The Therapy Edit - On how to feel less fearful of loss

Episode Date: August 26, 2024

In this, the ninth of a special ten part series of The Therapy Edit, Anna talks through the second to last of The Uncomfortable Truths; I will lose people I love.The Uncomfortable Truth: Change Your Life By Taming 10 of Your Mind's Greatest Fears is Anna's 5th book was published on the 8th August.Order your copy hereHere's a teaser from Anna about what to expect in this long-awaited, transformative book.‘Some people don’t like me”“Bad things will happen to people I love”“I’m going to fail”… these words underpinned my anxieties and nightmares. I bet they feature in yours too.Our fears are anchored in the unavoidable truths of life; all things reach an end, bad things happen, and we lack the control we crave.As an experienced psychotherapist, who’s had years of therapy, I realised that ploughing endless energy into trying to control the uncontrollable is keeping us all tired, wired, and worried. Ignoring fears doesn’t make them less true, it makes them more powerful. I decided to try a different tact and it changed my world.Instead of doing everything I could to ease and avoid life’s uncomfortable truths, I sought a deeper acceptance of them. Through using this approach, my clients and I discovered that fear began to loosen its grip. We were living more intentionally and peacefully.So, face your fears one a chapter at a time, and discover who you are without worry, doubt and people-pleasing holding you back.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. I hope you're okay today as you listen to this episode all about feeling less fearful of loss. Now this is episode nine of my 10-part mini-series all based around my book, the uncomfortable truth and it's all about living more wholeheartedly and fully in spite of these truths of life that make us feel so deeply uncomfortable and this is a big one I know I promise you we're going to go really gently on this now as someone who has been through um who's lost someone at a young age I lost my sister when I was a child um to cancer this is a very poignant one for me

and the fear of loss has been really, has had a big place in my life. I, yeah, just it has fed and fueled anxiety and worry and fear. And it's had me not being able to enjoy sometimes the people in my life that are there and very present and very much alive because I'm just scared of losing them. So how do we become more comfortable or more accepting? I think is the word of this really uncomfortable truth. And I'm going to share some tips with you. But I just want you to think, like, how differently would you feel if you did feel somehow

more accepting of this truth and less fearful? How much does the fear of loss feature in your life, in your mind, in your thoughts, in your dreams, in your anxieties? What would it feel like to have a greater acceptance so that it just sits different? in you. So I'm going to share a little excerpt of the book, The Uncomfortable Truth, and then I'm going to share a tip or two on how to get a bit more comfortable with that. Now, you know, when I wrote the book, this massive uncomfortable truth of I will lose people I love, which is what the chapter is called. It was right at the beginning of the book, I think it was chapter two. And on reflection,

I actually moved it all the way to the end of the book because I realized this is such a hard hitter and I really wanted you to feel like you could trust that I would approach it really gently and that I would give you a boatload of hope and that it wouldn't feel dark and scary that actually it would feel yeah it would feel anxiety relieving actually in the in the opposite way and it would feel comforting and it would kind of open up new ways to to feel around loss now I write this in the book okay I write if you have a already walk through the fire of grief, you will. If you haven't already lost someone that you love, someone that you don't believe you could live without one day, you will, tragedy would touch you

somehow whether something happens to someone close to you or you live on the periphery of someone else's pain. Now, I'm fully aware that this uncomfortable truth fuels our nightmares and has us bracing ourselves when loved ones board flights or await test results. Loving other people, can make us feel vulnerable and so young, so young, sometimes I just want someone to come along and put their hands on my shoulders and promise me that I will never have to go through that. Now, we cannot help, but allow our hearts to invest in the life and hearts of other people, right? People are meaningful to us, even though sometimes we want to put up our guards in order to protect ourselves from the pain of loss.

Sometimes I find myself thinking, oh, I just wish I didn't love anyone because then it just wouldn't hurt. But actually, love brings richness and meaning to my life as well. So I don't want to live without that. I'm fully aware that this uncomfortable truth pervades many sleepless nights and is the cause of heartache and anxiety, much as it is my own. But in the chapter of the book where we talk about this, I aim to help you sit different. differently. Instead of fear, this truth will prompt intentionality, empowering you to make

the most out of the good relationships in your life. And I must say, with the clients that I've worked with on this as well, and as I've kind of tried to take a different stance on this over the years, it really, it really has done this. And I aim to reframe the anxiety around loss to inspire actually a warm sense of gratitude and contentment that both softens the anxiety and sits behind it because we're always going to feel fearful of loss, right? We are, but how much headspace and energy it takes from us. Now, that can change. So in the book, I share some reasons as to why we might find this one particularly hard to deal with it.

