The Therapy Edit - On how to be more consistent

Episode Date: June 20, 2022

In this episode Anna considers how we judge ourselves against our ability to consistently achieve what we consider to be the best way to live. Be it parenting decisions, habits and routines or practices that we think will make our lives better.Anna chats about when we should aspire to be consistent and when we should let it go and offers 5 tips for achieving consistency when it actually matters.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello, welcome to today's solo episode of The Therapy Edit today. I am going to answer a question that I got when I did a little shout out on my Instagram and a request for podcast topic. So, So this one was, how on earth can I stay consistent in doing things that I know are good for me? So it might be that you've got a habit that you wanted to implement or challenge. It might be that you've got a goal you want to meet. And, you know, we have our eyes on this prize, don't we?

We have our eyes on this goal or this aim. But it's so often we find ourselves having challenge in implementing the steps that it would take to get us there. when we're actually faced with those day-to-day choices, how do we find consistency? Now, I think I'm going to give you five tips here, and they're all from my own experience. Just five little things that have really helped me. Not, may I say, that I am the queen of consistency.

I am not. I have to try really hard, and I don't. I absolutely do not win at all of these things. Absolutely. I had one recently, and it was, that I really wanted to read more nonfiction books. So my challenge was to kind of read a chapter a day. And I have not, I was going to say, I have failed.

I have failed at doing that. It has not, it has not carried on for me at the moment. And it's something that I will pick up again. And I can definitely use these tips. But I think sometimes it's that actually that goal, is it really important to you? Is it really something that you want for yourself? Are you actually really that bothered?

Are you really invested in it? Anyway, I don't want to keep giving you my five thoughts before I've even started counting. So if you have got something that you are working towards, have you got something in mind at the moment? And it might just be, it might be one of those kind of need meeting things. It might be that actually I really want to be more hydrated. I've got more water here because this is one that I have succeeded at. This is one, and this is what happens when we address habits and we try and change things, that when we find a way to do it and it's important enough to us, it just can become integrated

into our lives that can become an enormous. I am rarely seen without my water bottle because I remember at one point I was just getting regular headaches and I happen to be, I have this light bulb moment that I think I drink about two glasses of water a day and that is probably a contributing factor. So I decided that that was going to be a goal for me. But for you, it might be, you know, addressing the way that you're parenting. That's one of ours at the moment. How can I be consistent in challenging the way that I'm parenting, learning more? How can I be consistent in growth in that area and be a bit more consistent in how I respond to my children? You know, so whatever that might be for you, whether it's a need meeting one, whether it's a goal, it might

be a training it might be that there's something you've always wanted to do you know hold that in mind as you listen so number one now this is so important and it it is to to approach change to approach consistency as not all of the time but more of the time now this is so important because if you're anything like me and you you pledge to change or challenge something thing. As soon as it falls by the wayside, as I said, my book reading has fallen by the wayside. You know, I just feel like failure. I feel like a failure. You know, I used to find journal writing really hard because I'd buy those ones that were dated. And then if there was a missed page, I might as well never do it again. Forget it. Forget it. I can't, I can't keep it up.

It's this all or nothing mentality. It's this sense that growth, change, consistency is this kind of really solid, straight, upward, moving line on a graph. And, you know, we have to, if we want to change and challenge something, we have to really, it's kind to take into account our humanness, to take into account forgetfulness for me as well, to take into account the ever changing resources that one day you will just not have the energy. One day you might be ill. One day, there's one of life's many carefuls coming in your direction. And that, for whatever reason, hasn't happened. It's dropped off your radar. It couldn't happen. So instead of if you're like me going in with that all or nothing thinking, that black and white thinking, I really encourage you to adopt

this little phrase that I had to invent for myself. I needed something. I love a little mantra is not all of the time, but more of the time. Aim for more of the time. Don't set the bar at all of the time. Otherwise, you might fall at the hurdle really early on and just forget it. Okay, so not all of the time, but more of the time. Number two, address the barriers. If you're already struggling to implement change, what are the barriers for you? You know, are you actually self-sabotaging? Is there a part of you that doesn't feel deserving of what might be there for you when you've implemented this or challenged or changed this? That actually it might mean better health, better mental well-being, do you believe that you are deserving of those things?

Is it low confidence? Is it low self-esteem perhaps that is that barrier to you for reaching and seeking that? Because there's a part of you that is warring with the fact that you will then have to receive and accept the benefit that is at the end of it. You know, is it that actually, when you think about it, like me and my non-fiction reading at this point in my life, like this moment in time, this little snapshot in my life, that actually there are more important things for me to do. And I love podcasts. I love learning and listening in other ways. Perhaps just reading a few pages of a book, at this moment isn't a priority. Maybe it was a priority to me when I set that goal. You know, is it a priority to you? What is the cost? Have you engaged with the cost?

