The Therapy Edit - On how to deal with parenting mistakes and failings

Episode Date: July 4, 2022

In this episode Anna offers listeners 5 practical tips to manage guilt associated with mistakes they feel they have made as a parent.Parenting is a tough gig and we all make mistakes on a daily basis, big and small, but each new day is an opportunity to be the parent that your child needs you to be so carrying guilt over situations you have no ability to erase from history is counter productive. Use Anna's tools to resume your sense of confidence and sense of safety for your children.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. I hope you're okay. I often imagine that you might be walking your dog or perhaps pushing the buggy on a nursery, nursery drop off or just in the car. Isn't it funny how those moments in the car that we get to spend on our own just feel such a luxury when we've got kids, you know, I think, oh my goodness, I can listen to what I want to listen to for a change. So I'm imagining that you're in all these different scenarios, maybe out for a walk or, yeah, I just, I like to think, I like to imagine what you're doing as I'm speaking to you. And so today the topic, I'm going to talk about five ways to forgive your parenting mistakes. I'm going to talk about this because this was a question that came to me, you know, Anna, how can I forgive and move on from my parenting mistakes? And I think this is so important, isn't it?

Because often we do things wrong, we fail, we do, we're human, we mess up. And sometimes the collateral damage of that is really big. You know, I can think back to some really messy parenting moments that sometimes I still think about now and that kind of that guilt rises up and that shame rises up. And I know I talk a lot about guilt so you can find lots of other episodes around guilt but I'm going to talk very specifically about these parenting mistakes that we make and five ways to deal with them. I think guilt is one of those things that should never ever go unaddressed. So if you're feeling guilty, don't just brush it under the carpet. Don't just shame yourself because this is what happens, isn't it? When we feel that guilt, we start

being mean to ourselves. We start feeling like we have to make it up to the world to kind of overcompensate. And sometimes we do that too much, don't we? We kind of punish ourselves too much. It's like, you know, someone stole a suite from a sweet shop and then got put in prison for a year. Now that punishment does not fit that crime. And sometimes it's like this with parenting mistakes. we make one mistake because we're human. We're human mothers with human children and this is just the way of humanness. We're all just kind of trying to make it through, trying to do the best that we can with limited resources. And we all have different resources every day, every moment that we approach that moment,

we have something different in the tank. We're not going to be able to respond in the same way right now to maybe how we might have done yesterday after a full night's sleep. Today, I speak to you. I've been up basically since 3.15. Oh, my gosh. I could do with another coffee. I know that my resources today are low.

And I think it's really important to acknowledge that, you know, every moment, every little challenging time, every confrontation, every tantrum, every parenting, you know, bump in the road, you are a different you that approaches it. So to hold yourself to yesterday's standards or, you know, the you of two hours ago can sometimes be a really unfair thing to do. So acknowledge where your resources are at. So five ways to forgive your parenting mistakes. Number one, acknowledge them to yourself and others. Now, this is where, you know, shame can really keep us up because when we have those moments that happen perhaps behind closed doors and it went wrong, we did something

we are not proud of. We responded in a way that is so out of line with how. we would ideally want to respond to all of the information that perhaps and the resources that we have taught ourselves up with, we did not use them. We did not use them this morning. I was standing doing the breakfast and I have an Apple Watch and it likes to remind me to take a mindful moment. I was like, I don't want a mindful moment. I want a coffee. So find some compassion to yourself. When we feel that shame, it makes it so hard to talk to people. It makes it so hard to acknowledge. And when we acknowledge and can take responsibility for what happened in that moment, we're far more likely to be able to address it. We're far more likely to be able

to find tools. We're far more likely to be able to address that guilt so that it just doesn't sit inside us needing that kind of that punishment that often we go a bit overboard on. So acknowledge them to yourself and others. Number two, talk about these moments with your children in a way that is age appropriate. Now, for me, I will talk about kind of big feelings and mummy's big feelings. I might talk about the fact that they have big feelings sometimes and it's mummy's job to try and support them and it's not, you know, it's not their fault.

