The Therapy Edit - On how to feel less busy

Episode Date: September 18, 2023

In this solo episode Anna takes a moment to ponder some practical actions that Mums can take to help them feel less busy. There are some really useful ideas in this podcast that Anna uses on a daily basis to help identify what elements of her busy life she can control and reduce. We hope you find it helpful.There are plenty more thoughts and examples on this topic in Anna's fourth book, Raising a Happier Mother which is now available to buy here.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. I hope that you are okay today as you tune into this podcast. I, if I'm totally honest, I have been through a real patch of parental burnout work. and life have been busy, but parenting has been extra, extra challenging recently. So I've just felt really burnt out. And I've spoken about experiences of burnout before now.

How I'm feeling at the minute is more just frazzled, very reactive, things that are normally annoying, just feel almost intolerable, decisions feel harder to make. I, instead of sitting down to a day of work, just excited because I flipping love my work. I just feel like I want to shut my laptop and just go and snuggle on the sofa. However, I spent three days this week up in London and two of those I was in Penguins offices in a tiny little studio and like a little try and think of like what exactly. How would I describe this to you? You might have seen a picture of it on my Instagram in this little room.

It's like a cabin and it's got two tiny rooms in it. So you have the audio room where I go and it's got like. padded. It was padded with all of these funny, foamy squares. And I just had this real compulsion just to like squish them and pull them off. But I was very good. I didn't do that. And then next to me was the producer who would sit there with her iPad with my book on it and making sure that I said everything that needed to be said in exactly the right way. I realized I cannot say, oh gosh, here we go, digitally, quickly, digitally. I had to say that about 15 times. But overall, all, I was reading through raising a happier mother and I felt really, really excited to have

this book out. I think it reminded me of going and trying on my wedding dress after it had the, I'd had the fitting. You know, when you go and try an outfit on and it's been changed in some way and you put it on and you think, oh my gosh, I'm not committed to this dress now. It's cost money. It's been changed for me. If I don't like it, I'm scorn. I'm scared. I'm screwed, really. So I felt a bit like that, recording the audio book where I was going to read over the space of about, I don't know, 12 hours. I sat there reading through the book and I thought, I flipping hope I like it. It's too late. It's too late. If I don't, it was like that final fitting of a dress. But actually, as I read it, oh my goodness, I was so excited for you to

have it. And I kept thinking, I want to do a podcast about this bit. I want to do a podcast about this bit. But what I've chosen to talk to you about today is busyness. This bit of the book jumped out to me. And it's all about busyness, but recognizing that some of the busyness is circumstantial and some of it is created. And the circumstantial busyness, there is often little we can do about that, apart from just choose to ride it out, knuckle down, and get through it, these circumstantial busy times in our life. And then we also have this creative busyness. So I want to go through these two things with you. And I would love you just to reflect on your own busyness as we touch on these two kinds of busyness. So we've got the circumstantial

busyness. Now the big example of this was the pandemic where the added piled on a lot, a lot of pressure in many ways, a lot more emotion in many ways, yet there was nothing we could actually do to change the circumstances of our wider world. We could adhere to rules and we could do all of that and wash our hands, but ultimately we could not control what was going on. So it might be that you're listening to this and you're reflecting on the busyness in your life, the stress perhaps that is purely circumstantial. For me, that is the challenges that we're going through with my middle child at the moment towards the end of term

when everything just feels a bit too much for him and therefore is a lot to manage for us. Now, I can't change that circumstance right now. We can change the pandemic. It might be that you are caring for a parent and that's just the way it is right now in this season of life and that is hard and it's adding a lot and you wouldn't have it any other way, in a way, perhaps,

but that's the circumstances, something you're just having to move through at the moment. Circumstantial busyness might be a particularly tricky or pinch point time in your work and the juggle. It just feels intense and you've just got to wait it out. There's not really anything that you can do to hurry it along. So what might that circumstantial stress, that circumstantial busyness be for you?

