The Therapy Edit - On how to avoid temptation

Episode Date: March 4, 2024

In this quick solo episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna takes a look at temptation and how we can support ourselves to steer clear of things we're tempted by, but that we know don't serve us.Useful tips that could help you stay on top of the habits you've committed to in 2024.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. Welcome to a little solo 10-minuteter from me, Anna Martha, I'm going to talk all about how to avoid temptations. Now, I wonder what you have in your mind. as you think of the word temptation. Often it tends to be something that we find ourselves doing, that we know in some way deep down or not so deep down that it is not good for us.

It isn't serving us in some way, perhaps. It's actually even harming us in some way. There is a term in psychology, and it's called cognitive dissonance. And basically it's that feeling where you know in your heart that what you're doing isn't right for you, that it's not helpful. But your behaviour is saying the opposite. So what you're doing is kind of opposite to what you know is right for you.

So that's what I think of and I think about temptation. I think about giving in. It's knowing that I don't want to do this. There's a part of me that knows that doing this thing, whatever it may be, engaging in this thing is not serving me. It's not helping me. It's not growing me. It's actually harming me in some way or holding me back or it's going to lead to that feeling, perhaps of guilt and shame and just feeling like I've let myself down. So what I want to talk about is a little tip, a little tool that came from a light bulb moment that I had. I went into London

yesterday as I record this and I was just, yeah, I was thinking. about temptation. I've been addressing lots of habits recently and it's hard. It's actually really hard. I'm finding it hard. I've cut out certain things really intentionally in my life that I know were not serving me. And one of those things, it's been stopped drinking for six months. I've commit myself to six months and then I'm going to reassess. But I, my husband's doing it as well, actually, and I'm finding it so much harder than he is. He actually doesn't really bother him. He's only doing it because I was doing it. So he's doing it to support me. I definitely recognize that there are certain things I do in my life and they're very much about responding to feelings

when I feel overwhelmed, tired, grumpy, hormonal, sad grief. There are things I want to do because I don't want to feel like that. I want to sidestep. I want to distract myself. I want to numb it and yeah addressing the habit of just turning to a g&T or whatever it was in the evening as a way it was a very much an emotional response for me and i think when we try and address certain habits that we turn towards so often these things are a response to feelings so whatever it is that you have in your mind as you listen to this podcast that thing that that popped up when i spoke about temptation when i spoke about those habits. I want you to think what emotional state are you normally in when you want to grab that

thing? When you want to do that thing, is it anxious? Is it lonely? Is it overwhelmed, stress? What leads you to that thing for you? Because the challenge is when we take that thing away, when we consciously try not to do the thing that we always do when we feel a certain way. We're left with the feelings. And I once read a quote around, so it was about alcohol, but actually, you can apply this to, you can probably apply this to whatever is in your mind. And it was when I, the, the best thing about not drinking is all, I feel all the feelings. I feel all the feelings. I feel all the feelings and the hardest thing about not drinking is that I feel all their feelings and I find this to be so true as I've addressed these things and one of them for me is also scrolling my social

media usage my just mindless phone usage and I deleted social media off my phone over Christmas and I just really found that I wasn't turning to that so what happens when we take these these things away is that we often feel we're left with the feelings and we're not numbing it we're not sidestepping it we're not we're not kind of overshadowing it or distracting ourselves from it we are left with that emotion and that i find really hard i don't like these feelings sometimes they're not comfortable and in a culture that encourages us always to seek comfort that sells sidestepping the algorithms that say hey you don't have to think about that think about this look at this instead so we lose the skill of feeling of riding out waves of uncomfortable pain that we don't like

because it doesn't feel good and but the thing is and i shared this on uh on my instagram page you know when we sweep things under the carpet which is essentially what we're doing when we're choosing to sidestep numb or distract ourselves. We're lifting up the corner of the rug and we're just popping it under because we don't want to look at it, we don't want to feel it, we don't want to see it, but what happens to that rug? What happens to the rug? It gets really lumpy.