And you know what? Some people are just more accepting. Some people are just more matter-of-fact about this, but some of us really do struggle with it. It might be, I list more reasons in the book, but here are two, just to give you a little, just to give you something to think about. Number one, it might be that you have not seen someone journey through healthy grief. Maybe you haven't witnessed someone and moved through that process of grief in a way that actually feels both honoring of their experience of loss and also in time progressive

towards that place of acceptance where they kind of, there's no coming out the other side, is there because we build our lives around loss in a way. Our lives, it's not a case of coming out the other side because so much changes. But we can see sometimes people building a fulfilling life, an awareness of the loss rather than an avoidance of it. And I see this in my mum. And sometimes when I'm feeling really scared, I think of her and the full life that she has built despite the loss of her daughter. Well, maybe you've observed someone respond to their grief through numbing or addiction or abuse. Now, both of these experiences, whether you've not seen someone journey through healthy grief

or you've seen someone respond to it in ways that feel harmful or really just limiting their life in some way, it's understandable that if you've either of these experiences can fuel that belief that losing someone you love is far too great a pain to live with, that life changes beyond all recognition and that there is little chance of rebuilding it or finding a new normal or finding hope or laughter. And another reason that we can find this one hard is that as a culture we're taught to numb and avoid pain. And as children, many of us, were taught to divert emotion or attention away from unpleasant things, not just to feel, you know, not to feel them. And it might be that we heard, don't cry, you're okay. When you cried as a toddler or be

grateful, most teenagers don't have what you have if you are finding things tough. This continues into adulthood, right? You know, twinge, take a pill, a tough day, grab a drink, bored, drown out the silence with music, sad, binge a bit of TV. There are so many ways to numb or avoid pain in our society. So numbing and avoidance mean that actually we don't process or make space for really valid fears and feelings, which as a therapist I will always champion is the best way to address them. So here are two tips out of the many in my book to. become a little bit more accepting and to find ways to live more wholly with this truth, with this truth of loss. Number one, know that people have survived grief. Of course, we know grief

is survivable, right? We see people living and grieving. Maybe it is possible to die of a broken heart as some elderly people are known to, but what I mean here is surviving in the true sense of really living. You may know someone who, even though while still alive, they actually seem to die along with their loved one in a way. They really lost a huge part of themselves because unprocessed grief and traumatic loss can leave people feeling stuck, feeling as if the loss happened yesterday when it is not being allowed and accepted. when there is no dam built against the feeling that come in waves no matter what they may be. People certainly can thrive after loss.

People have thrived after walking through the fire of your nightmares. People have survived grief. People have thrived after loss, trauma and tragedy. And that is true. And sometimes when we know that fear is taking such a big place in our lives, sometimes seeking out those stories and getting people to tell you how they are and how they did it can help. It can help remind us that people really can survive and fully survive and thrive after grief. Number two, if you are finding this uncomfortable truth, really uncomfortable,

then establish and widen your support network because you need support through life, end of story, regardless of the challenges that you're going to face in your path. That is a weakness That's just human necessity. Conversely, many cultures encourage individualism like ours. And we're just applauded for self-sufficiency and being strong and coping and putting on a strong face. So as you establish and widen your support network, you will feel like no matter what lies ahead you have, people around you who know you who care about you and you know and care about them. So whatever storms you weather, you will not be weathering them alone. You will not be walking through any of these things alone.

So how can you establish or widen or deepen your support network today? Which relationships do you want to invest in? Which, what gaps are there in your support network? Are there conversations that you might need to have people that you might need to meet up with or reconnect with? So you know that whatever bridges you have to cross, you will have someone standing along you on that bridge. So yeah, a big topic and I promise in the book, we approach it really gently and you end up with, yeah, some hope, some hope and some comfort. But yes, you will lose people, you love, and so will I. But we will not be alone in it. We can survive it. We can

thrive after it. As hard as it might be to comprehend, especially if you've lived it in fear for such a long time. But the book is bright yellow for a reason. These are big and comfortable truths but there is also so much hope alongside them that can enable you to live a yeah a fuller more wholehearted alive life in spite of all of these uncomfortable trees so I hope you enjoy it I hope it's um for those of you that are reading it I hope it's really speaking to you and yeah just feels like a massive hug holding you through the yeah life and all its wild contrast of joy and heartache and yeah so that you want to be you're all in right you'll be all in with me i am so excited

to announce that my brand new book the uncomfortable truth change your life by taming 10 of your minds greatest fears is available for pre-order now and is out on the 8th of august and in this book we tackle some of life's big unavoidable uncomfortable truths such as some people don't like me I am going to fail. Life isn't fair. Bad things will happen. And in this book, we tackle these big uncomfortable trees that rob us have so much headspace and energy as we try and control and avoid them. And as we move into a place of radical acceptance of these truths, you will find yourself living more freely and intentionally with more presence and confidence than ever before. So come on this journey with me and pre-order now at Wardstones in Amazon and we can celebrate together.