And then we've got the created busyness. We've got the created stress. And we can't do anything about the circumstances. Sometimes it is so helpful and really important to think about what is that busyness, that strength, perhaps, that pressure that is created. What standards are you placing upon yourself that perhaps adjust a bit too much? Maybe you're expecting from yourself what you're normally able to do. Maybe it's routine. Maybe it's the standard of work. Maybe it's the standard of parenting. Maybe you're just applying the same pressure at a difficult circumstance. Maybe it's people pleasing. Perhaps that created stress, as hard as it is to unpick, I've got, I've got No Your Worth, which really goes into that, but also raising a happier mother really, really, really,

really deles into this as well, because it can just be one of those things that adds so much more in motherhood, doesn't it? It adds fear, worry about what other people think, worrying about letting people down, using more resources than you have to spend on other people. And actually, you really need those right now. So what created busyness is going on in your life at the moment that perhaps you could ease your foot off the pedal? Perhaps you could ease your foot off the pedal. Perhaps you could cut some corners. Perhaps you could say no to some things that in normal life, when things are okay and bubbling along, it's okay for you to do. But for now, actually, you need to give yourself some slack. So I in the book have got a few examples. And one of those is which one shall

I go for? I've got one about a kids party. I've got one about working long hours to pay for childcare. I've got one circumstance also about someone whose friend is going through a breakup and they want to support her. Let's go for the kids party because it's my son's birthday on Monday. So this feels very topical for me. Circumstantial busyness. It's my kid's birthday. And I'm going to organize a party. Okay. So that's a circumstance. It's your child's birthday. And they're expecting a party, hoping for a party. So you're going to organize something. That feels like a non-negotiable for you at the moment. Then let's have a little think of the created busyness that can be around that.

I'm trying to think back to some of the birthdays that we've had, that pressure to invite the whole class, that pressure to spend money, that pressure to make a cake from scratch, that pressure to do elaborate party bags, perhaps you feel a pressure to keep up with the kind of parties that other people are throwing, to invite all the children that have invited your child to their party. Lots of created busyness here, all of the extras that get piled on, the shoulds. Oh, I should do this. I should do it like that. I should get party bags like this. I should invite the whole class. Look to see where those shoulds are. Where is that created busyness? And then once you've identified that, how might you remove some of the weight? Remove some of that

heaviness, remove some of that stress and busyness. And I know this is challenging because when we set to do this, often what we're doing is coming up against our people pleasing, coming up against those narratives that we feel we should do these things because this is what other people have done. And it can feel quite tricky to challenge those. It can feel quite opposing to how we feel we should do things and maybe how we've always done things and how people have done those things around us. But actually when you've got stuff going on and life is full and fast and perhaps you know that you're teetering on the edge of burnout, you know that you're finding it hard to slow down and get a little bit more of what you need. Some of this stuff, we just need

to let go off. We need to challenge ourselves to loosen our grip a little bit to change the narrative, to challenge that narrative, to do things differently. Maybe you really have to give yourself permission and that can feel hard. But really sometimes what we're doing is we're saying to our inner child, you don't have to try so hard. You don't have to try so hard all the time. You're tired. Let's see what we can take off you.

So remove some of the weight. So with this kid's party, how might we? remove some of the weight. Things that I do that help take the weight out of this. Buy a ready made cake. Just add some figures on top from the toy box. Ask your child to select three or four friends. Put on a fill. Get the snacks out. A piece of cake will suffice as a gift to go home with. Send those kids off with a piece of cake. You know what they also love kids, love things like pencils. A piece of cake a pencil. There we go in a rubber, maybe, if you really want to go all out. Keep it simple. Just because other people do big parties I've written, it doesn't mean you need to. Plus,

and I love this bit, I actually exhaled when I read this bit. It was really therapeutic for me to read through this book because this is stuff I need to hear all the time as well. I'm with you. The world is constantly telling us we need to be more and do more and faster and better and bigger. We need to be challenging this all the time in us. It will pop up. It will crop up and we need to start noticing so that we can be resistant to it so we can say, you know what, Anna, you don't need to do all those things. It's okay. And I've written here breaking with the norm may give others the confidence to follow suit. Everyone has different resources, budgets and ideas of what is enjoyable to them, to their child, what is

what is accessible within their resources of time and energy. And I just felt that so helpful to read back. And what we often do when it comes to parties is I remove all the pressure from myself to do these big class parties. They're wonderful and maybe we will do them at one point. We'll do one of them. But at this stage in life, I don't feel like I have the capacity to manage all of that and all the admin

and all the, I'm just not there at the moment, maybe next year I'll be in a different place. Things will feel a little bit more stable in certain areas of my life that I feel are really taking a lot out of me. Maybe I will say, hey, let's invite the whole class and do something really, really fun. But for now, what I've done with my kids over the last few years has said, would you like an experience with a parent or us as a family, or would you like a little party? and my son this time has chosen to have a party and he loves army and my brother is in the army and my brother and him love talking about the army and he loves dressing up and so what my brother's

going to come and do a little survival bear grills type thing with them in the woods near our house for an hour or two and he's chosen to invite his cousins so he's doing that so we haven't done anything with the school. We haven't invited loads of people. That's just right for us right now. Sometimes they choose. They want to go to a cinema with us as a family. So sometimes our kids don't want these massive big parties, perhaps. Sometimes the little simple things are actually more than enough. And as for party bags, I've given out books before. And you know what? Kids may not like me for that. Parents might think that's a bit of a cop out. But honestly, I don't care anymore. I'm just thinking, that's a nice gift. This is what I've got capacity for.

