The Therapy Edit - On how not to pass your insecurities on to your kids

Episode Date: June 13, 2022

Anna considers how we can protect our children from developing negative mental and emotional health habits as a result of our own worries and insecurities.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello and welcome to today's solo episode of the Therapy Edit. Now, I'm answering another question from some wonderful mum in my community on Instagram. And the question today was, Anna, how do I not pass my insecurities on to my kids? Isn't this such a concern for so many of us? Now, I know that the statistic is that one in four struggle with mental health challenges, but actually I honestly would be shocked if it wasn't more like three and four or even four and four to varying degrees.

I mean, have you ever not felt anxiety? If you never not felt low for a period of time. You know, we all have mental health. And mental health impacts us every single day in every area of our lives in some way to varying degrees, to varying degrees. But, you know, our emotional and mental well-being impacts how we feel each day. It impacts how we parent. So when this lovely follower asked, you know, how do I not pass my insecurities onto my child, you know, this is one for all of us, whether you identify with having anxiety or low self-esteem or it might be body, you know, challenges around how you, your relationship with your body. It could be anything. It could be that internal self-criticism. It could be that perfectionism that, that you know kind of affects you each day in some way. It could be people pleasing.

You know, it could be actually, I feel really flipping guilty when I rest. I don't want my kid to feel like that. I don't want my kid to feel like that. So how do we stop our insecurities and our challenges affecting our children? So I've got some thoughts for you. Now, I had this realization the other day and it is really, it sounds really harsh, okay? But I'm going to show it with you because it really brought things in sharp focus for me. what if the ceiling for our children's mental health was dictated by ours?

I mean, wow. Number one, that's terrifying that if my mental health is not great, that's going to impact my children. Now, I know that my children are so blessed to have different input in their lives. So I am not their only hope. I am not that only person that there is influencing. them. But I know that, and I know this from my own life, from being a child parented by parents who are also not perfect, who have had their own mental health challenges

along the way too. I know that my, how I am affects my children. I know that if I am not mentally well, if I am struggling, then they are going to be experiencing that in some way, no matter how much I try and cover it up, they, you know, they just sense things, don't they? So what if? And now this is taking it a little bit further, isn't it? Because it just, it just calls us to realize that, you know, really when we're thinking about, I don't want my child to be impacted by how I'm feeling. You know, we're trying to change what is happening between us and then when actually, you know,

we want to protect them. We want to protect them. And what is the most powerful way to do that? The most powerful way to do that is to seek ways to address our own insecurities. And I get a lot of parents asking me how, you know, I really struggle with anxiety, what can I do to ensure that my child doesn't struggle anxiety? And I always say, you can address your anxiety. You know, you can address your anxiety. If you want your children to grow up to feel deserving of rest, address your attitude to rest. If you want your children to grow up with really, you know, healthy relationships with their bodies, how might you address yours? Because they learn and they see, and this is the hardest thing in parenting, isn't it? That we would love to

protect them from all of those imperfect, messy parts of ourselves. We would love that. But the way that we can do that for them in some way, because we can't do it all, we can't affect the way that the world will influence them or other people in relationship, that they will, the relationships that they'll have along the way, but we can address what they see and what they observe and what they absorb in us. So if we want, we want, we have a high bar for our children's emotional well-being, don't we? We want great things for them. We want them to grow up knowing that they're acceptable, knowing that they're valuable. So what if, where we set their bar is limited by the bar that we set for ourselves.

You know, I don't want my child to be overwhelmed by anxiety, but it's okay for me, but I'm going to do whatever I can so that they don't get overwhelmed. I'm going to give them the tools, but actually the most powerful thing is that you get the tools for you. You get the tools for you. So you are living it and they are learning through seeing how you address anxiety. Because they will face anxiety is part of life. but how the best way for them to learn how to approach that anxiety and process that anxiety

is through watching, through watching you. So as you think about the standard and the yearning that you have for your children's mental health, you know, think how is, where does that compare to mine? Where does that compare to the standard that I have for my mental health? What do I think, oh, this is just the way I am, but I do want my children to experience that. So I'm going to find out what I can do for them. No, what can you do for yourself in raising that bar? So obviously then it comes to that sense of like,

but Anna, how can I access this support? How can I access this support? And I know that there are so many barriers, again, to accessing that support, but there are lots of different resources. There are lots of like, if you go on the Mind website, if you speak to your GP, they might be able to direct you to services online,

of which there aren't as many waiting kind of time to wait, I've got obviously I've got the mothermind way which is a platform full of resources that I I think last year made them all 12 pounds so if it's anxiety there's a reframing anxiety course that's five five minutes for three weeks five minutes a day for three weeks self-worth I've got the the week on worth and people pleasing or got the people pleasing course and there's stuff from guilt and health anxiety and and driving anxiety and sickness anxiety and there's so much on there because I know that we need to raise the bar for our own mental health to a similar place to where it is for our children.

