The Therapy Edit - On getting better at letting others support you

Episode Date: February 20, 2023

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna explores how listeners can get better at accepting offers of help - guilt free. This in turn allows us to reduce feelings of overwhelm and burnout.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, Psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello, I hope you're okay as you tune into this episode today. It's a solo episode. It is one in response to a question that someone asked me, one of you wonderful listeners. and it's all about finding it easier to let others help you. And the question was, Anna, I find it so hard to ask people for help when I'm feeling overwhelmed. How can I do it without feeling guilty? Now, I know exactly what you mean. I have done wild things in the course of my lifetime in order to avoid letting anyone help me

or anyone know that I was having a hard time or needed help. And one of the worst times, as I read that question, my mind was just thrown back was when I was struggling with my second child. He had undiagnosed silent reflux, as many of you will know. I've spoken about it in lots of different contexts. I was getting no sleep and would often cry my way through the night along with my child. It was just an absolute mess, a real dark time. Now, I told my husband sleep in another room. That was partly because I felt and believed at that time, it was my job and my job only to be the tired one, as he had long work hours. I mean, I had a toddler, lots of other stuff going on, but that was the narrative that I had at

that point in my life was that it was my job. But the other reason was that I couldn't bear him seeing how much I was struggling. Now, at the hardest time in my life, I could not let the closest person to me be there for me. I kind of felt like, well, he couldn't really make it better. So what was the point anyway? Now, this story changes, fortunately, and I'll tell you about that in the moment. If you are listening and you find it hard to ask for or to accept support in any way, be it downloading to a friend because you find it easier to be that go-to person and that's

more of your comfortable position and a friendship. So therefore it's hard to kind of share. you're behind the scenes. You'd rather talk about them. Perhaps it's that you find it hard to accept an offer of help or friendship. Now think about this, we need people. I really want you to hear this. We need each other. Now that's not failure. It's not weakness. It might feel like because that's the narrative that you have had or the world has given you or whatever may have happened that has taught you that you need to meet your own needs. You need to keep calm and carry on. You need to suck it up and get on with it. You need to be grateful and not have any of the

other feelings that can come with life like frustration and overwhelm, anger, disappointment, grief you need people it's not failure it's not weakness instead it is how as humans we thrive we need each other on our own we survive we scrape through we haven't got the resources to meet all our needs we haven't got the resources to answer all our own questions we cannot hold ourselves all the time, letting others help us is how we thrive. Now, do you want to thrive? Because I can remember various different points in my life. When I tried to meet all my own needs and I tried to shut people out, I was not thriving. It was the only way I knew, but I was not thriving. And sometimes sorting ourselves out or helping ourselves has been a way of surviving.

it might be the entire times in life if you look back you didn't have people that you could trust perhaps you were really really let down at a time that you were vulnerable so there have been times when you have had to there has been no other option but to try and meet your own needs now the challenge comes when this survival technique becomes a lifestyle it becomes a lifestyle it becomes comes the way that we live, the way that we deal with challenges, the way that we approach things. Oh, I do it. I'll sort it out. It's my issue, my problem, my thing to fix. We need people to make us cups of tea and listen to us. We need people to hold us, to walk beside us when things are messy. We need people to walk with us when we are carrying a heavy load even if they are not

able to take it from us. You deserve those things. You need those things. Now I know that it isn't that simple and I know that there might be a louder voice inside of you screaming, I know, I know, Anna, but I can't. I find it so painful or awkward or guilt-ridden to ask, let alone accept. Now often what we do is we, we think, right, I will accept support if I don't feel guilty. Now, we can, we can try and wait for the guilt to calm down before we accept whatever offer of support you receive. Or we can ask for it with a shaking voice. Now, I, I'm sure you have had moments where you've found it really hard, but you know you've had to and your voice has been shaking and everything inside you wants to retract that need that you've

expressed. Now, as you begin to reach out and let others reach you as well, you realize how it's a two-way street and how this is what enriches and deepens and strengthens relationship, letting someone help you enriches that relationship because it feels really good to help, doesn't it? It feels useful. You know when you've seen a friend struggling and they don't want to talk about it? They don't want your help or a family member.

You can see that they're struggling or you can see that they are not okay and they don't want to talk about it. What about when they do? Enriches relationship and it feels good. It feels good to be useful, doesn't it? It feels good to know that you are there and that they have let you there. So feel the guilt and do it anyway.

And then this is what? As we do this, even if our palms are sweating and our voice is shaking, as we do this, as we step out of that comfort zone, of our own, I'll meet my own needs, of our own self-sufficiency. And we start to realize that with other people, it feels like a very vulnerable thing to do but we start to realize that with other people we thrive someone might not be able to fix our situation but they can be with us in the mess and trust me that is a lot because loneliness in that mess makes that mess even harder makes that hard time even feel even longer when you

are alone and you are weeding your way through it so back to that night back to that time in my life with the refluxy baby and me on my own. This is my job. You go sleep upstairs. I don't want you to see me like this. Now one night in a state of real dark despair, I went upstairs. I wake my husband up if he wasn't already awake. I don't think that door, that room didn't have a door on it. So I don't think he was particularly sleeping well with all the screaming. But I got him up and I said, you've got to come back into our room. And he sat beside me on the bed and I hate him. it. It made me feel really vulnerable. But for the first time, I'd let him come into the mess with me. And that was the start of something great. Now challenge yourself to take small

steps of vulnerability. You don't need to rip off the band-aid. Just open up a little bit to those who have historically, I always say this when we're trying to work out, but who and a who. open up a little bit to those who have historically been kind and supportive. Share a little bit and see how they respond. Share a little bit more and just allow yourself to grow into that confidence. Accept an offer of help. Even if inside everything wants you to say no, tell them that everything wants you to say no. I've had friends say, can I just come and help you out? Can I can I help you by doing this? Or do you want to talk about it? it. And I've said, do you know what? Everything inside me wants to say no, thank you. But I'm really

trying. I'm really trying to let people in. I'm really trying to let people help because I know that this is hard and I know that you care about me. So admit it, if you know that person well enough. Everything in me wants to say no, but thank you. I'd love to accept despite that because in time, it becomes easier. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha.

You might like to check out my three books, Mind Over Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows, and the moments in between. It's a little book you don't need to read it from front to back. you just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.