The Therapy Edit - On dealing with uncertainty

Episode Date: April 2, 2020

How to be calm in times of uncertainty. We are experiencing a period of great uncertainty at the moment. I share thoughts on how we can find our feet in this rocky time.

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello and welcome to my very first episode of The Therapy Edit. I am both excited and nervous, but I've been wanting to do this for a good while now. So what I'm going to be doing is literally just sharing 10 minutes. minutes twice a week on a different topic. So today I'm going to be talking about on dealing with uncertainty. I'm literally sat on my kids' bedroom floor with a microphone on my oldest child's bed. So hopefully this will sound okay and I will get into the swing of it, I'm sure, but I feel

a bit nervous at the minute. So do forgive me. So yes, on uncertainty, I've been reflecting a lot about dealing with uncertainty recently for just really obvious reasons. We're in a time where, you know, it just, it feels like everything we know, everything we know is normal, everything that we lent on before, everything that we trusted about life and all its mundaneness and its roller coasters, everything just feels like it's been shaken. Well, it does for me anyway. And I think for me, the more uncertainty that is I notice the more I try and control things because I think that's what we do, isn't it? Like the more shaky and uncertain things feel, more we try and have some sense of predictability, the more we overthink, the more we project

into the future, to try and to play the what if game, you know, what if this, what if that, what if this happened, then what if that happened? And we're basically just trying to protect ourselves, you know, so that should some of those worst case scenarios happen, we'll be able to turn around and go, see, I knew this would happen, I have prepared myself. But ultimately, no matter how many times we go over and over something in our. our mind, should the worst case scenario actually happen, it doesn't really make it less painful or less confusing or less sad. And I think at this time of just uncertainty, if we can start focusing on actually the things that we can control in our lives and that maybe it's, the focus

needs to be on less about controlling things and more about accepting and coming to terms with the things that actually, we're never really, if we really think about it, in our control anyway, you know, overthinking, I'm an overthinker. I do that. That is what our, well, my mind will naturally do. And it's normally it has a bit of a negative bias, doesn't it? Like, it's not, we don't just overthink about the positive things, really. I, I don't really invest much time in doing that. It's normally the negative, fearful things, the scary things. And sadly we lost my sister when she was nearly seven. I was nearly 10. And, you know, no matter how much we had imagined that scenario, no matter how much we had projected into the future and

what it might be like to lose her, no matter how much we imagined all of those different emotions, it didn't make it feel any better when it happened. It didn't, it didn't, you know, we didn't turn around and go, you know what, I've been through all of this in my head. And so, yeah, I'm kind of prepared for this. And I saw it coming. and it's, you know, I've, I've buffered those emotions there not as as strong. No, it doesn't do that. So, but what does happen when we kind of overthink and we try to over control is that it just takes away from the now, doesn't it? It just draws our attention from what is right in our lives to what could go wrong and living in the moment, which is really hard to do.

And it's a lot of energy, isn't it? It's a lot of energy to, to, it's such a habit running into the future with our hands. heads. We do it without even thinking most of the time and actually taking note of that and noticing it and putting techniques into place to stop that. It does take energy, but we do, you know, we do and we can strengthen that muscle. So I want you to just be kind to yourself in this. You know, there's this uncertainty to this extent is really hard. It is really hard. So there's a lot of fear. There's a lot of worry and anxiety. And it is hard because it is hard. Like it's worrying, because it is worrying those feelings that you're feeling are very valid.

But if you can put a couple of techniques in place that will help you deal with that kind of that overthinking and that uncertainty that isn't going to be helping, it's just going to increase that anxiety. And I want you to think that, you know, you've faced uncertainty before and you've made it through and I know this feels so big and I know it feels so different and unknown, but you've faced big different unknown things before and you have made it through so sometimes it's just really helpful to reflect on those times in our lives that we you know it felt back then like we were looking at a mountain in front of us and it was insurmountable and hard to even contemplate how we'd

get over it but you've done it you've done it numerous times in your life and it was for such a time as this, you know, the strength that you have learned in the little things. It's all coming to be tested now, isn't it? And I find it really helpful for myself at the minute. I don't know. I think maybe my parents used to say this when I was younger and they used to say, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. You know, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. And we can plan and we can have contingency plans and we can address logistics, those things that we can control. You know, who will I call if in under these circumstances if my neighbor isn't able to leave what will we do about the shopping you know to make plans that's really helpful but when we are engaging in the

future in an emotional way investing a lot of energy and emotional and headspace in exploring all of these potential scenarios it's just really going to impact our sense of peace now it's going to cause anxiety and stress. So I encourage you, next time you find yourself going off down the what if path, you know, just gently tell yourself and do it with kindness and compassion. You know, if you've got a child that is feeling really unnerved and scared, you wouldn't just dismiss them and speak to them really cool. You wouldn't just say, oh, come on, get a grip, pull yourself together. And actually, you know, for many of us, perhaps that is something that has been spoken over as children. So maybe that is part of our internal dialogue. Maybe you're actually just telling

yourself to pull yourself together, you know, stop going down that road. You know, that's not helpful. It's like telling a child, you know, trying to comfort a child by just telling them to get a grip, you know, not helpful. So speak kindly to yourself in this. Your brain is running ahead trying to control the future because there's an element of fear. So speak kindly like you would comfort a child or someone that you cared about instead of Anna get over it you know how about you know Anna it's okay it's hard because it's hard but we'll cross that bridge if and when we get to it if that happens if the worst case scenario has come to fruition you've done hard things before we'll we'll find a way we'll cross that bridge when we get to it and I think you know just

keep bringing that gratitude in not to devalue those very real and valid feelings, but just to bring some light into it, because I think what happens when we go into these kind of spirals of fear and overthinking is that it just feels very dark, doesn't it? And what gratitude does? It just kind of switches a light back on or it lights a candle in the corner. And it's like, hey, you know, it draws your attention from what could go wrong to what is going right? And it's about lowering the bar, right? At the minute, I'm finding the smallest things, like having a cup of tea in the sunshine suddenly something that I never would have considered before is actually that can be a special thing. That can be a moment that brings you joy. So just

finding gratitude in the small things, just to bring perspective, just to bring, you know, some enjoyment into it as well. And it doesn't devalue those very real and valid emotions. It doesn't mean that they need to be tucked away. You can feel grateful and scared. You can feel grateful and scared. you can feel fearful and joyful. We can feel all of those things in tandem. So yes, when everything feels so uncertain, just find the certain things in the now. Control what you can.

And everything else you will just cross that bridge. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find more from me on Instagram, Anna Martha. You might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Worth. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mother's mental and emotional well-being. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.

Thank you.