Is there a cost of not doing it? You know, for me and my water drinking, it seems like such a small example, but I know it will resonate so many that are just kind of repeatedly overlooking that really basic need. The water drinking was at a cost to me. There was a cost to me not doing it. I was getting headaches. I was feeling really tired and really drained. I could feel kind of literally my nervous, your nervous system gets stressed. I said this before. When you're depleted in any way, you know, your nervous system, your system is is not running optimally, if that's a word. So have you engaged with the cost of not doing this? Do you know what that is?

Because sometimes knowing that cost can be a real motivator for change. If I am going to drink this water because I do not want to trudge through my days with kind of a low-level headache so that I recognize the cost and that was a motivator. So address the barriers, at least identify the barriers so that you know what they are. Number three is be accountable. And I think there's so much power, isn't there? And when we speak these things out, when we find other people perhaps that want to address that with us,

you know, how can you be accountable? How can you allow someone else to lovingly hold you to account? It might be that they, you know, they pull you up on it really gently and we're like, oh, I thought, how are you getting on with this? How are you getting on with that? How's that training coming along? How's your most recent piece of piece of work that you've been doing? How are you finding it?

you're managing to find the time, you're managing to prioritize it. You know, it might be that you tell a friend that I've got a goal. This is my goal. I want to, often when I'm writing, I might say to my husband, right, today I'm going to write 2,000 words. And I've spoken it out loud. There's something really valuable in verbalizing and externalizing these goals because then we rehear them.

So it's reaffirming for us, but we're also giving someone else permission then to ask us about it. So are you holding, are you, are you being accountable to someone? Are you allowing someone else to kindly hold you accountable to that? And maybe you find yourself sharing a little bit more of your journey and your drive around that. Maybe you share a bit more of the cost and the importance that you meet these little goals, not all of the time, but more of the time. Now, number four is having your eyes on the bigger picture. You know, allowing yourself to dream and engage age in what will it be like when that change or that that thing that you're trying to be a bit more consistent in is is benefiting you you know what are you looking for so i'm trying to find

ways to equip me at the moment my husband and i are listening to um some of dr becky if you haven't found her on instagram i highly encourage you to she's got a lot of information on deeply feeling kids and i've got a deeply feeling kid who feels everything very big and what he needs most of all is me to be calm in those moments so that I can anchor him in his storm. Now, I find that incredibly challenging. So I am finding tools so that I can stay grounded and present with him. Now, you know, I know that actually my eyes on the bigger picture is that as I can start being calm for him, he can in time learn ways to calm himself so he can internalize what I am trying to be for him. So sometimes I need my eyes on the bigger picture as I am grappling with

the stress in those moments and I am using every little bit of me to stay calm. You know, I need to think ahead, zoom ahead, zoom out onto the bigger picture of there will be time when this starts to become beneficial and I start seeing the benefits of this. So eyes on the bigger picture, what's the benefit? What are you hoping and dreaming for at the end of when this has become more implemented, not all of the time, but more of the time? And my final thing for number five, break it down. Is it too big? Is that goal too big that you set for yourself? Is that, is that desire? Do you know, do you need to break it down just a little bit to make it a little bit more implementable? So it might be that, you know, I want to transform my parenting and I want

to do it now. I want to do it now because the cost is big and I want to do it now. But actually, if I set myself the goal to watch five workshops and listen to 10 podcasts, you know, am I just going to feel like I failed? Is that information overload? Like, what if I just set myself the goal of one learning a week, one resource a week, one half an hour podcast, one little, you know, one few pages of a book, one little chapter of an audio book so that I can break it down to make it, I'm going to be far more likely to stick to it, aren't I? So there we go, five little things to support you in being consistent. But I think if you've got something ringing in your ears as you stop listening to this, it is that it's not all of the time, but more of the time

has some margin for human error and the ever-changing resources that we have in there. Be gentle and compassionate to yourself as you make these changes. I can't speak to you soon. Bye. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. it really makes a massive difference as to how many people this podcast can help. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my books called My Dave and Mother and Know Your Worth

and my brand new book called The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book. You don't read it from front to back. You just dip in according to what emotion you're feeling, where you'll find a mantra, a short passage, and a tip to help give you some comfort and guidance in that emotion. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mine Way.

This is a platform packed with guides, resources and videos with the sole focus on supporting mother's mental health and emotional well-being. Have a good week.