The Therapy Edit - On letting going of control... just a little bit

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit Anna shares a poem and helps listeners take baby steps to let go of control, just a little bit.As always, we hope this listen gives you some ideas for making your life easier, fuller and more joyful.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. I am going to share a poem with you today, the one that I wrote earlier today. I haven't written poetry in a while. I don't even know if you can call it that. It definitely doesn't rhyme. I just like writing stuff

and sometimes it feels a little bit more poetic anyway, it's all about that grapple with control all about relinquishing control and being fearful of being seen as a little bit and done so I'm going to share this poem with you super short, don't worry

and then I'm just going to share some thoughts on it. So I haven't actually even got a name for the poem so I'm not a real poet there's no name. I used to be so fearful of unravelling being seen as remotely undone emotions displayed or a hair out of place safe in being wrapped up against the world impermeable neat but in the process of being unraveled by the

world itself the curveballs the losses the traumas i had little choice but to unfur to loosen my knuckle white grip to relinquish control and in the unfurling the unraveling the messiness of feeling done the most beautiful things begun to occur. The tendrils of myself that I'd wound so neatly began to wind and bind to twist and twirl dancing around the threads of other people. In the undoneness I'd so defended myself against, I found that I could reach into love. I could lean into the arms and kindness of others. In the messiness I'd so feared I met with others who saw into my soul and didn't run as I'd assume they would. So here I live undone and unfurled and yet I've never felt so whole. I wonder what that brings up for you as you've listened

about being undone. You know, when I started therapy in 2010, it was 2010. So what's that many 13, 14 years ago when I started therapy, I was training, I was in training to be a therapist. And I honestly thought that therapy for me was a tick box. I had to do it for my training. I had to tick that box and have my own therapy. And it was just, oh, it was a bit of a financial outlay. And it was just, you know, another thing to put in the diary. Just one of the things I had to do in my training to become a therapist. And I used to sit there. And I was so, done up. I was always neat. I was always meticulous in an articular and on time and never ever late, never ever needing. I didn't even use to drink the glass of water that she would put out for me

every single week. I didn't even want to need the glass of water. I didn't even want to use her resources. I just wanted to sit there, say my part, tick the box and then go again. And I remember her saying once to me, and it was obviously all these years ago and it still resonate. She used to say, Anna, you come to me, you tell me an issue, you tell me what you're going to do about it, and it's all wrapped up and there's no way in. There's no way in. And I thought, oh my gosh, I felt so convicted.

I thought, oh my gosh, it's so true, but I don't know any other way to be. I don't know any other way to be the neat. I don't want to need. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to, I just, I just didn't want any of that. It just felt so scary, the thought of being genuinely vulnerable, where I shared something without my own resolution, without my own, like, this is my plan. You know, this is painful. I've been through this, but this is what I understand and this is what I'm going to do about it. And I think so often we do that, right? We do that. We keep ourselves neat. We fear being seen as unraveled. We fear being seen actually really that's that was really what was going on for me in those years

I felt like there was so much mess inside of me that that to even begin to properly articulate it in a way that needed people to play some kind of role in caring for me or helping me entangle that just felt too painful I can see that now but at that point I felt that was just how I viewed an approach life was I've got an issue I'm going to deal with it. I don't need people. I'm not going to worry anyone. I'm not going to burden anyone. I've got this. And then I had kids and life happened and stuff happened. And if you follow my story, you know, I talk about depression. I talk about postnatal anxiety and postnatal depression and other things that I've been through over the years that actually really forced me to completely unfur and loosen my grip on that. That need to be neat. I couldn't. There were times when I felt so challenged by anxiety and post-nature depression there was absolutely no way I could hold tears in anymore there's no way that I could carry on as normal and it was too exhausting to hold up the mask if I'm fine now you might not be in that messy place you might just have other things that actually

you just keep neatly wrapped up inside and even when you do talk about it you have this impermeable way of talking about it because you don't want anyone to give you advice you don't need anyone's advice you know why you feel that way you know what you've got to do about it and you just got to crack on and cope. And my encouragement is that so often when we approach life through that, it's normally to do with a coping mechanism. It's normally about safety. It may well be that there has been someone or people in your life

who haven't been able to help you navigate difficult emotions, who weren't able to be there for you, who weren't able to support you maybe as a child when things felt scary and hard and unsafe, who weren't able to provide the anchoring or that containment, you know, that nurturing compassion that we try so hard to offer our kids even when everything inside of us is like, ah, this is so hard.

