The Therapy Edit - On how to ask for help without the guilt

Episode Date: August 29, 2022

In this episode of The Therapy Edit Anna offers listeners some advice on how to accept help, guilt-free, whenever it's offered. She considers the reason that many mums find it so challenging to accept offers of help, rest and respite and how we can identify genuine offers of help that are given willingly and get better at saying 'yes please.'

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi, welcome to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. It's just me today and I am going to talk about how to not feel guilty or not feel so guilty or how to address the guilt that often arises when we're asking for support or when we're offered support. Because we know, or at least hopefully we know, if you've listened to enough of my chattering away, that we need support. We're deserving of support. We simply cannot and are not designed to do this thing or motherhood alone. But I think one of the biggest challenges is that even when that support is there,

guilt can feel like a barrier to actually accepting it or asking for it. So if you recognize that feeling, then this is for you. So I'm going to give you some thoughts. So it's that knowledge, I think, first of all, that parenting is, and we know about the village, and that's such a tricky one, isn't it? Because so many people feel like they don't have a village. Or if they do, it's hard to actually access it. perhaps you've turned for support and it's not been there.

So that wall goes up and we want to protect ourselves by not asking for again. Perhaps you have a narrative that you need to be doing this all on your own. This is something I massively had to unpick when I had postnatal depression because I just started to really realize that I couldn't. And the feelings of failure that came with that drew me to one of the most important realizations I think of my life was that, you know, not being able to do everything on your own isn't failing. It's just the fact that you are a single person. You are one person. That's it. It's not failing. It's human that need for support. I want to encourage you when it comes to getting to that

point of asking for it. And when I'm talking about support, I mean anything. I'm talking practical, emotional, just kind of someone to rant you down the phone, whatever kind of support it is. Maybe it's someone that says, hey, do you want your child? come over for a playday, and you can get some stuff done. And your automatic reaction is, oh, no, don't worry, I'm fine. Thank you so much. That's so kind of you because you feel guilty or you don't want to be a burden. So if you find that you are often struggling with that,

I encourage you to think about what is it that you actually need? If someone could give you anything, what would it be? And when I ask moms in coaching sessions, you know, often I say, what three things do you need? And I want to ask this to you right now, what three things do you need? If I could give you anything, what would those things be? And so often the response is, first and foremost, tends to be tears because often we're so intent on looking at the needs of those around us and trying to assess them and see how we can help feel the gaps and support them that many

of us have forgotten the language of our own needs. So that can be such a big question. But if someone is going to say, how can I help you? Do you need any help? You know, it's so good to actually know what those needs might be. And it tends to be kind of rest and space, the two of the main ones, aren't they in motherhood? It might be emotional support. It might be someone just to give you some grounding words because things feel just full on and overwhelming. Someone to literally sit down with you and guide you through all the things you have to do to kind of help you determine what you might be able to delegate to another day? You know, what would your ideal situation be? What are those needs? Now, when we step out and ask them, which can off, we can

find ourselves staying with our hearts racing and our palms sweating because it can feel like a massive thing to ask someone to help you. It can feel like a very vulnerable thing. And I think it's Brene Brown that says if vulnerability was easy, it wouldn't be so brave. And it's so true, isn't it? That stepping out sometimes feels like such a massive thing. When a friend says to me, do you want to chat on the phone? Are you okay? Do you want to call? And everything in me wants to go back to that old narrative of like, oh no, it's fine. Don't worry. I don't want to burden you. And actually, this is how relationship deepens. Someone's no isn't a rejection of you. this is a big one for me often we read into noes don't we we hear a no and it might come back in the

most loving and kind way of i'm so sorry i can't talk right now or i'm so sorry i can't be there to help you that day and we've put ourselves out there and that no feels like a statement i'm too much see i'm too much i knew it i knew they couldn't handle me i knew they couldn't be there for me I'm a burden. And we can find ourselves creating stories around that. No, and it can knock our confidence to ask again or to ask someone else. We can put up the walls. We can put the walls up.

It's better if I meet my own needs. It's better if I don't lean on anyone because it can be so hurtful. When people say no or they get it wrong or they say yes and then they don't deliver, we can write stories into those noes. And I think it's just so important because we want to teach our children. this as well, don't we? Because they're watching. If we turn somewhere to support and they say no, it's so hard and it can feel like a rejection. It might just be that that person doesn't want to say no, doesn't want to say yes and not actually be able to do it well or to be able to give you

what they need. Perhaps they don't have capacity. And an authentic yes is far better than a no said to please because those knows often come with resentment now think about you when you say yes out of people pleasing yes i want to do that i want to help you i want to support you knowing that you don't have the capacity knowing that you don't have the time perhaps the emotional energy that that requires and then often that outworking that and outliving that yes can then so often come with resentment you know so we have to think of the cost when we say yes especially if we do don't have the resources. So let your yeses, let your yeses have meaning along with your nose. And as we become more authentic in what we say yes and no to, we start to trust that other

people have to take responsibility for their yeses and knows as well. Because if I just say yes all the time, and I've been so, I've done this for so many years of my life, I've said yes, regardless of the cost, regardless of the cost, then I can, of course, I'm going to feel very suspicious that if somebody says yes to me, then they're going to feel that burden, that weight, that heaviness that may be too much for them. But as I start to become more authentic and confident with my own yeses and notes, I have to start to trust that that responsibility lies in that other person. We can't be responsible for the motive or the truth behind someone's offer. of help only they can. So when someone offers you support, we have to choose to believe that that

is an authentic offer. And we might even say sometimes I actually say to people, oh my goodness, that's so kind of you, everything inside me wants to say no because I find it really hard to accept it. But I'm going to accept it because I need it and I'm grateful. So sometimes just even verbalizing that little, that little tug of war that you'll have. having in your mind can be helpful because actually that can invite some words of confirmation or encouragement from that other person. They may say, oh, but I want to help you. It gives me joy to help you. You have helped me before. It's nice to be able to help you. Now, if you're wondering, Anna, but where do I go? Where do I go for this help that you talk of? I literally do not know where to

turn. I encourage you to think about, has anyone ever offered support? Has anyone ever offered a chat or, you know, some help or to step in practically? They're a good go-to to start off with. Maybe there's a support group or a network or a charity or a friend who has historically been kind and supportive. And it's knowing that when you're asking or when you're accepting that you have to believe that that answer is their authentic truth because that is their responsibility. We have a responsibility for our own yes and knows, but we can't take that for other people. Now, if you feel bad or you fear being a burden, you have that guilt, oh, I just don't want to be a burden, I'm worried that if I offload this or if I share this or if I accept that

it's going to be too much. Now, I encourage you to think about the times that someone has asked for your help and you have authentically said yes. What does it do for your relationship? What does it do for that connection that you have? When they show that vulnerability, they show that need and you can be that person to help them meet it in some way. What does it do? It deepens and enriches that relationship. And I want to remind you also that relationships ebb and flow, don't they? If you've got friendships you know you'll know that sometimes you're the support for them sometimes they're the support for you sometimes you're just helping each other trying to make it through and that is relationships

they ebb and they flow and you might feel more comfortable in the helping position but you need help too and sometimes it is actually giving that friend a gift in allowing them to support you and the great thing is is that we become and i have found this to be my own truth We get more confident in asking as we push through those moments where our heart is racing and our palms are sweating. We become more confident. And also we apply less meaning and feel less rejected with that no as well. And hopefully that guilt will subside in the process. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people

it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mindave and Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book you don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com.

I look forward to speaking with you soon.