And that's that. Do you know what we went to a party the other day? My friend actually apologized as she handed over the party bags. What did they have in? Whistles. And she gave each of my children. So I had three whistles in my house. They are now really high and far back on the top of the units in the kitchen. They had to, they had to go. So maybe parents will be very grateful of you send their kids home with a little book or a pencil, a little notepad. So there we go. Just some thoughts. What the circumstantial things in your life at the minute that it's all going on. There's nothing really you can do to change that circumstance. It's taking a lot. It needs a lot of you. But what is the created busyness around the stress that is caused perhaps by all those

shoulds, all those, those, the rules that we, we set for ourselves. And maybe it feels like sometimes our culture, our friendship groups, our families are assuming or expecting certain things from us sometimes. It's really good to challenge that. And it actually makes people exhale. A moment I spoke about, not in this bit, but another one was when I went to a big family gathering, big Indian family gathering, so much curry. My, uh, husband's family are from India, my husband's side of the family. And yeah, I remember walking into the kitchen and all these, all my aunties were microwaving M&S curry. And I just thought that was amazing because so many of these other events I'd been to, they had spent days, days

preparing all this food. And perhaps some people really enjoy that. But maybe they just said, or we haven't got time this time. M&S curry is great. M&S butter chicken, by the way, absolute winner. But I absolutely love that. And it really just gave me permission. It gave me permission to next time I saw them and they came to our house not long after. I got a whole load of cook food, you know, the food that you just put it in the oven because it was a busy time of life and sometimes I love the cooking and sometimes I love the preparation but sometimes that is created created busyness that sits on top of the circumstantial busyness that all just feels a lot and that created busyness can sometimes just be the bit that feels too much it can be

the bit that takes us from a full on time to burnout to flopping to thinking oh I just can't do this so notice what is that created busyness what are those narratives that perhaps need challenging the sheds that maybe just need binning and it can feel so good and trust me when you've done it once and you feel really freed up by it and you sit with a guilt because often guilt comes with this so for example the time that I decided I was no longer going to send Christmas cards Florence was how old is she she was a few months old and it was Christmas where It was, you know, with a baby and two young kids and that was just a lot in itself. And then the Christmas cards was another layer of stuff that I felt I should do.

And I remember one day sitting there with my pen thinking, you know, I can't wait a minute. I don't, I don't have to. And I didn't send Christmas cards that year. That was about how many years ago now, nearly five years ago. And I've never sent any Christmas cards since. The kids can make them. We'll hand them out to family. They want to make them. But ultimately, I don't send however many Christmas cards anymore. And at the beginning, I felt really guilty. I really had to sit with that guilt, especially as they came in. Sometimes I literally wanted to

quickly send one back, so I don't want to disappoint people. I just put something on Facebook and said, I was going to donate that money to charity instead. So I gave myself permission. And now I don't even mind, we barely get any Christmas cards anymore. I think we've been struck off a few listen, I'm absolutely, absolutely okay with that. And when you start realizing that it's more okay than you imagine it might be, you start thinking, oh, what else of that created busyness can I alleviate from myself, especially when the circumstantial busyness is really picked up? So there we go. That is from my book, Raising a Happier Mother. And I've got so many more. I just kept wanting to get my phone out and pause the recording.

and take photos of things because, yeah, I just want to show it with you. But when you get your hands on it, let me know what you think. But I hope you find it incredibly nurturing and warm and helpful. Thank you so much for listening. Please do take a moment to subscribe, rate and review as it really helps get these words out to benefit more juggling parents like us. And head to anamatha.com to find my resources on every. everything from health anxiety to people pleasing, starting at only 20 pounds. And finally,

don't forget to pre-order my new book, Raising a Happier Mother, How to Find Balance, Feel Good, and see your children flourish as a result. I can't wait for you to have that. Take care and we'll chat soon.