So raise the bar as you think about, I don't want to pass the minorities on to my kids. How can you raise the bar for yourself so that they are observing and that they are absorbing things that are going to be so brilliant for them? So talk to them as well. Talk to them. Children are quite egocentric, which means that they think that the world revolving,

around them. If you're sad, children will just think I made mommy sad unless, you know, so there is so much use in sometimes saying, I will say to the kids, mom is feeling so grumpy today because I'm really tired and I didn't sleep very well last night. What I'm saying is that you're not making me grumpy. You know, if I'm feeling anxious in the car, I'm like, oh, mommy just gets a little bit nervous sometimes in the car. It's not them. I'm just talking. I'm verbalising some of these things, so that in time that they might find words for their challenges too, so they feel are more able to verbalize and talk to them. You know, and also teaching self-forgiveness, because, you know, one of the things I didn't want to pass on to my kids was this kind of critical

internal dialogue. And if they see that I drop something and that response is that physical tensing, that irritation towards myself, you know, what if I'm to go instead? Oh, dear, these things happen. You know, what am I teaching them? My daughter, I never get, she dropped to this massive mug of milk on the floor. And she goes, oh dear, never mind. And I loved it because that is so different to the internal dialogue that I have had for so many years. And in trying to change my internal dialogue, I'm obviously responding differently in

moments, not all of the time, but more of the time. So, you know, teaching self-forgiveness, modeling self-forgiveness, saying these things out loud challenging that internal dialogue and thinking how can I externalize it so that so that then they can start adopting that a little bit for themselves I love it I love it you know I love seeing it come out of them I see a lot of other stuff come out of them don't get me wrong stuff that is reflective of some of the ways that I think and speak that I wish I didn't do and I'm working on but you know it's it's giving yourself credit for those things that you're working on and you'll start seeing them come out on them and that's amazing another one is

is to assess your parenting. I just think honestly and openly, what am I often feeling guilty about? And if I'm using that guilt, and I've spoken about this before, is a flag to prompt me not to shame me. What might it be prompting me to do? How can I resource myself? What might, what support might I need? You know, even if it's just support that I'm offering myself and how I'm talking to myself, do I need to listen to something, read something so I can get some tips and tools? And then finally, you know, if we want to not pass our children's insecurities, our insecurities onto our children, it's about thinking, how can I widen that margin between something's happening, I'm triggered, something's triggered in me, and then responding. So, you know,

that dropping something on the floor, my initial reaction might be like, oh, for goodness sake, Anna. But if I have, and if I'm tired and depleted, that probably is how it comes out. But the more resources we have in ourselves as we prioritize and value meeting our really basic needs to begin with, respecting a meeting our basic needs. The bigger that margin is where we can take a beat, you can take a breath. So I drop the thing. And I think in my head, oh, you stupid, you know, silly woman. And then actually I can take a breath and I can take a beat and I can think, whoa, that's a bit mean. And I can say out loud, oh dear, these things happen. And you know, the more depleted we are, the more we react to.

the more it comes out, you know, it comes out automatically, it comes out in that knee joke reaction, the less we respond. So, you know, one of those things that you need to do is just start meeting your needs so that you can have a little bit more of a second, the beat, which we need energy for, to decide how we react. So there are some thoughts on how not to pass insecurities onto your kids and I think it's firstly about upping the bar for your mental and emotional well-being I hope that was helpful thank you so much for listening to today's episode of the therapy edit if you enjoyed it please do share subscribe and review it really makes a massive difference as to how many people this podcast can help you can find more from me on

Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Worth and my brand new book called The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book. You don't read it from front to back. You just dip in according to what emotion you're feeling, where you'll find a mantra, a short passage and a tip to help give you some comfort and guidance in that emotion. I'm also the founder of the mothermind way. This is a platform packed with guides, resources and videos with the sole focus on supporting mother's mental health and emotional well-being. Have a good week.