really, it's pushing our buttons. We're feeling

everything is just compromised, isn't it? You know, the ground that we are standing on is wobbling and it is very normal for us to reach for those things that we've used historically. And there's something comfortable in the familiarity of old coping mechanisms, isn't there? Even though that we know that they haven't given us all that we've needed, we know that they're unhelpful. We know that they haven't served us. We know that there's a reason we've worked hard to address them. But there's something familiar about them. And that's comforting. You know, it's kind of like crawling back into that cozy bed when you're having a hard day and there's just something familiar about it even though we know that we need to do the things we need to carry on we need to

manage the children or whatever it is going on in your household but I just want to say that what we are in at the moment is a state of stress we're in a state of challenge and when we are challenged it's that fight or flight kind of stress response and I think we're kind of we're all in this to a point and that definitely has a purpose so imagine that you're walking you know you're walking into town one day and then someone jumps on you and tries to take your bag you know that that's going to put you in a state of stress isn't it it's going to fire up your nervous system you're going to get shots of adrenaline ready to kind of fight or run and It's kind of like we're in that state quite consistently at the moment because so much

is being challenged. Our coping mechanisms are being challenged. Our way of dealing and responding to things are being challenged. And when we are in this state, we cannot expect ourselves to respond in our normal, measured, rational way. What I want you to do at this point is to start being kind to yourself. Imagine that you have been training at the gym. You have been lifting weights, you have been getting stronger, you've been seeing your muscles grow, you have felt ease in the things that used to be a lot harder physically. And it's encouraging, isn't it? And you see change and you see growth and you feel and look stronger and it makes certain activities easier. but imagine having to carry around a five kilo weight the whole time.

You know, it's going to test, well, you know, maybe for me it would be a five kilo weight for you. If you've got bigger muscles, it might be something more, but something that challenges that slightly. And you carry on going about your day and you're carrying this weight. And yes, you've trained for it. So yes, for a while, it doesn't feel as heavy. But then you can't go about your normal.

you can't make a cup of tea in the same way because you're lumbered with this thing and no matter what training we have done before no matter how much we have worked on our mental health we are stepping into uncharted territories we are feeling really challenged our strength is being challenged our resilience is being challenged so if you find yourself tempted to revert back to some of your older ways of coping that have not been so helpful for you. A, I want you to be kind to yourself, okay? I want you to have compassion for yourself

instead of frustration because when we are frustrated and cross with ourselves, we shame ourselves and it keeps us stuck. So we are far less likely to address that nicely. You know, if a child, say my three-year-old who we've been, you know, working over time on trying to stop him sucking his thumb so consistently for the sake of his teeth, yeah? You know, say he's having a really hard day and that thumb goes back in his mouth.

You know, that is his, he's reverting to a coping mechanism there. He's reverting to something that he has historically got comfort from, even if it isn't great for his dental, you know, his dental future. But that's what he's doing. He's doing it to go back to that place of comfort and familiarity. And if we were just to shout at him and shame him and say, get that thumb out of your mouth. We'd be overlooking all the emotion. The reason that is driving him to seek that comfort. You know, but what we can do instead is say, hey, do you want to cuddle? Come sit on my lap. I love you. Tell me what's wrong. And maybe gently in time, ease that thumb back out of his mouth and give him a different way of addressing those feelings

and comforting those feelings. And I think if we can apply that to ourselves, it's understanding that we're going to be reaching for the old mechanisms, but shaming ourselves isn't going to help is just going to make us feel more kind of self-criticism and more likely to drive us to that place. But speaking gently and compassionately to ourselves, you know, addressing the expectations that we're holding on ourselves at this time, almost like pulling ourselves up, you know, onto our own laps, our inner child, because I think we all have that and just saying, hey, you know, I understand this is hard and I understand that that's what you want to do and where you want to go because that's what you've done before. But let's have a look. You know,

what else can we do? Can we pick up the phone? You know, can we do something that is therapeutic for you in a more constructive way? Everything has just taken a step up and it won't be like this forever. But at the moment it's just massively challenged. So it's understandable that you need a bit more support but it's not failure it's not taking a step back thank you for listening to today's episode of the therapy edit if you enjoyed it please do share subscribe and review you can find more from me on instagram anna martha you might like to check out my two books called mind over mother and know you're worth i'm also the founder of the mother mind way a platform full of guides resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mothers' mental and emotional well-being.

It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.