You know, maybe you didn't have that. Or maybe there was just a pertinent relationship in which they weren't able to help you navigate those emotions. So you learned that actually the safest thing to do is just to keep it to myself and sort it out on my own. And actually what I've learned in those experiences in life, in those curveballs in life that found me on my knees and unable to contain myself, unable to be neat anymore, unable to swallow the feelings back. And they came out in the messiest ways. What I found is that the right people,

the right people could handle it. The right people could be there. And I used to think, what is the point in telling people about this stuff? Because they can't do anything. They can't change this about my childhood. They can't bring this person back. They can't take these kinds of thoughts away from me. But we start to realise the absolute power. And it can be really hard to bring clients round to this point of view. And sometimes it is a real journey and a real process in knowing there is such power

in having people stand alongside you in whatever you're going through. There is such power in having people know the behind the scenes and it can feel terrifying. And I remember the first time I spoke out to a friend about challenges that I was having at that point with eating and I was absolutely terrified. I felt like I couldn't get the words out and she was so patient and I honestly thought that she would be shocked and she would basically bin me as a friend and just be like, well, you are so messed up, Anna. I don't know what's due with you, but the compassion that I saw in her response, the compassion

that I felt, the fact that she wasn't put off by me and my undoneness was just so powerfully affirming. And you know what? If you are so defended, maybe even against yourself, that you find it really hard to accept yourself because you've learnt that there are certain ways and just feelings that just aren't acceptable that actually you find it really hard to see those in yourself. Of course, it's going to be hard to believe that anyone can offer anything and add anything to that. Of course, it's going to feel unsafe. But I encourage you with this unfurling, this is how we connect with other people. I honestly thought that my vulnerability would push people away.

And actually, I know now and I know through the work that I do as well, that it's the vulnerability that connects us with the right people. And this is often where, you know, we might open up to someone and they're not the right person. They can't give us what we were hoping for. They can't be there for us. And just really recognize that that is less to do with you and more to do with what resources or insight and understanding and experiences they have. Try again. Try again.

Just nudge that little boundary of vulnerability. Just nudge, just nudge that comfort zone and just give a little bit more. And in time, as you begin to unfurl, as you begin to let other people stand beside you, even if they cannot do anything to help, even if they cannot say anything to ease, whatever challenge it is that you are facing, they can stand with you. And that is powerful. They might not be able to fix it, but you know that you are not alone in it. And you can lean into people.

And I think we have to do that really intentionally sometimes, especially when, you know, sometimes I've said to people, I find it really hard to let you do this for me, but I'm going to challenge myself because I know that I need it and I know that you're willing to give it. So sometimes it's challenging those narratives and letting people be there in giving that little bit more. And this, you know, this is where I live now in this more undone, an unfurled way in what I once would have felt was messy and unkempt and just slightly terrifying. Do you know what? I've never felt so whole and I've I've never felt so connected to other people because this is our humanness and it is not all tidy and it's a lie if we are going to

believe that other people are tidy inside and outs and my tidiness externally was definitely you know a way to make people think I was tidy internally because that's how I really felt I was going to be acceptable to the world but this is a little 10 minutes of rambling but it If any of it has nudged you or touched you, just think, how can I unfur a little bit with someone who feels safe? Just to, yeah, feel that little bit more connected, to lean into those arms or the kindness of other people. Let people see you because then maybe if they see you, you can really challenge that, that perception, that belief that you are too messy for people. people. If they can accept you in your messiness, then maybe you can too. So yeah, hope it's my little ramblings and my unnamed poem were helpful for someone.

Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses on everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website. anamartha.com. And also, don't forget my brand new book, Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.