The Therapy Edit - On guilt around not always being there for your child

Episode Date: July 8, 2024

In this solo episode of the Therapy Edit, Anna responds to a listener request around the guilt we feel when we can't always be there for our child.This particulr listener could not attend Sport's Day around their work commitments, a scenario we're certain many of you will have experienced. Listen in to enjoy Anna's compassionate words about how you can manage feelings of guilt that crop up in response to your parenting decisions. 

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. Welcome to today's solo episode of the Therapy Edit. I am today answering a question that somebody sent me all about the very familiar parenting guilt. So, the very familiar parenting guilt. So, the question was that I received. They said this. Hi, Anna. I love your 10-minute podcast. One thing I really struggle with at the moment is guilt around not being able to attend all the school events that take place during the day due to work commitments and or not being able to do all the drop-offs and pick-ups. I told my child last week that I was unable to attend sports

day because of work and she burst out crying. I felt awful. I arranged her grandparents, parents to come, so she'll still have family to watch her, but I still felt so guilty. I try my best to go to as many of events that my timetable allows, assemblage, shows, etc., but it doesn't feel enough, and I feel like I'm letting my child down. Any tips would be very much appreciated. Thanks. Okay, so I absolutely relate. Deeply, I have, oh my gosh, between the three kids, and there are so many things to go to, so many things to do, so many meetings to have, conversations, the WhatsApps of all, you know, you're kind of privy, aren't you to seeing who is able to go to everything? And then who's also more on top of staff, who's more available, who is always

there at Pickab, always there at Drop Off. So I've got three things that I hope will help you with that guilt. But yeah, you're not the only one. There'll be so many people listening. to this with that pang of guilt because they feel that they're thinking about a very specific situation as they as they hear those words. First of all, number one, you're not doing anything wrong. In all of my work on a write about guilt, I often write about justified and unjustified guilt. And sometimes we feel guilty because it's a little flag that pops up to say, hey, you need to check something here. You need to adjust a boundary. You need to maybe get a tool to help deal with that situation in a slightly different way next time. So guilt can be really, really helpful.

It can prompt us to address things and change things and learn. But also, there is a ton of guilt that we often feel that is unjustified. It is not a fault. You're not doing anything wrong. You are not doing anything wrong. And I think sometimes when we feel that guilt that we know if a friend experienced that guilt, we'd want to say to them, you know what you're not doing anything. wrong. I know it's hard, but you're not failing in that respect. And so I think sometimes, yeah, just recognizing that the narrative that we perhaps have in our minds may well be that you have to be there for everything all the time. And maybe you look around you and you see a parent or two that are able to be there for everything all of the time because of their own circumstances.

And then you can find yourself comparing what you're available for to what they're available for and somehow find yourself lacking, but in reality, how many parents can be there for all of the things all of the time? And I think there would be very, very few. And it's hard and it can feel sad to miss out, but you are not doing anything wrong. You're probably likely leaning into a narrative that says, I should be there all the time for every single thing for my child. That is what being a good parent is. If that's what being a good parent is, then... Many of us, if that's where the bar is set, we'll be missing it, are missing it, probably all of us actually in somewhere or another. And what I love about what you shared is that you

have sorted out that a grandparent would be there. You've made sure that there is someone watching her that is a familiar face. And that's a wonderful thing to have done or to even have attempted to do. And I think many of us would want to do the same. We'd want to have our child look around and see a familiar face, but even then that's not always possible. Perhaps you could ask your child to look out for someone's parent and maybe, you know, a friend of yours could give them a wave and give them an extra loud clap on your behalf. But I think recognizing that you are not doing anything wrong and you're probably leaning into that narrative that says, I should be there all their time at everything. And how sustainable and possible and logistically.

