The Therapy Edit - On finding more confidence in your choices

Episode Date: December 12, 2022

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna shares her thoughts on how 'things can be really nice for you, without being right for me.'

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi, welcome to today's solo episode of the Therapy Edit. I have some thoughts to share with you today on finding more confidence in the decisions that we make for our families. Now this is prompted by a lot of Christmas stuff that I see on social media, mainly things that we have and haven't chosen to do as a family. So we've got things like the Christmas Eve boxes, the elf on the shelf, you know, homemade cards, bubble, Christmas tree reveals, things like that, all of those extra bits. But this episode is actually just translatable also across the rest of the year.

So think about all of the ways that some people do Christmas parties. The ways that some people do lunch. You know, I've seen some absolutely incredible artistic lunches, things, snacks made into, I don't know, animals and I've seen some incredible party bags, just so thought out. I've seen some amazing play ideas, just whole PlayStation's set up. You know, PlayStation's as in not the PlayStation thing, but just creative. areas where the kind of themed areas. I see the most amazing things, the creative ways in which people are celebrating. And it took me back to years ago, this moment I went shopping with my

mum and she picked up, I think it was a skirt. And she was like, Anna, do you like this? And I said, uh, yeah. And actually, it wasn't, I think she was recommending it for me. It was definitely more her style. And I remember saying to her, it's nice for you, but not for me. And we just laughed so much because sometimes we recognize that something is great for someone else. It's clearly them. They're clearly having a great time with it. It's reflective somehow of who they are. But actually, it's just not our thing. That skirt was just not something I would have picked up. And ever since then, we've used this phrase, nice for you, that's great for you, that's lovely for you. And then this kind of this awareness and this acknowledgement that actually it's just, it's not for me.

And then I'm happy that that you like that, but actually it's just not my taste. It's not my style. It's not how I want to spend my resources perhaps or it's not my sense of humor. You know, it's just this acknowledgement that sometimes things are good for someone else, but maybe not for you. I think this is helpful at these times. And we are seeing and observing which we do so much more now and can do so much more than ever before. We are observing someone else doing something that we are not doing. And it is so often that we jump to make a statement either about ourselves or the other person. So let's have a think about sandwiches shaped like bears. I was going to pick a a Christmas example, but I'm going to go with something a little bit more evergreen here. Sandwich is shaped like bears. When I see a picture of someone's beautiful themed lunch, I think, this is how I've thought.

I think, oh my gosh, how much time have they got on their hands? Why are they doing that? Are they that much of a perfectionist that they are creating a themed lunch? And then there's also a bit of me that thinks, well, I don't do that. Should I be doing that? Am I not a good enough mum because I'm not shaping my sandwiches? and it's suddenly I'm having, I'm making statements about them, I'm making statements about me when actually maybe it's just someone else's way of fun. Maybe that's how they want to spend

their time or their resources. And I've got three things to think about when we recognize that we are having feelings about these things. Because you know what? We need to find confidence in finding our own fun to do the things that bring us joy and not. stress the things that add to our days rather than find us flawed by the end of them because we're doing all the shoulds, the things out of duty, we're pressuring ourselves, perhaps to engage in things that we don't have capacity for. Now, if you see the things that others do and you find that pressure and expectation mounting or you recognise that you're making statements somehow about yourself or that other person based on what you've seen,

and then bear these three things in mind. Number one, what you're seeing someone else do might be their way of having fun. It might be their way of having a bit of creative time. I remember talking to Emma of Playful Den. We did an episode on here. It's all about play. And she said that when she sees that a mother has arranged lunch

to look like a bear or whatever, she sees a mother playing. And I loved this insight because suddenly that takes the pressure off. She's playing. She likes playing. That's her way of playing. Her thing that she likes doing creatively that maybe gives her joy. Maybe she isn't doing it of duty. Maybe she isn't doing it to be amazing. Maybe she's just doing it because actually that was fun for her. And I loved that insight because it's really started reframing how I saw these things and the statements that I made. And actually, when we talk about play, we can acknowledge that everyone likes doing different things. Our children like playing in different ways.

