The Therapy Edit - On how to like yourself more

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

In this short Monday solo episode of The Therapy Edit Anna answers a question from a listener and explores tried and tested ways that you can learn to like yourself more.As always there are heaps more resources available to help you with this topic, many of which are mentioned in this episode. Visit annamathur.com to find out more.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello, I hope you're well today, whatever you're up to. This episode of the Therapy Edit, we are going to talk about how to like yourself more. Now I asked my community over on Instagram to request some topics. And somebody wrote in the little box to hate myself less. And I really, really wanted to do an episode on how to like ourselves more because I have hated myself in the past for a lot of my life.

I felt very, very, just not enough, not enough of the world, not enough, not good enough for anyone around me. I felt very, I don't like an imposter, to be honest, in my own life. I think it's like the ultimate form of imposter syndrome really, isn't it? Where all of my friendships, all of my relationships, I always had this kind of little sense that, there's a little whisper that if they really knew me, then they wouldn't like me. if they really knew me they wouldn't be here now they wouldn't be my friend they wouldn't love me they wouldn't care for me which is a massive massive thing a massive whisper isn't it to be the

undercurrent to your life and you might not feel like that you might feel perhaps you you hear about this self-love and you hear everyone talking about you love yourself and actually that feels to you like impossible how can you. I love myself. I'm not even my own biggest fan. So I really want to speak to you about that and know that I'm coming from a place of both personal experience, but also so many of the clients I've worked with over the years. I've had a real level of struggling to like themselves at all, struggling to respect themselves. Maybe struggle to respect your needs, to recognize them to speak them out. Maybe you find it hard to hold your boundaries.

because they just get steamrolled. You don't want to be difficult. You don't want to be a burden. Maybe you find it hard to speak out and have your voice and your words heard. Maybe you have always put other people above yourself and told yourself it's about respecting loving people and that's how you do.

And actually it comes at a real cost of you not hearing yourself. You not letting other people hear, see, support, love. love you, the real you. So, first of all, I think I just want to put aside the self-love thing. I would confidently say that I love myself. I love myself. I have grace for myself. I have understanding and some patience and it's not always that way, of course, I have my moments, but I respect myself. But I didn't just, just didn't happen overnight. It's been a long journey. love that if any of this resonates with you, that you want to stick a steak in the ground, you say, you know what, one day I'd love to get there, but I'm going to start with self-like.

I want to like myself. Or maybe you take a step back from that and you think, you know what, that's a little bit too far for me right now. I want to accept myself, even in the parts that I find hard. I want to accept myself as a valuable human being who deserves her space in this earth. or maybe you find that a step too far and you think you know what i just want to respect myself as a as a human being and i know that i often want to just carry out that these things are often so nuanced and rooted in how you've been treated perhaps even as a child have you been treated as someone as worthy and deserving of kindness and love and respect and like or has that somehow been challenged

have you not had that as the main narrative the main input and if that is the case I'd love you to explore having some conversations with people that feel safe maybe you speak to a therapist maybe you go on my helpful contact section on my website know you're worth my book is a really good one to start with this but here are some tips number one how to like yourself more number one challenge the narrative when you recognise that you are thinking things about yourself when you are responding with criticism internally, the most important conversation you will ever have is the one that you have with yourself. Challenge that narrative. Is that true? Is that thing, oh, you always do this? I'm always, I'm such a failure. I don't deserve this.

Is it true? Is it true? If you believe that as humans, we all have value, you are no exception to that rule. are no exception to that rule. And if anyone has taught you that you are the exception to the rule that everyone deserves love, acceptance, respect and support, then that is not a true narrative. That is a broken narrative that often comes from broken experiences. So I'd love you to challenge narrative. I'd love you to think if there was someone really kind and gentle and loving you might be able to actually conjure someone up in your mind, what would they say in this moment? If I drop something and I go, oh, for goodness sake, you're not capable of doing anything right, how might I challenge a narrative and think, is that true? No, I do some things,

right? I do some things well, actually. What would someone that cares about me say, they might say, are we all, we'll do things like that? They'd be so harsh on yourself, it's okay. So I want you to challenge that narrative and I want you to challenge self-treatment oh this is huge i want you to notice where in your behavior and the things that you accept the things that you do the disciplines the routines are you treating yourself as someone is deserving of respect nourishment care would you want your child or someone you love to treat themselves in the way that you treat yourself and i think the challenge is that often we try to wait until we feel deserving of good things to actually accept and seek good things. And I remember years ago back when I was training

actually and started becoming, you are your first case study when you train as therapist. So it's like back in 2010. And I remember I started recognizing things like I wouldn't even take an umbrella out in the rain. And it was some kind of just simmering form of just self-neglect and self-punishment. Often these little things that I would do or not do just because I wasn't in the business of being kind to myself and I started recognizing these things and I think right what would be the opposite caring thing to do I take an umbrella I take a coat I put on a Coke because I'm cold I will eat that lovely meal because I'm hungry so recognize those self those little moments of opportunity to treat yourself as someone deserving of care and respect and I promise you that in time as we know

actions speak so loudly as you start treating yourself as someone deserving of respect then it starts affecting that in a narrative it starts affecting the bar that you place for your own self-treatment I encourage you to lean into relationships consider those people who have historically been kind and supportive how might you show them a little bit more of yourself because the amazing thing is as you do this and people don't run away screaming from you as you might fear that they might as I have feared in the past when I've been vulnerable and open that people might think, Anna, you are too much for me. You know what? Sometimes we are too much for some people, but actually it's not that you are too much. It's just that person perhaps

doesn't have capacity or insight at that time and it's not a reflection on who you are. So as you open up to people, let them see a little bit more of the authentic you, then the wonderful thing that happens is that you start forming those relationships and it starts challenging that little whisper and that little voice says if they only knew the real me. Well, you know what? They do. That person does and they still like you and they still care about you and they haven't run away. So actually, you start really chipping away that narrative. I would love you also to start practicing your yes. When someone offers kindness or support, even if you are literally clenching your butt cheeks, please just start practicing your yes please. Thank you. That would be great.

Even if everything inside of you is screaming no because your narrative historically has been that to accept support and kindness is somehow a failure or that you don't deserve it. So stop practicing your yes. And then you will see that to accept kindness from someone is often a gift as much to them as it is to you. And it starts becoming a great thing, a potential moment of connection. And sometimes I really still have to intentionally encourage myself to say yes. But it's a really wonderful thing to get into the habit of. So the final thing is to have those conversations where if you need to and you recognize that that

internal narrative, that internal treatment is just so deeply said that it feels just impossible to address it, I recommend that you speak to someone wise and warm or speak to a therapist even better if possible so that you can start pulling apart. What is you? What is your narrative? What is your worth? And what are the words that someone else has spoken? to you that is more reflective of their journey and their broken narratives than it is of you. Sometimes we need to just start separating them out with someone else and just challenging them.

It's a massive thing to start addressing a relationship, which is what it is. You know, if you are not valuing yourself, it's going to be hard to place those boundaries and hold those boundaries when it comes to what you allow from other people. but as you do these things in time with the right support, then I promise you I never, ever, ever would have thought that I could confidently say that I love and accept myself. But here I am, and it's possible. So go gently.

Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses on everything from health anxiety, to driving anxiety and people-pleasing nail all on my website, Anna Martha.com. And also, don't forget my brand new book, Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good, and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.