The Therapy Edit - On lessening loneliness in motherhood

Episode Date: April 18, 2022

I share my experience and thoughts on why loneliness is such a commonly experienced feeling in motherhood. Becoming a mother can mean that often we’re rarely alone, so feeling lonely can be confusing and hard to address. I hope sharing my experiences and how I manage the feeling is a helpful for you.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. I hope you're okay. As you listen to today's episode, I want to talk to you about loneliness. It was quite a highly requested topic. And yeah, I think I never realized quite. how lonely motherhood could feel. And I always imagined that it would be full of play dates and classes and kind of busyness and it so is. It's full of all of those things.

But there are a few different things that contribute to feeling lonely. And I know that many of you listening today will feel lonely whether you're alone, whether you're on your own or whether you're not. But I think everyone, everyone listening will relate to feeling. lonely. So today's episode is on loneliness and how to lessen some of those feelings or at least to understand them or address them a little bit more. I think it's important to realize that loneliness and being alone are two different things. I am rarely, rarely ever alone. And I do feel lonely sometimes. I think I remember actually going to school the other day and I just felt really off.

I just felt really low. And sometimes what I do is I try and identify the feeling. I don't necessarily try and do anything about it. But I remember sitting in the car and labeling some feelings, just naming them to myself and seeing which one fitted, I often encourage coaching clients to do this. I encourage clients to do this. I encourage clients to name feelings just to see which one fits because I think many of us are so used to focusing on the feelings and attending to the feelings of others that we can almost lose the language for our own and I think it can be really validating just to to label it and acknowledge it. So I was sat in the car after the school drop off and I was just labeling feelings to myself. I was like, hmm, do I feel bored? Do I feel angry? Do I feel hormonal? Do I feel

tired, do I feel lonely? And I remember, you know, there's shape sorters. I see the kids, you know, you see toddlers kind of just trying to slot the right shapes in the right holes and they might try and put the star in the square. But it was like in that second I said lonely to myself. And it's like the, you know, I'd got the star in the right place in the, in the star hole. And it just suddenly it fitted. And I felt like crying. And I just remember, you know, I think it's that feeling that just resonate so deeply for so many for different reasons at different times. And that's why I wanted to talk about it today. You know, we are rarely alone, aren't we? But we can often feel lonely. And I think pre-motherhood, our work, our life is, it contains so much socialisation. We're mixing with

different people, different friends. And we have different friends in different seasons of life, don't we? And I think sometimes in motherhood, we transition into motherhood and we leave some friends behind because we're just in different seasons. We just maybe don't understand each other in the same way. Maybe you have different focuses and there's that transition that happens and maybe you've got people in your life who in that transition to motherhood perhaps are not as supportive or understanding as maybe you might have hoped, maybe they're not as engaged or hands on as you might have hoped maybe things have drifted and the other thing I think in motherhood is that we're unable for a while to do the things that we used to do we can't just go off and

and be impulsive and perhaps engage in some of the social the socializing that we used to and then there's routines isn't there the routines of motherhood the naps and the the school and the childcare and the work and trying to get everything to fit together like a like a jigsaw and that can feel restrictive with socialising and meeting up with people that perhaps you really connect with and it's that connection isn't it that stops us from feeling lonely when we really connect with someone when we feel really known and really seen and all of those routines that come with motherhood can be restrictive on the opportunities to feel that way and then there's all of the new mum friends and all of those situations where you're kind of put together because

your mum's and it might feel a bit forced sometimes and actually you might be making friends with people purely based on the fact that you have children the same age and that it can feel a bit lonely when those friendships sometimes don't come around as organically as as they might have done so before and loneliness can feel like a taboo because I think it's so easy to assume that to feel lonely is a statement about who we are and how we are and whether we're liked and actually it so isn't it is not loneliness is a disconnection with yourself and with others not always with yourself and not always with others it might be both it might be one or the other but ultimately I think it's that it's the decreased opportunity to feel really known to feel really understood

to feel really seen and if you're lucky and enough, I think, to have even one or two of those people in your life who just know you, who just see you, who just get you, then that loneliness is, we're less like to feel it in their presence, aren't we? So we're around people, we're around a child all the time, but we can often feel lonely. So here are some tips for you. Ask yourself, what can you engage in? What can you engage in that brings you joy? What can you engage in that helps you reconnect with yourself or a part of yourself that maybe feels like it's gathered dust a little bit. What steps of vulnerability can you take? So when you are around people, if you know that you

