The Therapy Edit - On navigating life's unfairness

Episode Date: August 12, 2024

In this, the fifth of a special ten part series of The Therapy Edit, Anna talks through the second of The Uncomfortable Truths; Life is Unfair.The Uncomfortable Truth: Change Your Life By Taming 10 of Your Mind's Greatest Fears is Anna's 5th book was published on the 8th August.Order your copy here Here's a teaser from Anna about what to expect in this long-awaited, transformative book.‘Some people don’t like me”“Bad things will happen to people I love”“I’m going to fail”… these words underpinned my anxieties and nightmares. I bet they feature in yours too.Our fears are anchored in the unavoidable truths of life; all things reach an end, bad things happen, and we lack the control we crave.As an experienced psychotherapist, who’s had years of therapy, I realised that ploughing endless energy into trying to control the uncontrollable is keeping us all tired, wired, and worried. Ignoring fears doesn’t make them less true, it makes them more powerful. I decided to try a different tact and it changed my world.Instead of doing everything I could to ease and avoid life’s uncomfortable truths, I sought a deeper acceptance of them. Through using this approach, my clients and I discovered that fear began to loosen its grip. We were living more intentionally and peacefully.So, face your fears one a chapter at a time, and discover who you are without worry, doubt and people-pleasing holding you back.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello, I hope today's episode finds you well. I am actually going to be talking about unfairness today. And I'm sat here thinking I'm fully aware that when this episode comes out, the book will be with you. And that is just a wild, a wild feeling. And I really hope that if you have got your hands on a copy, that you are thoroughly enjoying it. And in these episodes, so this is episode five of the mini series

talking about each uncomfortable truth. And we're going to be talking about life's unfairness. But you can flip to the book to talk about this and think about this and learn about this and so much more depth so that you can really put it into practice. But this is more of a little insight with some. small things to think about on the topic. So today's truth that we are addressing is the fact that life isn't fair. I'm going to share an excerpt as I have been doing and then a tip or two on how to get a little bit more comfortable with the uncomfortable truth. So the truth of it is

bad things happen to bad people. Bad things happen to good people too. Children die. Random attacks happen. Innocent people get sentenced to death row while the guilty were in free. Less qualified candidates achieve the promotions, leaving the one who really deserve the job in the lurch. Unless you're always winning, everything goes your way and things constantly fall into the perfect place for you, and that'd be amazing, then you're probably very aware of life's unfairness. Perhaps this truth the washers over you, or maybe it cuts you deeply. I'm betting it's probably a little bit of both in awe that lies in between.

You let a board game cheat win because they're younger than you. That goes on in our house. Sometimes I just cannot be dealing with the fallout. But then sometimes you lie awake with red, hot rage searing through your veins because someone publicly undermined you to make themselves look good.

Life is generally a survival of the fittest. And even then, it's not fair race. is that people have different advantages thanks to where they were born, what families they were born into, and what physical attributes they have. We are all dealt a hand of cards before we even arrive into this world.

Curveballs swipe even the healthiest, fittest and most academic individuals and sickness and cancers don't discriminate us. Many of us know too well. If life's a race, it's not a fair one. But it's not to say that we aren't all competing in this unfair game. The awareness of life's unpredictability and unfairness is actually what keeps you making decisions to better your life and to ensure that the good things

within it stay there. So why do we find it hard and what would it be like if you felt less frustration in some ways about that unfairness? You know, this isn't an excerpt on the book, but just a thought that popped into my mind. When my sister died of cancer, when she was nearly seven, it was unfair. It's not fair. She was a sweet, good little cheeky, albeit girl, she was a child. If it was about fairness, then maybe it should have been someone else.

Instead, maybe someone who was cruel and unkind. If it worked like that, it shouldn't have been her. And we could have either shaken our fists at the same, the world for years to come and people would have expected that it's not fair this shouldn't have happened this shouldn't have happened but what happens when we can accept that some places in those deep dark painful things that we go through that life's unfairness is because it is just unfair and that is the uncomfortable truth we save so much energy we can put that energy instead into nurturing ourselves and others and finding ways to navigate that, that pain, that loss, that grief,

that frustration, whatever it may be you. We put a lot of energy into shaking our fist about life's unfairness. And when you see unfairness, it's not saying it's a bad thing to be activated by unfairness. Think about all the charities that have come about and I write about this. Because of that frustration, that's not fair. That's not fair. So fairness is something we always need to seek. It's something we always need to strive for, but could do better in some areas of just leaning into that the fact that it is just a truth and that sometimes that acceptance actually frees us up. So here are two reasons as to why it might be hard to accept this truth. Number one, because you see good things happen to good people all the time, right?

