The Therapy Edit - On how to thrive in the juggle

Episode Date: October 31, 2022

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit Anna considers the juggle of modern motherhood and whether keeping all of your juggling balls in the air is a realistic expectation for us.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. How are you juggling today? What are you juggling? What have you got on your plate? How are you feeling about that? When you look at other people in your life and those around you,

do you find yourself comparing how you're juggling? with how they seem to be juggling. I certainly do. And if you're with me on that, then this episode is for you. I have got one truth that I want to talk about when it comes to the juggle. And I speak from the most incredibly privileged position

as someone who gets to see behind the scenes of so many people's juggling. I get to hear about the costs of the juggle. I get to hear about the areas that are struggling in light of those that perhaps we see are really thriving and surviving. So I want to share with you a truth about the juggle that I always come back to in my own mind when I find myself observing someone else and thinking, oh, they've really got it. They're doing brilliantly. And of course, then in the light of that, it's often the criticism that comes towards myself from that comparison.

Or I might see someone else struggling in the way that I feel like I'm doing all right. And I feel that sense of, yeah, I've got this when actually they may well be most likely thriving in a way that I am just surviving in. So it's such an unequal comparison isn't it always is. And we know this cognitively. But I want to share with you a truth that really helps ground me. when I notice my mind going off and doing these things when I'm just reflecting and assessing how I'm getting on in this juggle. So the truth is that we all have limited capacity and everything costs something. Everything has a cost. So I did a real, it was actually a couple

years ago, I found it on my Instagram. I had to trawl back in the Instagram archives. If you ever fancy grabbing a cup and sitting on the sofa and just scrolling through my page, there's all sorts down there over the last few years. But there's this one post and I must have done it a few years ago because I had super short hair. And I had got three of my husband's whiskey glasses. I think they used to be his grandfathers. And in a jug, I'd got some liquid that I had put some drops of food coloring. It looked like something that we used to drink at university from the bar. It was that really bright color. Anyway, so imagine these three glasses in front of you right now, lined up in front of you. And I want you to think, what are three of the main areas of your life that

demands so much of your time, your energy, your head space? What are those things? I imagined that for many of us, they might be one of those glasses, might be your social life. your relationships, your friendships. One might be work, whatever that looks like for you. And another one might be family within the home. They could be whatever you want them to be. But imagine right now these three glasses in front of you. Imagine that you're holding this jug of really dodgy looking blue liquid. I think it was blue wicked. That's what the drink was called that I'm remembering. I can almost remember the taste of it. Anyway, imagine that you're holding this jug of bright blue liquid as not loads of it. But this signifies your energy and your resources, your emotional

energy, your physical energy, your head space. It might be your finances. It might be your time, your diary, all of your resources are in this jug as the blue liquid. Now imagine that your social life. You're putting loads into that right now. So pour a load of liquid in there. Okay, that's looking really good. We've got a lot of liquid in there. You're doing great. Now, let's put the rest of liquid in the two other glasses. You've got your work. So, oh dear, there's only a dribble there. And one is family. Oh gosh, just a few drops left. Your liquid, the amount that you have in your jug is limited. You can't make more. If you want to add to your family cup, what you need to do is lift up a social life cup and just pour a load in there. But then what's happened? Well, your work's only got a dribble in. So let's get your family life cup and tip a little bit back in there. But now which one's getting empty? You know, we might look at someone else's social life glass and think, wow. They're doing so well. They're so on top of it. They always seem to make themselves available.

They seem to really maintain contacts and connections and they never seem to forget anyone's birthday. But then we don't know what the other ones look like. You might look at my work life. And I do a lot. I churn out a lot. I love my job and I'm so lucky that I have a job that I love. and because I'm passionate about it, often the time that I do get to work, I'm very driven, I put a lot of time and energy into it. But you might look at my work cup. I think, wow, how does she do it when I am struggling to get this done? But let me tell you, you do not see my social life cup. You do not see my family cup. You do not see that after some of these days, some of these weeks, some of these projects, that I do a little more than flop on the sofa in

the evening at a bit of a tearful heap and grunt monosyllic sentences at my husband and struggle to chat. So everything has a cost. And when we're really thriving in one area of our lives, it is very likely that we are feeling lacking in others or needing in others or struggling or guilty. So we can idealise and isn't it often that we look at the areas of other people's lives where their cup seems to be brimming. And then we assume that the rest of their lives are looking the same. And this is such a lie. This is such a lie.

Everything costs something. And also, we all have different amounts of liquid to pour. We don't have the same. It might be the chronic illness means that you have less liquid to pour. It might mean that lack of finances or support mean that you have got less resources to pour into each of those things. So it is another truth that we have different amounts of liquid in our jugs to pour into those things. You know, I might look at your family cup. I might look at your parenting cup and think, oh my goodness, how does she maintain this calm? She is doing

amazingly and in comparison my cup has a little dribble in and I'm struggling to resource myself enough to give what I need to. Now I have a couple of particular challenges in my parenting that other friends of mine perhaps don't have. Some of them do. So my parenting cup often requires more of my resources than perhaps I have when I'm trying to put things into other glasses. Do you hear what I'm saying. So we don't see the costs. Often we don't see the dribble in the other glasses when we're looking at the full ones, but also it might be that we don't see the differing resources either. As I was saying with work, you know, I have some childcare, I get to work two and a half days. I also have a cleaner. So some of my resources I'm not needing to put

into cleaning the house as much as I otherwise would do. So we do not see the differing resources that each other have often. So the moral of the story is that we are all juggling. For one glass to be topped up brim, full to the brim, it is very likely that the other cups are paying, or there is one cup with a dribble. So what can we do? We can recognize this first and foremost to make sure that when we notice ourselves kind of slipping in to believing that lie, if we've all got the same resources, if someone is thriving in one area, they're probably likely thriving in the others. These things are not true. So we can recognize that and I find that so helpful in and of itself, but furthermore, we can choose to validate ourselves. Sometimes it is harder for you.

I remember when I had my refluxy baby and I'd look around and I'd look around and I'd think, how are the other babies so happy? How are the other moms seeming to find this so easy? Because I assumed it was equally challenging for everyone. But actually, as soon as I started to recognize that my experience was different, it was harder for me in certain areas, just as it was harder for others in different areas. Now, this isn't about slipping into that victim mentality, but it mobilizes you a little bit to seek more resources, where you can, to cut yourself some slack where you can and to be a little bit more kinder and compassionate to yourself. So there is that truth that I find so helpful when we are

idealising other people's lives. We are all juggling. There is always a cost. We all have different resources available to each of us. Thank you for listening to today's episode of the therapy edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Over Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book. You don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring calm.

comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.