clicked a little bit with someone or you've got a friend that actually you've just kind of lost touch with a little bit because life has just taken over and it's sped up, what are the small steps of vulnerability and openness that you can take with the people around you so that you can feel a little bit more seen and a little bit more known how can you nudge that vulnerability and openness a little bit more and it might be as simple as just going next time you see a friend and they say oh how are you doing instead of just giving the normal reaction how can you just give a little bit more so that you can be seen a little bit more it might be that oh my gosh I've just had a hard day I'm not really enjoying it today I'm not really enjoying parenting today

or oh I had no argument with my partner last night or so that you can just feel that little bit more seen and it gives that further opportunity for connection. The next tip is to grieve the relationships that have changed because when you're in the motherhood trenches, you really can feel distant, can't you, from those who don't understand? From those who don't know what it feels like, because it's a specific feeling, isn't it? In motherhood, the way that love kind of sometimes conflicts with the overwhelm, the stress and the frustration and how it all just all of these different emotions sit together and it's just quite something isn't it so sometimes there is a grieving for the relationships that have

changed and shifted and that is okay it's okay to be tired about that it's okay to recognize that loss you might want to consider how that friend can help um even if it's just to lift your spirits what do you connect over that is not about mother who's if motherhood isn't that thing that you can connect it over what are those other things that you've connected with before is it humor is it that little bit of escapism is it that kind of that ranting and they've always got the right thing to say in our vulnerability accepting support is another way to address loneliness accepting connection even if it is in a different way to how we might love to connect with that person the next one is is that saying yes to offers of help even if

everything inside you is screaming, no, and finds it so squirmingly uncomfortable because it's so much easier, isn't it, to offer help and support and words of wisdom sometimes than to ask them or to accept them. But think about how it makes you feel connected to a friend when you are able to support them. Now let yourself be the recipient of that, to give them that joy, to give them that honour and then feel that sense of connection deepen because that is friendship that is relationship it is a two-way street even if the one way is far more comfortable than the other and that is relationship it ebbs and flows and sometimes you will be more of the support than someone else might be but that is you know that's just how it goes that is that is the rhythm of life

and relationship so let yourself be the recipient and sense that connection deepen And if loneliness is disconnection, then accepting support and offers of help sometimes are a better or a good way to deepen that connection. Another tip is just to get out every single day. Get out every single day. Confidence is that muscle that needs to be strengthened. And the more conversations we have, the more we can realize that we are not alone. And then the more confidence we have in the fact we're not alone, the easier it becomes to have these conversations.

I remember one morning and I felt lonely and alone and I let myself, you know, when you're kind of like holding back the tears and the frustration or the exhaustion or whatever it is, I let myself burst into tears to a fellow school mum. I felt like an absolute blotchy mess, but I came away from it not feeling as lonely. I came away from it having connected. And it was because I let that barrier down. I let that wall down and that is where that connection happens. It's lonely living behind a facade.

It is lonely living behind a barrier. And it can be terrifying letting that barrier down. But actually, confidence is a muscle. Little by little, we can start connecting that little bit more. And my final tip is to use those online communities because there were times in my life where it felt too terrifying to let that barrier down. Because having that barrier up was my only defence, really, against completely falling apart. And this was when I was going to be postnatal depression and just chronically

deprivation. So I used online community. So I had a group on Facebook that I'd been added to with a load of mums that I'd never met. And I kind of built up that confidence there, talking about it more freely there. I found it easier to type than I did to speak about. And the kindness that I got back then helped me when it came to talking to friends about it. Now, if you're feeling chronically low and lonely, please do accept support. But if loneliness is a discreet. connection, how might you start taking little steps in connecting? And then finally just re-remember that loneliness is not a statement about who you are and how well you are liked it is not. Because we can be in a room full of people and feel alone. It is about that connection

and how might you seek to reconnect a little bit with yourself and others? I hope that is helpful for you. I'm sending you love today if you're feeling lonely. You are certainly not alone even if you feel like it in that feeling. Take care. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Worth.

I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the soul. focus on supporting mothers' mental and emotional well-being. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.