The Therapy Edit - On Fractured Friendships

Episode Date: May 20, 2024

In this guest requested solo episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna offers some advice about managing fractured friendships.We hope for those who are feeling confused about friendships that once felt so strong, this is the episode for you.We hope you enjoy the listen.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello, I hope you're well as you tune into this little solo episode for the next 10 minutes of the Therapy Edit. Now, this is about fractured friendships. It was a question that came to me on my social media. when I put a little shout out for a topic request. And this person wanted tips for being ghosted by a friend. Now, I understand this to mean when someone just stops responding to you. You don't know why you're not sure what you've done wrong.

They haven't given you that opportunity to talk or let you know if you've upset them. There's a lot of confusion there. Now, I'm going to give you five tips on how to handle situation. like this, but even if you haven't been ghosted by a friend, but things have gone a little bit strange. Maybe there's been a miscommunication or that person isn't responding to you in the manner or the speed that they might normally do and you just get that sense that something isn't right. Maybe it's the, and this person said that they've had kids and their friends haven't, these couple of friends haven't. So maybe it's that you are in a different,

live stage to that friend and you'd hoped that your friendship might have continued on in the way that it had before, but it just doesn't feel the same. And you've wrapped your brains as to what you might have done wrong, but you can't come up with anything. So what do we do in these situations where there's just this uncertainty and confusion? And it's hard to know how to play it sometimes, isn't it? Because you don't want to come across as really just worried and need a lot of reassurance. But actually, maybe you do need some reassurance. Maybe you do need some clarity. And I think we can sometimes really fear being too much or being needy, these kind of narratives that find us holding ourselves back. But actually, what these narratives hold us back from is being authentic in relationships. So we're going to challenge that a little bit. So if you've got a situation going on, then these are some tips you might like to think about. Number one, know where your responsibility lies. I think this is really helpful. This is helpful in a lot of situations, especially when you think, oh, are they cross with me? Have I done something wrong? Know what you

are responsible for. We are responsible for our behaviour. We're responsible for how we approach things, how we articulate things. We are responsible for holding our boundaries and respecting other people's. We are responsible for voicing our needs, opinions and doing so in a respectful way. But we cannot be responsible for how someone receives it. We cannot be responsible for the lens through which someone hears the words that we speak. You might say the most articulate, worded, well-intended thing. And if someone takes offence to that, that is not your responsibility

to change how they see things. It is hard. It is hard to feel misunderstood. It is hard to feel like you can't change a situation. But knowing where your responsibility lies is really, really helpful. You can be responsible for reaching out to someone, but you cannot be responsible for what they do with that. You cannot be responsible for whether or not they are willing to work on a friendship. So that's step one is really just identifying what might you be taking responsibility for

that is not your responsibility, is not your fault, is not your, yeah, it's not within your control really, I think is what we're saying. Number two, ask them outright if they've upset you. things you can't apologize for something that you're not aware you've done wrong. If you have done something wrong, perhaps there were some words shared that maybe you wish you hadn't said that, yeah, that's your responsibility to say sorry. And you can ask them outright whether they've upset you, whether anything has changed,

whether they are okay. And if they don't wish to tell you, don't wish to tell you honestly or openly, then you've met your side of the responsibility and what can you know what can you do from there really and that is hard that is hard but what you can do is number three if you want to say your part if it's hard to have a conversation maybe you write it down maybe you take some time to think about what feels unresolved what would you like to happen you might want to say you know i i know you don't seem to want to speak to me but I just want to say that I miss you, and I'm confused as to why you don't seem to want to

continue our friendship. I'm here if you want to talk, but I will respect that you seem to want space. So you can be honest. You can find your way to have your voice. You can think about how to word it. You can, yeah, you can maybe even speak to someone else, a friend or a family member, just to chat that through with them as to what you might say. And that, if you want to take it, It can be that that's the extent of your responsibility, isn't it? You can make yourself available. You can express a little bit of your experience in this relationship at this point, perhaps express a bit of your confusion.

So then number four is sitting with the unknown. Now in a world where we can just Google absolutely anything and everything, we can find it really, really hard not to have the answer, not to know why someone is being the way that they are being. wouldn't it be great if we could just Google this and find the answer? What did I do wrong? Why is this person annoyed with me? Why are they not replying to my phone calls and my messages? Wouldn't it be great if Google could just say, well, actually two years ago, on a night out, you did say this. I'll draw a couple of glasses of wine. But we do not know. And it is the other person's responsibility

to share that with us if we do not know. We cannot know what we do not know. Someone can only choose or not to tell us, but how can you find a way to sit with the unknown? Yeah, we can look at patterns in our relationships. Maybe we can see that actually there are certain situations where other friends have gone quiet on me. What might this say about my way of communication or might there be some feedback there that could be helpful? And this isn't about overthinking and over analyzing. It's just sometimes we can identify patterns in relationships that maybe can say a little something to us. And again, there's a choice there. If you want to say, if you want to go back to a friend or an old friend and say, you know what, there's a pattern actually that I see and I'd love

a little bit of feedback. Gosh, these are hard questions to ask, aren't they? But yeah, they're big ones to ask. But sometimes we might be keen for it if we're seeing patterns. We might want to speak to a therapist or a friend just to get some honest feedback or insight to a pattern that may keep repeating itself. But sometimes people just have their own reasons that have absolutely nothing in truth to do with us at all. Now, we could list them, couldn't we? We could sit here and think of so many reasons as to why your friend perhaps might have gone a little bit cold or strange on you. Maybe they're feeling low. Maybe they're struggling with a difference behind the scenes, maybe they're struggling with feelings of envy.

We could hypothesize all of these things, and it is only that other person's responsibility to share that with you or not. We could get bull's eye in that little list, or we could just be missing the mark. And there is that level of unknown and sitting with that unknown, which leads me to number five and it comes down to grief, often this is. Often this is one of the points in these five tips because sometimes there is just a sadness because it's just sad. It's sad that it's got to this place. It's sad that there's the loss of a relationship that you hoped would be able to withstand this challenge or change. It's sad that there is a shift and something that you really

enjoy doesn't feel the way that it used to. And it is okay. to be sad, to feel hurt, to feel confused. Talk those emotions out because actually that is what helps them soften because as we allow ourselves to feel, experience and express these emotions, that is where we start moving through to that place of acceptance where instead of that disappointment, that frustration, that sadness, you start moving through to this place of acceptance. You know what? I'm sad. I'm sad. I'm sad that that relationship isn't what it was, but I accept that. And I can now put my energy into other friendships, perhaps, or addressing a pattern that might

have been going on for me in a relationship. So sometimes it's hard not knowing, isn't it? It's hard not having the why, but those things you can do. Know where your responsibility lies. Ask them outright. Say your part if you want, write it down. Sit with the unknown. and grieve the loss or shifting relationship to get to that place of acceptance.

I hope that was helpful and I will be back with you very soon. Take care, guys. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses on everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website, Anna Martha. And also don't forget my brand new book, Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish

as a result. Speak to you soon.