viable is that going to be you are not doing anything wrong and not being at all the things number two that I've written down here is disappointment is a really healthy thing to learn to navigate and if our children can learn disappointment in these moments as we say you know I'm so sorry I can't be there I really want to be there granny and granddad are going to be there but I can't be there this time I can't always be there disappointment is it really healthy feeling to learn how to navigate. This is healthy, helpful learning for our kids. There are times I disappoint my child. There are times that the decisions I have to make, the boundaries, I have to draw, the juggle that goes on means that they're disappointed in me with what's going

on. And that can feel hard as a parent, but disappointing your child and then helping them navigate that and being there sitting there as they feel those feelings of disappointment and maybe even a grief that they feel, the sadness that they feel, those are really healthy, normal responses to not getting what we desire and showing your child that you're there for them as they feel that, but you can't change that. That is a really powerful thing to be able to offer because they will be disappointed in life along the way. Think about the disappointments that you've experienced, the disappointment at not getting that job that you so wanted, the disappointment perhaps that a friend wasn't able to be the support that you needed them to be at a time that you

needed. The disappointment. And as we can learn that disappointment is a hard feeling to feel, but in the end, it's okay and the people around you can withstand that disappointment of yours. then we're teaching them to move through that feeling. We're teaching them that we love them. Life doesn't always work out how we want it to. The things that we desire don't always look the way that we might hope. And sometimes people can't be where we want them to be. But at the end of the day, it's okay because we're loved and people can cope with our disappointment.

That is a really valuable learning for life. The thing is when we rush to fix it, when we rush to. perhaps, you know, say that you cancelled those meetings and you changed everything around and you were there. That child isn't going to learn to journey through that disappointment. And perhaps you might even hold some resentment of being there. Maybe you're there, but you're not fully present because you're watching your phone. You're stressed. You feel like you should be somewhere else. Actually, you're being authentic to the commitments that you have. We can find it hard seeing our children navigate some of these feelings and we can sometimes want to move the world around

to relieve them of them, but actually in those moments, you are there when you can be and that is the gift that you are giving them and their disappointment when you can't be. That is also a gift even though it may not feel like it in that moment for them nor you. Number three, the final little tip that I have and I have so many more, as you know, raising a happier mother has lots in there and then also the little book of new mom feelings also has. It also has I was a whole chapter on guilt, but chapter four of my brand new book, the uncomfortable truth, is titled, I Can't Be Fully Present all the time. And it is one of these truths that I think the sooner we come to terms with the fact that we cannot always be present, both in mind

nor body, then the more intentional we can be in those moments that we can be. I'm just going to read you a little section of the book, just a little paragraph that I think might are really relevant for those struggling with this kind of guilt. The more we recognize that we won't and can't always have our focus on the moment in front of us or be there in mind or body, then the less pressure we can place on ourselves and the guilt and shame we feel when we realize that we've missed things, memories and people along the way. By accepting the uncomfortable truth that you will not always be present, you are actually freeing yourself up to recognize that when the choices arise to focus on the moment in front of you, you can be

there. By acknowledging that you will miss valuable moments along the way, be a sports day or even first steps as your attention is turned elsewhere, you will miss those valuable moments as you whiz by in a rushing haze as you have to focus on different commitments. And the more you recognise that this is just part of life, then you won't be too full of regret to see the wonder in front of you that is still there for the taking. You know, as we worry that we're not there enough, so often we're then filled with that guilt or shame that stop us from being present in those moments that we can. So sending you love as you grapple with this and I'm doing it along with you too. Take care. I am so excited to announce that my brand new book, The Uncomfortable Truth,

Change Your Life by Taming Ten of Your Mind's Greatest Fears, is available for pre-order now and is out on the 8th of August. And in this book, we tackle some of life's big, unavoidable, uncomfortable truths such as some people don't like me. I am going to fail. Life isn't fair. Bad things will happen. this book, we tackle these big, uncomfortable trees that rob us of so much headspace and energy as we try and control and avoid them. And as we move into a place of radical acceptance of these truths, you will find yourself living more freely and intentionally with more presence and confidence than ever before. So come on this journey with me and pre-order now at Wardstones and Amazon. We can celebrate together.

Thank you.