The Therapy Edit - On not feeling good enough

Episode Date: August 7, 2023

In this Monday solo episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna offers out 3 steps to address the feeling of not being good enough.We hope you enjoy, please don't forget to subscribe, rate and review so more people can benefit from Anna's grounding and therapeutic words.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello, welcome to today's solo episode of The Therapy Edit. Today I am talking about how we approach not feeling good enough. I have sat with this feeling. my whole life. And I know that in many ways we are good enough. We're good enough in and of our messy, flawed human failing sometimes state. We are told that we are enough. But how can we don't flipping feel enough? How can we still battle with perfectionism feeling like we're not hitting the mark, feeling like we're failing at the things we do and the people that we love? It's so

hard, isn't it? And I think there are a few different layers to it. And I want to just chat some through. I haven't got a script today. Rarely I do, I do these, record these without a script. But it's just something that I've been thinking about recently. And I've launched a group coaching course, an intensive course. So I've been working with seven amazing moms. And this topic of not feeling good enough is just something we talk about all the time. We come back to that. So number one, sometimes we are not good enough and I think we need to recognise when we are saying these things about the entirety of who we are. If you are saying to yourself, you're not good enough. That is a massive statement to be making about the entirety of who you are. You're not saying, oh, that wasn't ideal. Oh, that wasn't quite good enough there. You're saying, I am not good enough and the heart hears what the mouth speaks those are two incredibly different messages I might say to my son who hits the other child I might say oh that wasn't really ideal that wasn't great there are other ways to address that that emotion that came out sideways

but for me to say to him you are mean you are rubbish you are not good enough those are statements about the entirety of who he is and understandably these are powerful things, powerful narratives. And where those come from and where they originate from, that's almost a whole other episode. But first of all, I want to draw your attention to those times in which you are making these statements about the entirety of who you are. You know, you in and of yourself, flawed messy human, against correct standards, you are enough. Now, in another term, sometimes we do things that are not good enough. sometimes we lie sometimes we mess up sometimes we hurt each other and we know that actually

against our normal standards that that wasn't okay so avoid making that statement of not being good enough against who you are recognize that that behavior that parenting moment that wasn't aligned with your values question whether that value that value is too perfectionist you know I might say to myself, it is never, ever, ever, ever, okay to shout at my child. Now, I would rather not shout at my kids. I'd rather respond to them in a more measured and considered way. But it will happen sometimes and I am aware of that. Sometimes it all gets too much. Sometimes it all gets messy and it all spills up and I haven't met my feelings and my needs enough to be able to moderate my own emotional response. So yeah, it's not good enough, but it doesn't mean that I, to the core of

who I am, are not good enough. It's a little flag that pops up and says, Anna, that wasn't ideal. What do we need to do here? What do we need to address? What need is being overlooked? Do we need to get a new tool? So separate it out, you not being good enough and a behavior, perhaps, not being good enough because those are two very, very different things. One is a statement about who you are. The other is a little flag that pops up saying, we need to address this. Now, another little layer of not feeling good enough that I would love to talk about is the fact that you're never going to be enough. You are not enough. So many of the things that you expect and ask of yourself, you are never going to be enough. You are never going to be enough to be everyone to one person. You are never

going to be enough, have enough patience, resources, time and energy to always get it right. You're never going to be fast enough, clever enough, anything strong enough for the world's standards, which are often just a huge mixture of high standards mush together that we can hold ourselves against. So I think for me, there was a real relief in recognizing that I was never going to be enough for much of these standards. And that is not my failing. That is a result of my humanness. And so many of the things that come out sideways are a result of my humanness, not a core, not a core truth of who I am. So sometimes it can just be a real relief, a real permission to recognize that I am not enough.

for all of those standards out there and many of the ones that I hold myself against because those don't take into account my humanness. Now, how many of the standards that you hold yourself against? So let's go back to the shouting one. It is never, ever, ever acceptable to shout ever. Sometimes if we actually unpick the circumstances, we think about, for example, this morning I had a really hard morning.

I shouted at my son and I took time afterwards to hold him to apologize to take responsibility to explain to reconnect to repair it's going to happen and if I'm just to say to myself that inhuman perfectionist standard of it is never okay then then I'm just going to be moving straight off to guilt and shame and that doesn't repair anything that means that that energy goes into beating myself up and nothing happens. I then just feel so guilty. I want to make it better. I'll probably buy treats after school and actually recognising my humanness, acknowledging it, talking to him about it. That's allowed for repair. So another sense, another layer of not feeling good enough. I think it's sometimes that we can apply our perfectionism to address that feeling in

itself. So perhaps you know that you are enough and you're not good enoughness. And some of the things that you do that aren't enough, actually you can address those and seek support and meet needs. So perhaps you acknowledge that. Perhaps you want to, you want to embody that. Perhaps you want to cut yourself a bit more slack. But often what we're going to do, especially if we've got perfectionist tendencies is apply our perfectionism to our belief of not being good enough and being good enough in our not good enoughness. I hope this is making sense to you. We're good enough in our humanness. We're doing the best we can with what we have and that is good enough. We will never be enough to reach the world standards and all of those, you know, the books that we have on our

shells, all those ideals, we will never be good enough to consistently meet those. But often what we do is we can apply our own perfectionism to really living this out. You know, I remember learning about critical internal dialogue and I really wanted to address this. So I applied my perfectionism and I just scrutinized every single thought that came through my head and it was utterly, utterly exhausting. And I felt like I was failing because I was applying my perfectionism to just trying to nurture and develop myself. And this is what we can do. So recognize where you are applying your perfectionism as you work on this acknowledgement of your good enoughness. Where are you beating yourself up for not embracing that? You know, in that moment I really had

to go at myself. Goodness, I'm not good enough at this addressing my not good enoughness. good enoughness. So just go gently on yourself. Just go gently on yourself. Think about where are those margins for humanness? Because you've criticised yourself for not being good enough in that moment. Where is your margin for humanness?

Where is your compassion for the fact that you're doing the best you can with what you have? And if you're not, and in that moment you weren't doing the best you could with what you knew. well that's that's our not good enoughness too and that's okay how can we move forward from that place without blame and shame thank you so much for listening please do take a moment to

subscribe rate and review as it really helps get these words out to benefit more juggling parents like us and head to anamatha.com to find my resources on everything from health anxiety to people pleasing starting at only 20 pounds and finally don't forget to pre-order my new book raising a happier mother how to find balance feel good and see your children flourish as a result i can't wait for you to have that take care and we'll chat soon