And I might say, oh, I should have, it's not your fault, mummy. And I might label a reason why my resources are low. So I might say, oh, my goodness, mummy, I did not sleep well last night. I did not get much sleep. So I'm feeling really grumpy today. and I'm really sorry, it all just came out, all my big feelings came out, and I should have just taken a deep breath. So in that, I'm acknowledging where my resources were low, so that they are learning, you know, they're watching and learning, they're learning that, oh, when I'm tired,

I feel grumpy sometimes. You know, sometimes I have big feelings that come out. And sometimes it's not someone else's fault, really. It's not really my brother's fault for taking the toy. It's that I just was tired and grumpy and those feelings came out. And it's taking it's taking, that sense of responsibility away from them as well. And I'm giving them language for their, language for their words and their emotions. And this is, you know, those important moments of kind of bringing clarity and resolution to resume that feeling of safety that might have been lost in that meltdown moment where you join them in their meltdown or whatever happened. You know, it's about resuming that sense of grounding and safety for them. Because when I have lost,

you know, when I've lost my call, I am not safe to them. They look to me to feel safe. So how can I resume that sense of safety, restore that sense of safety by reminding them that they're not responsible? Grownuts have big feelings too. We all have big feelings. What else might I ideally have done to deal with that big feeling? So talking about that moment, a mistake with your children in a really age appropriate way, reminds them that everyone makes mistakes, everyone gets it wrong. and we can talk about it and we can we can work with that moment you know the next one is finding some compassion for yourself this is number three you are always deserving of compassion so in that mistake in that mess how can you find some compassion for yourself this is

incredibly important but when you reflect back on that moment that parenting fail that moment that mess that mistake how can you find some compassion for yourself this is really important were your resources low, was the pressure on, were you stress, were you tired, were you sad? You know, were you scrambling around for what to do? Were you just pushed to your limit where you had nothing left? Think about what would you say to a friend in that position? How would you support a friend? Find some words of compassion that acknowledge that underneath it all, things get too much.

You are just trying to, you are trying to do the best. And we can't always do the best. and it's hard, but it is true. It is a fact of being human. Now, the next thing number four is consider what needs and feelings have been overlooked within that. You know, in that meltdown, in that moment, in that mistake, in that failing, what was being overlooked, what resource is low, you know, what feeling, perhaps a feeling of overwhelm, that you haven't verbalized with a friend or a partner that you haven't had validated or you haven't even maybe you haven't validated it for yourself maybe you've criticised your own needs and feelings maybe you've

brushed them away maybe you've battered them off with that kind of that positivity stick of be grateful be grateful yes be grateful but also acknowledge and validate some of the feelings the fact that it's hard because it is you know I think often we just devalue those feelings don't we we tell ourselves to buck up to keep You can't carry on to be grateful. Yes, be grateful. But also validate the feelings that come with the hard situations that we find ourselves in. Let's face it, in other situations, we might well walk away. If this was at work, we might well walk away and so I'm going for a break. I'm leaving this job, but you can't. We can't. We can't. We can't. We can't do that. So find some compassion

for yourself. Consider what needs and feelings might have been overlooked. And the last and final thing is as you move on from that moment, that mistake or as you reflect on one, how can you equip yourself? What resource can you seek? Is there a parenting tool? Is there a, you know, I love, I always talk about Dr. Becky Goodinside because I love her resources and they're often the ones that I seek. You know, is there a tool that you can seek? Give yourself something so that next time you can grab hold of that and you can think, yes, this might help me. So those are five ways to forgive your parenting mistakes. And I think forgiving is an active thing, isn't it? Often we're just, we're so hardwired sometimes or we're in the habit of punishing

ourselves and criticizing ourselves. But how can you change that by bringing in that compassion and saying yes, that happened. And I'm doing something to help myself. You know, it is not beneficial for us to keep beating ourselves up because we stay stuck. So compassion and equipping ourselves the way forward in our mistakes. and acknowledging that we will make them. We will make more. We will make more. We will because we're human.

But it's how we repair them that really matters as well and how we equip ourselves and we start to see patterns. So hope that is helpful. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of the Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. It really makes a massive difference as to how many people this podcast can help. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my books called My Dave and Mother and Know Your Worth.

And my brand new book called The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book. You don't read it from front to back. You just dip in according to what emotion you're feeling, where you'll find a mantra, a short passage, and a tip to help give you some comfort and guidance in that emotion. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mine Way. This is a platform packed with guides, resources and videos with the sole focus on supporting mothers' mental health and emotional well-being.

Have a good week.