Maybe that's your play. Maybe it's not my play. And suddenly it just takes that pressure off. Number two, we all choose to invest our limited energy and resources in different places. Now, we see all these things, social media. maybe we catch glimpses of our friends' lives, these things that people do, these extras perhaps.

And then we can merge them together in this kind of like Frankenstein creation of everything that everyone else is doing, as if everybody else is doing all of the things when actually nobody is doing all of the things, maybe they're just doing one or two. Maybe that mum makes bears out of sandwiches, but she's got no interest in,

want to think of an example now, should have thought of one, colouring glitter. I flippin love decorating cookies with Florence, my daughter. We have so much fun doing that. It's such a go-to. Maybe she's got no interest in that. I love going out scooting. Maybe she doesn't ever want to go out scooting. I've got a grown-up scooter. It brings me great joy. Maybe that's not her joy. You know, maybe we're lumping together all of these extras and assuming that other people are doing all of the things. Number three, there is a hidden cost to doing it all. Maybe someone is doing something out of a desire to try and live up to other people's expectations

or in the pursuit of doing everything brilliantly whilst feeling burnt out and resentful behind the scenes. Maybe that mum is making the bare sandwiches because that's what her friends do and she feels like that's what she needs to do and actually she's doing it thinking, oh my God, gosh, why did I start doing this? I haven't got time for this. My kids now expect it. And, ah, you know, we never know what's going on behind the scenes. So basically, when you find yourself making statements about yourselves or others, just go back to that little thing that my mum said. And I said, as she held up that skirt, you know, that's nice for you. That's

nice for you. How lovely that you have found a thing, whether it's elf on the shelf. And as I shared this on Instagram. I had this mum messaged me and she said, my gosh, you know, I'm almost embarrassed to say that I flip in love, elf on the shelf. And I love that, that she loves it. How have we got

to this place where some of us feel embarrassed to share the things that we love? You know, we had an amazing time doing this ball ball tree reveal thing for our family, WhatsApp. We sent it off around and it's great. And you might find your eyes rolling as you skip past these things.

on your feed and in your life. You know, we all find joy in different things at different times. Now, I just think in this world of heaviness, let's try and embrace the joy that we find in the small things. And I've got something that I wrote that I just thought I might read out, a little bit of self-reflection. Now, if I find myself ridiculing other people's forms of fun, I wonder what is being challenged in me.

Perhaps I'm sadden that I don't have the time or creative energy that others do. Maybe I'm feeling jealous or that the happiness of others highlights the sadness or loss in me. Maybe I'm having to manage the disappointment of my kids that we've had to sidestep the details. Maybe I just don't feel able to own the fact that it's just not my thing and that's okay. It's not my failure. It's just preference. I don't know. But often when we judge others, it's not about them as much as it's about us.

And recognizing this helps us free ourselves up. to see a need that needs to be met, a resource that needs to be topped up, a confidence that needs nurturing or a hurt that needs comforting. And also, as we take responsibility for our own responses, we find the freedom to stop concealing ourselves. Out of fear, do you recognize this in yourself, of prompting feelings in others? Like, I don't want to tell people that I love this because I don't want them to feel bad or like they need to be doing it or think things of me. Now, we can be kind, loving and considerate. But above and beyond that, other people's reactions to the choices you make are their responsibility to.

Now, in a world where there is so much going on, it's a wonderful thing when we own our quirks and we claim our fun. Now, not everyone will get you, but we're far more likely to find those who do when we don't hide ourselves. So there we go, some little words that I wrote down about this. So have a think about what those things are that you just love doing and own them and claim them. And maybe if you see other people do different things, just instead of making statements, just say to yourself, that's nice for them. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on

Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mindave and Mother, know your worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book. You don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all £12 and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.