those who work hard get better results, those who invest in friendships kindly, often have good people around them. So yeah, being good often welcomes good. So it's a drive to strive. It's a driver to striver. You take inspiration from those who've achieved and we look for formulas and guidance and self-help so that we can reach the goals that other people have mastered. Believing good things happen to good people motivates us to be good people, right? And on the whole, it's true. But then the flip side of that is that painful side that bad things happen to bad people and what happens when bad things happen to good people. So the focus is so often on the good things happening when actually as we kind of zoom out, we come to that greater awareness of all the grays that sit in between actually

it really challenges that and can just, yeah, shift our perspective a little bit to encompass the bigger picture and find a fresh acceptance. Another reason we might find it hard is to try and avoid pain. We might try to avoid accepting the truth that life is unfair because we hope that fairness can protect us from pain and heartbreak. If we're good to someone, then they'll be good to you. You know, it's likely, it's more likely people will be good to you if you are good to them. But it's not always true. Is it, you will know those relationships where you have been good and thoughtful and relentlessly tried to please that person and they have not been good. to you. You know, that sense that if you work hard at your job, then you won't lose it. And

we all know people in life, if not ourselves, that have plowed away at a job and given everything and then lost it. So we want to, we want to lean into fairness because we want things to be fair. And there's nothing wrong with that. But it can help us, yeah, just seeing it slightly differently can help us become a little bit more accepting of all the grades as well. So here are two step still come a little bit more accepting of that grey area, that truth of life. It's number one to step out of victimhood. If you know that you are in that place of victimhood, you know, it's not fair. This shouldn't have happened to me. Why did this happen to me? You know what? It's not fair. It's not fair that certain things happened to certain people. It is not fair that someone treated you

or spoke to you in the way that they did. They should not have done that. That is not fair. But when our focus is purely on self-protection and just nursing our wounds as it's okay to do. But when we stay in that place, we stop being proactive and it becomes harder to move through any pain or anger, harder to process it, harder to reclaim our stories. In therapy, often people begin to get insight into how certain relationships and childhood impacted them. And they make the connection. And I see this happen all the time that some of their present-day feelings are actually driven by historic hurts. And when we start recognising the impact on us when it comes to unfairness, we can be that victim. We can be a victim. You can be a victim and decide not to lean into

that victimhood of it's not fair. It's not fair. There shouldn't have happened and stay there. You know, it's okay to acknowledge that you're a victim and what happens should not have happened. but living in that state of victimhood can make us feel unable and disempowered to find a way forward for ourselves and reclaimed stories. You can recognise the way you've lived, feeling like the victim,

and now you want to move forward. And to do this, you must have your feelings heard and validated and I speak more about this in the book. So number two, let go of entitlement. So let go of the belief that everyone is entitled to great things. You know, it's really humbling to. realize if you think back how much of your life came to you because of luck or timing or a chance meeting of healthy sperm with a healthy egg. And it's a really sobering realization. Yes, we work hard.

We work hard. But also there is some luck and timing in there as well. So it nudges us towards this awareness of privilege and a sense of gratitude. You might have worked hard to increase the chances of good things happening, but life doesn't owe you anything because it's not fair like that. cannot control the outcome as much as you think. But this isn't doom and gloom if you think about it. It's actually so liberating. If what happens isn't fundamentally and entirely a result of your input, then you can let go of some of the anger or injustice that you feel where maybe you don't need to feel it and you can reclaim some of that energy. And also, you can enjoy good things coming your way that will never be earned or deserved. So amazing things will happen in your life that

and nothing to do with fairness. So I hope that gives you a little bit to think about when it comes to life's unfairness and just sitting a little differently with that uncomfortable truth. And yeah, I hope you love the book. I can't wait to hear how you get on. Take care.

I am so excited to announce that my brand new book, The Uncomfortable Truth, Change Your Life by Taming Ten of Your Mind's Greatest Fears, is available for pre-order now and is out on the 8th of August. And in this book, we tackle some of life's big, unavoidable, uncomfortable truths, such as some people don't like me.

I am going to fail. Life isn't fair. Bad things will happen. And in this book, we tackle these big, uncomfortable trees that rob us of so much headspace and energy as we try and control and avoid them. And as we move into a place of radical acceptance of these truths, you will find yourself living more freely and intentionally with more presence. and confidence than ever before.

So come on this journey with me and pre-order now at Wardstones in Amazon. We can celebrate together.