The Therapy Edit - On how to feel calmer

Episode Date: January 10, 2022

How can we be more accepting of what we can't control, and take more responsibility for what we can? I often say 'it is what it is', yet a conversation with my Mum gave me a totally different view on the phrase!

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Welcome to this week's episode of The Therapy Edit. I'm just going to take a moment to reflect on something I say quite a lot. Do you ever find yourself saying, oh, it is what it is? It is what it is. well I say that quite a lot and the other day I was talking to my mum on the phone and she said oh you know when people say it is what it is sometimes that's really sad and I was like what

I use that I use that turn of phrase all the time and I see it as a really good thing and I realized that we were both using this same phrase in a very different way and both interpreting it in a different way. So I wanted to reflect on that today and think about the times when we say, well, it is what it is and how that might be a really good, really wonderful thing to lean into. And also how actually sometimes maybe we need to be thinking, you know what? Maybe it doesn't and shouldn't be this way. So the way I tend to use is what it is, is in those moments of, for example, example, when I'm in traffic and I'm late and I'm stressed. And I know that every turn of the lights, every time that I don't get through, I'm just that little bit later and it's stressful

and I can feel the tension in my body and I can feel like I'm getting wound up and I start huffing and puffing and just, yeah, being frustrated. You know that feeling. And then I might say to myself, oh well, it is what it is. I remember when we were at the airport. We were at the airport once and the five of us were going on holiday pre-pandemic times, of course. And I remember saying to my husband as we left the house, there's the last bag just inside the door. And that was the bag that had the passports. It had all of the stuff we needed for the flight, all of the paperwork. So that was my, uh, the last thing I said before we left. And then we got to the airport and we went to part the car and we took the bags out and the bag wasn't there. And it

wasn't there. And of course, frantic chat, frantic feelings, frantic. Oh my goodness, how on earth we going to get this bag in time for this flight. And I just remember feeling in all that stress and saying to myself, it is what it is. What will be will be. And there was stuff there within our control, the logistics that followed. We ended up calling around our neighbours, knowing that someone had a spare key and then they could go and get the bag and they so generously drove it down to us. But in that moment of stress of acknowledging what we could control and acknowledging or actually we couldn't control the traffic of that person that was driving quickly to get to get the passports to us. We couldn't control that. We couldn't control

whether people would pick the phone up or not. But we could control our attitude and we could control how much we let that stress dictate that time. So we managed to get the passports. We managed to get on holiday. That was the last time for a while. But it was just in that moment, where you can either lean into the stress and that we could have argued and we could have nitpicked and we could have gotten really crossed with each other. And I think it was just that moment of thinking, it is what it is. What has happened has happened. There is no point holding onto and harboring anger and frustration and irritation.

We can only do what we can do and everything else is out of our control. So there are times where that sentence that it is what it is, just allow me to focus on what I can control and let go of what I can't. So when I was talking to my mum, having found this little turn of phrase so useful in calming my own stress, I was interested to see how my mum understands this little turn of phrase. And she said, it is so sad. She's a fellow therapist, by the way. She used to be a physio, but then we trained at the same time at different universities.

universities and colleges, but she's also a therapist. And she said it's just so sad when people are struggling, when people are dealing with addiction or they're dealing with kind of really destructive habits or elements of their personality that they've just become so accustomed to that might be damaging in some way. And then their attitude is, well, it is what it is. I am who I am. I can't change. This is how I am. I've just got to be used to it. And, And it's that acknowledgement that actually, you know, sometimes we're resigning ourselves to things that there is so much more for us than that. I've spoken a bit about my driving anxiety before and for 10 years, essentially, I did everything I could to get out of driving. I didn't drive for 10

years because I had this intense driving anxiety and I would get intrusive thoughts and I really feared, feared being behind the wheel. I really feared being on the motorway. It was a stuff of my nightmares. And I had this attitude, I guess, if, well, it is what it is, I've just got to find a way to work around it and live with it. I'll ride buses, I'll push buggies, up hills, it is what it is. But actually, it didn't have to be that way. It didn't have to be how it was. And sometimes leaning into those things that are troubling us or they're not serving us and just feeling resigned to them, it means then we're not putting energy into essentially doing something about it so that it doesn't have to be how it is. And this is why I love being a therapist, because you often sit

with people in those moments where they're saying, you know what, it's been how it has been. It has been what it has been. But actually, I want more for myself than this. There must be another way. So for my mum's, that's what she was referring to. The sadness in those moments of resignation to those things that aren't serving us and wanting more for people than for them to live the rest of their life kind of working around or living within the consequences of these things. And I completely understand where she's coming from because my whole work, all of my work with the mothermind way and the courses and the things that I do is wanting to say to people, anxiety, depression, comparison, guilt, shame, phobia, addiction, they may well be incredibly common.

but it doesn't need to be your normal. It doesn't need to be a case of, oh, well, it is what it is. This is my cross to carry. This is my burden to bear. So then, in what areas of life and in what moments might that little turn of phrase, oh, it is what it is, help you drop your shoulders, help you recognize what is within your control and what is out of your control and just let go of some of that stress in that moment.

It might be when you're in the car. It might be when the kids are kicking off. When you feel the tension rise where you're resisting that moment and perhaps trying to control things that essentially you can't. So what moments might, it is what it is, be helpful. And also in what areas of your life, in areas of your mental health perhaps or your well-being, have you just resigned yourself to that sense of oh it is what it is this is how i am this is how it is for me

when actually potentially that that little phrase is stopping you from hoping from accessing from seeking what might be beyond that perhaps what freedom what relief what support might be beyond there for you so it is what it is or is it i guess it depends depends how you apply that little phrase. I find it so helpful personally, but I was also really interested to hear my mum's interpretation of it. As ever, I hope you find that really helpful. And of course, if there is an area of anxiety or health anxiety or phobia,

then I've covered so many of these different things in the resources. On my website, anamatha.com and at the mothermind way, which is a hub full of resources for for mums of children under eight just to focus on you and to encourage you to seek beyond the it is what it is when actually it might not need to be take care thank you for listening to today's episode of the therapy edit if you enjoyed it please do share subscribe and review you can find more from me on instagram at anamatha you might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother and Know You're Where. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mother's mental and emotional well-being.

It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.