It gets really, really lumpy and we trip over it. We walk over it, we trip over it and we fall. And this is what happens when we just constantly put those feelings. those emotions under that rug, they don't go away annoyingly. Wouldn't that be great if they just kind of dissolved when we distracted ourselves? They just dissolved. They don't go away. They just get lumpy. We trip over them later. It comes out sideways. It comes out in rage. It comes out unmet need. It comes out in a relationship. It comes out. It comes out because it doesn't go away. So it's like, you know, if you have a horrible knot in your back, if you ever had one of those

so they like literally burn, you know, you can take a load of paracetamol and then it comes back and you take another paracetamol and it comes back and you just keep going like that. You are putting a plaster on the pain. You're not making the pain go away. You're just numbing the pain. The pain is still there. The issue is still there. And this is what it feels like when we do, we engage in these habits, is given to these temptations

to do these things that just distract and numb and sidestep is that we're just taking a paracetamol. that pain, that cause of that pain is still there. But I want to offer an alternative. So this is what I'd love you to think about. When you feel that temptation arise to engage in that thing that helps you numb, sidestep or distract, I want you to ask yourself, do I want to numb this? Do I want to sweep it under the carpet? Or do I want to soothe this?

To soothe is to address, isn't it? If our kids fall in over, we want to soothe them. We want to be compassionate. know, we want to think, what can I do to help you? What can I do to help you? Not shut you down. I want to help you. I want to soothe you. I want to hold you in your pain. I want to help you sit with this until this discomfort. I will sit with you in this discomfort until it eases. You know, the numbing, it plasters over the cracks. But the soothing, when we choose to soothe ourselves, it gently tends to the pain, the vulnerability, the overwhelm. And you hold yourself through

that wave of feeling. Raising a happier mother, my book, is all about kind of mothering ourselves really. It's about acknowledging that we are vulnerable and messy and we're overwhelmed and often what we need isn't to raise the bar to strive for perfect, try harder, it's to mother ourselves. So how might you soothe yourself? What might that look like when that feeling arises and you want to grab that thing that you know isn't serving you? What might it feel like? What might it look like to soothe yourself. Some things that I engage in are breathing, deep breaths. Tell my body that I'm safe as I feel that feeling. I don't want to feel. As I feel that discomfort, I walk. I try and anchor myself in just the present moment, very simply looking around thinking,

where am I? I might say a little mantra to myself, this feeling will pass like a contract, the labour contraction, it will pass, it will peak and it will subside. And the more confident I get, because the more I do this and allow that wave to pass, the more I will trust those words as I say them to myself. Another thing that I love doing, which is I think are like a really healthy form is, you know, just ranting to a friend, sharing that thought, feeling so that it can be validated. But I want to say to you, as you ask yourself, do I want to, do I want to numb or do I want to soothe? Do I want to hold myself through this wave so that I can grow in confidence that this two shall pass? I want to say sometimes it's okay to distract yourself.

Sometimes it is okay to seek that sidestepping because sometimes emotions in all of their entirety as they come thick and fast if you're going through a hard time. We've been through trauma. Sometimes it is too much. Sometimes it is healthy and fine to desire and give yourself that respite. that breath to lift the load because it's all just too much. If you find that it's hard or if you find that actually sometimes allowing yourself to feel the feeling is too much because those feelings are too painful, I encourage you to go to my website. There's a helpful contact section there to help you find somewhere someone to speak to,

to help you when letting feelings be feels too scary because they feel too threatening. And maybe you need to be guided towards that sense of safety with a third. therapist or a trusted friend before you could go there. So ask yourself, do I want to numb this? Do I want to distract this? Do I want to sidestep this? So we put under the rug? Maybe sometimes the answer is yes. Maybe sometimes you want to zone out to Netflix. Maybe sometimes you just want to give yourself a break from feeding this stuff. And I say not all of the time, but more of the time. I encourage you to think of a way to soothe. Think of a way. to Sue.

Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses on everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website, anamatha.com. And also, don't forget my brand new book, Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.