The Therapy Edit - On how to worry less about what others think

Episode Date: May 1, 2020

It's so common to worry about what others think about us. But exactly how much does this impact our lives and self-esteem? And what can we do about it?

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello and welcome back to The Therapy Edit. We are on episode seven and I'm going to be talking on worrying less about what people think. You will not believe it. I have started and deleted recording this three times now. And I have really felt the fear, you know, last week I launched this podcast. So this is the very first one that I've recorded since having it out there. And it felt so much easier to sit here and chat away into a microphone when it wasn't even officially a thing that was out there for people

to listen to. And now suddenly it is. And I feel, I guess, vulnerable to opinion. You know, what if someone doesn't like it? What if they say it's ridiculous? What if they say I'm not talking sense. What if, you know, I get loads of negative feedback? What if it was a waste of time? What if it's not helpful in the way that I hoped? And, you know, suddenly all of these feelings flood in. And what they do is like they, they kind of stifle me a bit and they take away my confidence and that fear of what you'll think. It just kind of, you know, it's, it came over me like a wave and I've put off recording. And I'm, you know, and I think actually that that's why it's really important for me to chat about this because this is something I have to come back to

even as a therapist who is working with a lot of people on people pleasing and I've I've had to work a lot on my own life in people pleasing people pleasing and the fear of what the what others think has been such a challenge in my own life it has dictated so much for me there have been so many feelings I haven't verbalized out of fear of people misunderstanding them. There have been so many ventures I haven't stepped out in out of fear of people thinking they're ridiculous. You know, there have been so many needs that I haven't verbalized out of fear of people thinking that I was too much. And I think we all do this. We all do this when we have that fear of what people think. And so I want to talk about it. So it's kind of a bit of self-therapy in this session.

I'm talking to myself. It's something that I constantly have to revisit. It's one of the best things that I have ever ventured into addressing in my whole life, because when we can address this and when we can start chipping away at the power that we give other people and other people's thoughts and opinions, the power that we get them to dictate what we believe we are worth and how good we believe we are and how good a job we believe we are doing. You know, it starts really shifting, changing lots of things in our lives because it starts to, you know, lessen the power of that fear. So yeah, let's chat this through. You know, pleasing others has never been such a miserable entity. I think before the internet for social media, we didn't necessarily know what everyone else thought and now we do. You know,

everything is clicks and swipes and likes and shares and all of these things say, hey, yeah, I like what you're doing. I like who you are. I like what you're wearing. And it's, it's an affirmation, isn't it? And we become kind of fixated on this consistent feedback from people. And we start applying our understanding of our worth. It's so easily done because it's so black and white, isn't it? It's so measurable. But actually, it's also really destructive. You know, when we start giving these little hearts on Instagram or likes or, you know, how quick someone is responding to a message. When we start giving those things the power to tell us whether we are good or whether we are likable, it's just what's going to happen when we don't get that?

What's going to happen when we get a bit of criticism or some negative feedback? We're going to see that. So easy to see that as fact, it's so easy to take other people's opinions as statements of who we are. You know, say that I was to walk into a room and tell a joke. You know, three people might laugh. One person might look at me as if I was a bit ridiculous for even thinking that that was funny. Now, who am I most likely to be drawn towards? I'm most likely to be drawn to the lowest opinion, aren't I? Because, you know, then there will be a part of me that wants to make them like me, that wants to justify myself, wants to explain myself, that finds it difficult to think that actually that person, maybe I'm not their favorite person. And actually, that's quite

uncomfortable. Maybe they don't get me and that's quite uncomfortable. But I think it becomes uncomfortable when we take it as a statement of who we are. You know, just because someone doesn't understand me doesn't mean that I am entirely misunderstood, just because someone might not like me doesn't mean that I am unlikable. You know, just because someone might not be there for me when I'm having a hard time doesn't mean that I am too much, too needy. And I think it's just really about starting to notice when we are letting these opinions of others be statements about who we are. You know, fear of what other people think really, really stops us.

It halts us. It stops us doing things. It limits us. And we just put so much pressure on ourselves, don't we in? And we know, we know, fundamentally, we do know that we cannot, please, everybody. But flipping it, do we try? You know, I spent so much of my life trying to please everybody around me, but the one thing that I lost, A, I couldn't do it because you simply can't. There are too many factors involved. But B, I lost so much of myself. I had to silence so much of myself in the process, my feelings, my opinions, my wants, my needs, so many things that weren't verbalised because I was worried about what people think. And the truth of it is, is that I don't actually have a crystal ball. I do not actually know what people really think. And that can be

quite uncomfortable, yeah, to think that, you know, there will be people that don't get us, people that don't like us, people there always will be those. But is that a statement of who you are? You know, I do not like Lapsang Sushang tea. I don't even know if I'm saying it right. I tried it once. Oh my goodness, not my favorite at all. Do you don't want to drink that again? You know, is that, is that, is that a problem with a tea? Is that saying, am I saying that that tea is bad? That is a bad tea. No one should drink that tea. No, because other people like that tea. I'm sure there are some people who replace good old builders with a cup of Lapsang Tsuchang. You know, that is my subjective taste. That is my experience of it. That is my feeling towards it. It is subjective. You know,

someone might love it. Someone might not. Someone might like me. Someone might not. And if we live our life to the drum of people's changing opinions, we're never going to be able to be ourselves. We're never going to be able to value ourselves. So what do we do about this? Because you know what? It's good to care what people think. Isn't it? Like, it's important to care what people think. It's good to consider people's responses. It's, you know, kindness and thoughtfulness and compassion that come from consideration of what people think. But when we live in that fear, You know, it stops, it blocks, it kills creativity, it silences, very valid opinions, feelings, thoughts and needs and needs. And that is where it becomes really unhelpful. So start listening to your own thoughts, needs and wants and take little risks. And I literally remember doing this when I started addressing people pleasing. I literally remember starting to think, I don't actually agree with that person. What might it be like if I came out with it? And was that, I don't know. I kind of think dot, dot, dot, dot. You know, that thought terrified me to actually

voice something that was in opposition to someone else. I didn't want them to think that I didn't care. I didn't want them to think that I thought they were wrong. I didn't want, I was so fearful. But actually what happened in that moment was that I was saying their opinion is more important than mine. Their opinion is more valid than mine. Therefore, there is no space. And then, you know, I was just perpetuating that sense of low self-worth. So, actually taking those little opportunities to step out. And it feels really risky. And I remember actually being on the tube in London and oh my goodness, this was like, I could never understand those people who had the confidence to say, can everyone move down please? Can everyone move down

please? It used to make me cringe. But actually, you know, there was this one time and it was so sweaty and hot and there was a massive space and I thought, you know what? I'm going to do it. This is going to be my challenge. And I said, you know, do you just mind moving down a little bit? And they did. And they did and it was so affirming it was so affirming for me in that moment of like yeah yeah some people rolled their eyes but actually you know my my need for space was just as valuable as other people's and when we do that and when we speak out and when we validate our own feelings and emotions and thoughts and wants and needs and we can't do it all the time we can't it's not always appropriate but when we do take that little risk in doing so we're saying you know I was saying that my my need is

is just as valuable as someone else is, and that positively feeds back into self-worth. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find more from me on Instagram, Anna Martha. You might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Worth. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting

mother's mental and emotional well-being. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.