The Therapy Edit - On feeling like an imposter

Episode Date: May 25, 2020

Ever felt like an imposter in your own life or feared being 'found out'? Here are my thoughts on why we feel this way, and what we can do to about it.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Welcome to episode 14 of The Therapy Edit. Today I'm speaking on the imposter syndrome, on feeling like an imposter. This has been such a largely requested topic to speak on. And I think that that is because no matter who we are, no matter what our life looks like, no matter the different roles we play, no one, no one is immune to feeling like an imposter in their own life.

I think so many of us have that fear of being found out. And actually, if we strip it all away, it's that fear of being found not to be good enough. An imposter syndrome, that fear, feeling lies between the gap of what we are putting out there and what people are perceiving and who we know we are. And we know the rough edges of our personalities. We know the worst things that we have ever thought, ever done, ever lost. We know all our failings. We know we know it all and we see it all. So often other people don't.

And that's just a normal part of human interaction is that other people don't, but I think the imposter syndrome lies in that gap where we think that actually, if people really knew us, then our lives would look completely different. If people really knew us, our relationships would be different. Maybe we wouldn't have the jobs that we do, the people in our lives that we do. And let me give you an example, because this has really been something that I have struggled with over the years and so many different contexts. I remember thinking, you know, as I worked in an advertising agency, I'd got there by, let's say,

emphasising certain qualities, certain abilities, and I got a job. And I felt like an imposter. I felt like if they only knew how inexperienced I felt, how low my confidence was, how insecure I felt they wouldn't give me this position. and even in my life as a mother with the cuddles of my children there have been moments where I have felt man if you knew how much I felt I'd failed you

if you knew the moments I'd fallen short of what I wanted to be like for you you wouldn't be giving me this cuddle you wouldn't be given me this love and marrying my husband standing there making our vows so easily I could have completely felt like an impossible

in that moment of man if you really knew who you were marrying how messy i felt in my mind sometimes how unworthy i feel sometimes you would not be making me these vows right now you would not be choosing me and this imposter syndrome this this fear of being found out it it gets into so many different aspects of our lives so what do we do about this we're going to have a little look at exactly what we can do about this. Often we end up feeling like the things that are good in our life are only really there because we've we've conned people. We've managed to to fake it until we've made it and it's like we somehow separate our achievements from who we are as if they don't fit together the relationships the things that are good in our life because there's a disconnect

there's a disconnect between the person who we feel is deserving of these things and how we really see ourselves but I want to say that those things in your life those people in your life the opportunities the successes the achievements that you have been a part of that just shows that these things are a part of you that you did that that you have achieved those things, that it is you that people are drawn to. It is not the entirety of you, but how many people can we say in our lives that we know the entirety of? I am a different version of myself when I'm with my friends around a dinner table on a Friday night than I am when I'm with a client. Does that mean that one of those versions of me are not real, are not right? I think there can naturally be so

much fear around authenticity being authentic because showing our rougher edges and our dark corners and our unfinished bits and our messy past sometimes there's fear that in that vulnerability will be rejected and then our worst fears will come true that actually in and of ourselves we're not enough i encourage you to listen to a few of the other podcasts i've done that address some of these things in more detail. But as we take steps to be who we are, as we take steps to reveal some of those things about ourselves that we fear other people knowing, just to, even to those people close to you. And we get compassion and we get forgiveness and we get, oh, really? Is that, or is that really all? Is the shame? It's the shame that we build around these things that drives

those wedges in relationships and has us thinking, man, if only you knew, you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be here. I get so many people sharing these massive secrets of me in therapeutic conversations. Sometimes it takes months, even years for clients to come out with a thing that has just been sitting at the bottom of their stomach for years and they have had so much shame and that has been their thing that fuels the well, if only you knew, you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be my friend. you wouldn't want to be with me, you wouldn't want to love me, you wouldn't want to give me this opportunity, you wouldn't want to praise me for that, if only you knew, and then someone knows. And I don't run out of the room. And I don't proclaim, oh, my goodness, you're a terrible

person. I normally reply with compassion, far more compassion than they are able to give themselves, and that is where things are able to change, where compassion can come into places of shame, and then we can start letting ourselves off the hook and we can start enjoying some of the things that are in our lives that are good believing that we have a part to play in that. That is a part of us. It might not be all of us, but it is a part of us and it is real and it is not fake and it is not an act.

Often our greatest fear is that we are found to not be worthy, to not be enough. But if we can work on our own sense of knowing that in and of ourselves, in spite of ourselves and in acknowledgement of ourselves and all our complexity and our messiness and our humanity, which is what it is, humanity. We all have these hidden depth. We all have these hidden secrets. We all have this shame. We do, but we don't need it. And the more that we are able to just speak out of an authentic place, even in those little conversations that we have with friends where we would normally just nod along and agree with them

inside thinking, oh, I don't really agree. What we're doing then is in trying to please other people, we are denying ourselves. And we're telling ourselves that our authentic self is not enough that we need to be different. I really want to challenge you, and this is an uncomfortable one, but it's certainly something to think about, what is that thing? What are those things that sit in the bottom of your stomach and have you thinking man if only you knew if only you knew what would it be like to tell someone friend a therapist a family member or even just write it down on a bit of paper but finally i would encourage you to spend time working on your sense of self-worth because if you can find acceptance of who you are in knowledge of and in spite of all

of your failings, your messiness, your dark corners, then maybe it becomes easier to understand that other people might be able to accept you. Just remember all of those parts of you are still you. Therefore, you're deserving of the good things that are in your life. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find more from me on Instagram, Anna Martha.

You might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Worth. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mother's mental and emotional well-being. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon. Thank you.