The Therapy Edit - On how to take the power out of comparison

Episode Date: March 21, 2022

The other day I shared a photo of my freezer drawer, and it sparked some thoughts on comparison! I share them in this episode and give you a hard fact on comparison that I hope will help.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello, welcome to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. I just wanted to say before I started that you are so welcome to drop me an email. It's hello at anamatha.com. If you have any requests on podcast topics, you might have heard a quote or a phrase that you'd like to hear me dig into a little bit or perhaps you have a question that you'd like me to shape an episode around. Do you get in touch. I love hearing from you. So today's episode is a tall to ease comparison. I think comparison is such a powerful drive, isn't it? I share a bit of my life on social media. those of you who follow me will know I share all sorts. I often share the kind of those

face in palm moments of motherhood of which I am one of those people that has many of those daily, whether I'm trying to open my front door with my car key or I've gone out the house and I've taken the car key instead of a door key and locked us all out. I've, there's a lot of ones with keys. I've thrown my car key into the tip once when I was chucking boxes in there. Yeah, I mean, I'm just one of those people who has many of those face in palm moments. And I, yeah, I share those on social media. And I remember the other day sharing this story about how I had meant to take a gift for a friend, for a godson. I meant to take a Christmas present.

So this is back at Christmas for my godson to a play date. I forgot it. so after the school drop off I diverted back to pick up the present I then went to the house and I presented this present to this child and it wasn't glow in the dark dinosaur pajamas it was a bronzer compact intended for my friend so I took that back home and then the next day I saw the friend that was the owner the soon to be owner of the bronzer and I handed her the glow in the dark dinosaur pajamas and I shared this because it was just one of those moments. And I had so many messages at people saying, oh my gosh, I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who does these things. I have also, for various reasons, a few times shared my freezer drawers.

Now, my freezer drawers are like very dangerous shards of ice because I've used brute force and even feet to try and open them and wedge things in there. And in the process, I get, I get freezer rage. I think it's a thing. And, you know, they're broken and they're cracked. And again, I get these messages saying, Anna, I'm so glad I'm not the only one whose freezer looks like this, looks like a hazard.

And I think what occurs to me in this is, guys, this is a problem. This is a problem. This is a big problem. if we think we are alone in misgiven presence and cracked freezer drawers, no wonder, no wonder we feel alone in our anxiety, in our overwhelm and our intrusive thoughts and our challenges on our relationships in our guilt, no wonder we feel alone in those things. No wonder we find it hard to open up about the reality of some of the conflicting motherhood emotions. When we feel feel like we're the only one with a broken freezer drawers and the only one giving the wrong people

the wrong presence. You know, we see life, we see the life of other people through filters, even more so over these last two years where so much of our, just our exposure of the world is through, it's through filters, isn't it? Filters of news, filters of opinion, filters on social media. And our brain is hardwired to believe what we think. Now, this is. is why magic, when was the last time you saw magic? This is why magic feels so unbelievable because our brain is watching and our brain is trying to process and it's taking things for what they are yet something different is happening. And this, this is like, you know, this is just a really powerful metaphor I find of how we've been able to see the world these last

couple of years. You know, we see things on social media. We see things, you know, portrayed in different ways in our minds, just to assume that that's the reality. And it takes energy for us to go, wait a minute, other people have raised or drawers like this. Wait a minute. Other people have thoughts and feelings like this. That takes energy. And intentionality sometimes, you know, just to battle with that assumption where our brain goes to of what we see is what is. So you, you know, if you go back generations, you know, we would have been exposed less to different people's lives. We would have known the people directly around us. We wouldn't have known as many people. We wouldn't have known as many stories. If we bought the newspaper, perhaps we would

have known some bits. But we're just so exposed now. We're so exposed through the digital lens, which is incredibly limited. And our minds are just trying to compute that what we're seeing is real. And then we're having to battle with that. So that is why when we see these crack drawers and we see these faux pars and the messes and a friend opens up, you know, we feel that absolute relief because we've been believing what we've been seeing. Now, my tool for comparison to help ease this is to just start to assume that everybody else has cracked drawers. Everybody else has locked themselves out. Everybody else has tried at some point. use the key from the car to get into the house and stood there on their doormat,

kind of zapping and wondering why it's not opening. Everybody else has cried over stuff falling out of the cupboard. Everybody else has had a meltdown or felt overwhelmed or burn out. Everybody else feels the pressure. You know, just standing on that certainty and that assumption that everybody else has dark corners and rough edges in their lives. not just, you know, on a practical sense, but also internally. And I can tell you in confidence and certainty from it in my workplace of working

with so many people and hearing the behind the scenes of so many mums that everybody, absolutely everybody has their own challenges, their messy corners, their neuroses, they're, you know, the things that they struggle with. I can tell you that with certainty. So what would it be like? then. As we see other people's lives and we see the bits that we're shown or we see or that we're able to see on the school run or wherever it may be, what would it be like to stand on that assumption and that fact that they have their challenges to, that they have

their messy corners instead of almost needing proof of it. What might it be like to then whenever you find yourself or catch yourself comparing or using what you see as a measure something to say, you know, that says something about you. So it might be that I see a mom being really calm and patient with a tantrumied child and I think, oh my gosh, I wish I could be like that. You know, I'm assuming I'm comparing that moment to me and making a statement of it about how good a parent I am or how calm I am. And I'm. actually, I'm just seeing that tiny snapshot. So what might we say to ourselves then in those moments where we catch ourselves comparing,

you know, sometimes I simply repeat to myself, you know, rough edges, dark corners, rough edges, dark corners. We all have rough edges. We all have dark corners. And it can become this little mantra, I guess, that is triggered by that acknowledgement that you are comparing yourself in that moment, just to ground and anchor yourself in that absolute certain truth that you are not alone in your rough edges and your dark corners. Everybody has them. We tend to compare the areas in which we think other people are thriving in, in the areas that we feel like we're just surviving in.

And if you can start to validate and remind and give yourself that assurance that we all have our rough edges and our dark corners, whether we see them, whether we know them or not. It's just simple truth. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Worth. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mothers' mental and emotional well-being. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.