The Therapy Edit - On how to deal with resentment

Episode Date: February 6, 2023

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit Anna, in response to multiple requests from followers. talks about the toxic emotion that is resentment. She reads a short passage from The Little Book of Calm for New Mums on the topic. You can find more grounding words and mantras in this book, Anna's third, here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Little-Book-Calm-New-Mums/dp/0241559812

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. So welcome to a solo episode of The Therapy Edit. This one is on a topic that has been really highly requested. It's about resentment and how we deal with and navigate resentment. I think resentment is, is something that can just simmer, canter underneath. Within relationships, there can just be this tone of resentment. And I want to delve into that a little bit and give you some tips on how to address that feeling of resentment that can so often just come out sideways, can't it, we might feel irritated, we might feel, you know, that kind of that passive, aggressive

behavior might pop out. And it just affects stuff. doesn't it? It just affects how perhaps we relate to that person or that situation. And I'm going to take the words from my book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, which is actually really relevant as you'll find out for all mums, new and not so new. I'll tell you what, I still feel like a new mum a lot of the time, even though I've been a mum now for over eight years, because I'm just always encountering different and new situations where I'm scrabbling around. trying to think, how do I navigate this one? This one, I haven't come up against this or I came up against it with one child and it's just sitting differently this time or that's not working.

So as I read these words from my book, I just hope they meet you where you're at in some way. So this section is the resentful emotion because the way this book works is there's a whole list of emotions and feelings and you just pick the one that feels relevant and you skip to that page. So this is the page that you skip to when you feel resentful. And I start off with a little mantra, let's say, just because your needs aren't understood, it doesn't mean they aren't valid. That's so powerful. Just because your needs un-understood by someone else. It doesn't mean that they are not valid because it can feel so invalidating, can't it?

And we have needs or we have emotions, we have experiences that perhaps are not understood by the people that we most need to feel seen and understood by. So just because your needs, your experiences, your feelings might not be validated by that person it does not mean that they are invalid. So moving from that, I've written, I'm so glad you're here. Honestly, I'm pleased that you've opened this page to explore resentfulness, not because it's a bad feeling, but because it's one that can get tricky when it's ignored.

Oh my goodness, isn't that true? When that resentment is there, resentment is one of those feelings that doesn't just kind of dissipate. It doesn't just evaporate. When we don't address resentment, it can actually further drive and widen that wedge between us. I know that acknowledging resentful feelings can feel uncomfortable.

If me, you've lived most of your life under the narrative that to be a good person is to always respond to people kindly, and patiently, then you might find it tricky to deal with those feelings of resentment. We might feel that actually, you know what, to be a good person, partner friend, I've just got to let that go. I've just got to let it go. Maybe that's what you've always opted for. But we know that it just builds up as we sweep under the rug, doesn't it? And we end up tripping over it. It builds up. It gets lumpy. Our rug gets lumpy. We have a, we have a

The fact of the matter is that relationships are challenging. Needs get overlooked. Things don't feel equal. Dynamics can be destructive. They can be unhelpful and unfair at times. The load at home isn't always equally spread. The cost may be unseen and feelings misunderstood. Here is my four-step approach to dealing with those feelings of resentment. Number one, why? Can you pinpoint why you feel resentful and who you feel resentful towards? Literally just name it to yourself in a sentence. I feel resentful towards my partner because they keep leaving the washing up on top of the dishwasher instead of actually putting it inside.

Let's go with that example. This feeling might have arisen due to lots of different situations or actions or it might even be a general attitude over time. Resentfulness tends to involve a sense of injustice or wrongdoing, enmeshed with feelings of humiliation, envy, being misunderstood or overlooked. Isn't that so true? Resentfulness tends to involve a sense of injustice. Someone hasn't honoured you or they've done wrong by you.

It's often enmeshed with feelings of human beings. envy, being misunderstood or overlooked. Perhaps my why is that I'm resentful that my husband doesn't understand how much my life has changed when his seems to continue as normal. Yet nothing for me is the same, neither physically, mentally or socially. So there's another example of the why there. What might your why be? If you're feeling resentment in any area of your life towards anyone at the moment, What is your why? Name it to yourself. Number two, which. Which needs and feelings do you think have gone overlooked or unheard? Which behaviours have triggered this feeling of resentment for you? Label them. My witch might be that I feel I'm alone in the bone tiredness. Oh my gosh, this is so topical.

I literally was up for three hours last night between the hours of one and four with my daughter really uncharacteristically. She normally sleeps. She normally sleeps well. So, yeah, topical. It has depleted me of energy and I feel jealous that my husband is just heading out for social drinks after work as I can barely scrape my own dinner together. He will probably wake me when he gets home, making me more tired. So it's jealousy, feeling alone and that my need for sleep isn't being considered. Number three, what?

Now ask yourself, what is it that you need? What would be your best case scenario? what would be fair in this situation? You might think my what is that I need rest. I need to feel heard and understood and I'd like it to be acknowledged that the cost of parenting is different for me than it is for him.

However, it would be fair to ask that he sleeps downstairs so as not to disrupt my sleep when he gets home late and to ask him if he can take the baby on the weekend morning so that I can catch up or go for a walk with a friend between feeds to feel sociable. Now that's a new mum example right there, but I'm pretty sure you'll be able to have a little think about what it is that you need and how might you find a way to get that need met,

even if it's a little bit later and even if it's in a small way. Number four, how can you verbalise this or ask for these things? How might you talk this through in a constructive way, perhaps agree to talk at a time when these feelings, don't feel particularly triggered, not at a moment when the feeling of resentment is high. Because you know what it's like when that feeling is triggered and that resentment is raging. It's really hard to have a conversation that isn't just purely loaded with frustration. This will enable you to discuss it more calmly and you'll be more likely to find a resolution together.

It can feel risky to do this because when you put your feelings and needs out there, they may not be understood or acknowledged in the way that you were hoping. We've all had these moments, haven't we? Well, we've said it and we just didn't get the response we hoped for or needed. Remember that just because your needs aren't understood, it doesn't mean they aren't valid. Just because the feeling can't be helped, it doesn't mean it's not worth verbalising. So those are the four steps to take when you're feeling that sense of resentment. Now finally I always write a tip at the end of every section and this one is

prioritize investing in the relationships in your life to build a small network of people two or three or more who you can turn to who are affirming, kind and supportive. They may not always be able to help or fix things but they can validate and support you. So four steps to think through next time you feel that sense of resentment. They really do help me and I hope they help you too. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach.

You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Oath and Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book. You don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com.

I look forward to speaking with you soon.