The Therapy Edit - On mixed feelings that your children are growing up

Episode Date: June 12, 2023

On this solo episode of the Therapy Edit Anna considers how we approach the confusing feelings of sadness and joy about our children growing up.We really hope you enjoy the listen, don't forget to rate, review and subscribe so that you never miss an episode.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello, just me today with a solo episode of The Therapy Edit. I want to talk to you about. Now, I don't know if you've seen posts or articles about how there will be a last time. for everything with our children. The last time that they reach for us to pick them up, the last time that they want us to kiss their bumped knees, the last time that they want to climb into bed with us, the last time, the last time. And I've seen posts like this and it just prompts so many feelings in me. I feel deeply sad. I feel frustrated with myself. I start going into that place if

Oh my gosh, I've not been present enough. I've gone through so many of these last things and I'm so sad that they're the last things. I'm so sad that I just don't feel like I made the most of it all that I really just drank it all down. And I feel guilty because I juggle so much and I don't always feel like I'm mentally there all the time. And I think I just wanted to talk about that. I wanted to talk about the fact that, yes, one day our children won't want us to kiss their brutes is better or help them get dressed. And one day it was the last time that I stopped picking up my now super tall eight-year-old son.

There was the last time that I could swing him onto my hip whilst I did stuff. A last time that I got him dressed. I look at photos and I can't truly remember some of the moments that I'm seeing in front of me. And I feel bad and sad and cross with myself. Where was I? Where was I? I can't remember. I can't remember that moment. It just brings up all sorts of feelings often guilt and not feeling present enough, frustration at ourselves, for taking things for granted and not drinking it in when we could. So if you find yourself feeling all of these feelings, I've got some thoughts for you now often we wear rose tinted glasses when we look back we see the little smiles

the chubby hands we we see a photo of a particular time and it's so easy to forget the overwhelmed the tiredness the tantrums life then was a mixture of so many different things just like it is now the hard and the good, the amazing memories and the deeply challenging and tough moments too. So be aware of when you look back with your rose tinted glasses and you feel frustrated at yourself for not lapping it all up. Some of it, some of it, some of those photos that I see, I know that actually it wasn't all as it seems. I know that perhaps that was one wonderful moment amidst a really, really challenging time that actually I didn't want to drink it down. I didn't want to devour that moment. I wanted it to flip in pass faster than it was. I wanted that day to be over. I wanted

seven o'clock to come so that I could flop on the sofa and have some space and time of my own. Seven o'clock is now no longer anywhere near bedtime in our house. I think our kids are now, they're older down between eight and half eight. There's not that much time left. And there's not that much time left. I quite like going to bed at half nine in my ideal world, but I'm normally eating dinner. Anyway, so just be aware when you're looking back with those rose tinted glasses. And the next thing is we will be forever grieving as parents. And I don't say this in in a bad way. It's just an acknowledgement of a loss of sorts. Grief comes with an acknowledgement of a loss of sorts, something that we love, something that we loved.

And it's not just about the loss of a person, it's a loss of a version of a person. The loss of a little dependence, the loss of a little way that they used to say words. I remember my son used to call the Grinch, used to love watching the Grinch, even though he was slightly scared of him at the same time. But he would call him the crunch and it just made me laugh so much. and another one called his belly button a mammin. And it just made, we loved it. And then, you know, they learn the right words for it.

And you look back and you think, oh, that's gone now. Those little idiosyncrasies, those little things that has brought us so much joy. And there's a grief attached to different kinds of losses. And every season of motherhood, every season of a child's development comes with a gain and a loss. I remember when my daughter moved out of our room. In fact, she ended up in the en suite because the fan was great white noise after a while.

But I really didn't want to let her go. I was quite happy with her in our room and we decided that it was time for her to go into her room. It was definitely time. And it was good, right? I felt, wahoo, I can walk into my room and I can lie with the light on and read my book there's a gain there but there's a loss she's not next to me anymore she's got a

little bit more just independence in herself as she has her own space in her own little room and yeah every season comes with a gain and a loss of sorts let yourself feel sad at what is past it's okay to feel sad and the next thing i want to say is when you look back and you guilt yourself and not always being present. I'll say this. Sometimes we're in survival mode. We need to juggle. That's life.

That's not lack of love. If we pressure ourselves to always be in the moment, just fully in the moment, focused and present in the very moment with our eyes, tunnel vision to what's going on in front of us, what the heck will get done? What the heck will get done

as we're there gazing at our children, drinking them in? What will get done? Dinner doesn't, get cooked like that. Work doesn't get done like that. You know, we need to juggle as mums. That's life. That's not lack of love. Don't guilt yourself for not always being present in the way that we feel like we should be. Especially when you're in survival mode, there were big patches of my early motherhood where I was just scraping by. I wasn't reveling in the moment. I was crawling

my way through it. Again, not lack of love. Now, as soon as you think about the moment, you're in the moment. I love this. We think, I'm not being present, but actually you are. You're in the moment. You're literally living in the moment. Your body is in the moment. What we mean, I think, is just about turning your focus and attention towards what is good and there in front of you for a moment, living in the moment, for a moment. What I mean is, Before I got married, someone gave me a tip, step away and go and stand somewhere that you can look at everyone. They said, drink it in and take a mental picture because otherwise it passes in a blur. It was this real acknowledgement that we're in it. We're in the moment. It

passes in a blur because we are present in it moving through it. And I love this. I love this tip. And when I look back to my wedding day, it was this moment where I stood on this kind of balcony thing, watching everyone dance and talk to each other. And I stood and I looked and I looked around and I, and I, I just, I took it in the sound, the sights, the atmosphere and it's still blurry now. It's blurry, of course, it's 15 years down the line we've been married. But that is the moment I remember and I use this in parenting. It's busy.

It's full on. It's noisy. It's demanding. But every now and again, I will pause. I will stop. I will go. I will sit next to it. I will hold. I will talk to. I will gaze at. I will stroke a hand. I will sit next to them on the

sofa cuddling whilst they watch TV after school. Every now and again, I pause and I put myself really in that moment intentionally with my focus in that moment. And that, that is enough. That is good. Another couple of tips is to address anxiety. If you've got anxiety that is purling you into the future far away from the present into things that have not and may never happen. Find some tools for that because we can reclaim headspace and presence a bit more when we address anxiety. I've got the reframing anxiety course on my website. My book, My Dave and Mother will also help you do this and loads of other podcasts down there, what you call it, down the podcast list on the therapy edit that you'll find loads

of them on anxiety. And find ways to have boundaries so that you can create these little pockets of time with your kids, just pockets. For me, it's putting my phone down if they're coming to the room. The days I feel sad are often the ones that are swept by without these pauses. So I try and pause what I'm doing to look into their faces when they talk to me, for example, and just spend a few moments with each child before they go to bed. That's golden for me and golden for them. And these are the moments that will punctuate our memories when everything will inevitably feel like a blur. Oh motherhood, hey. Hope that's helpful. Thank you so much for listening. Please do take a moment to subscribe, rate and review as it really helps get these words out to benefit more

juggling parents like us. And head to anamatha.com to find my resources on everything from health anxiety to people pleasing, starting at only £20. And finally, don't forget to pre-order my new book, Raising a Happier Mother, How to to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. I can't wait for you to have that. Take care and we'll chat soon.