The Therapy Edit - On one simple tool for comparison

Episode Date: November 6, 2023

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna offers listener a simple and grounding technique to help you compare yourself to others less.Listen to this episode and learn how NOT to fall into a comparison trap. We really hope it's a help.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. Welcome to today's solo episode of The Therapy Edit. I'm smiling as I recall this because the topic that I'm talking about is just casting my mind back to just some moments with my mom. where we would go shopping together. I just, to be honest, I can't be bothered with shopping anymore. I rarely go shopping. I find it quite stressful.

I often don't know what I want or really what I need or I've got something very specific in mind and I can't actually find it. So I tend to just, I head to vinted or I go online. I do love a little mosey around the shops with a friend. But I just don't really have the time that much these days. So shopping isn't really my pastime. I used to love going shopping. at school and college, we just spend like a whole Saturday just roaming the shops with friends,

not even necessarily buying anything with my pocket money. But yeah, I used to find it really fun. Maybe one day, maybe one day. I'll enjoy that again in the same way. But anyway, that's why I'm grinning as I hit record because I want to talk today about a tool to help reduce comparison. We all know how that feels. We see someone doing something. We know. someone has achieved something or we just observe on social media how someone is doing something or responding or behaving or living. And suddenly what we do is we find ourselves feeling rubbish. We find ourselves feeling like we should be doing that. We should be achieving that. We should be loving that thing or whatever it might be. Whatever it might be. So the reason I thought about

my mum and I shopping when I was thinking about comparison was that we'd go shopping right and she would pick something off the round she'd say Anna what about this this would look really nice on you know what about this and I would think oh it's not this is not really for me that's not really the kind of thing that I would choose but I wouldn't want to say to her oh no gosh absolutely not that's not for me and the same would happen in the other in the other way I'd find something and I'd say, what about this, mom? This would look really nice on you. And she'd go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you'd just get a sense that the other person was, it just wasn't for them. So we coined this phrase and it would say that's nice for you, not for me. That's nice for you, not for me. And we still use it now. It must be, I don't know, 20 years later more. And we laugh as we say it. And it's just this, you know, that's nice for you. I like that for you.

it's it's not for me i like that for your preferences your style your your your way your whatever it is but actually yeah it's just not for me and i absolutely love this because it's that recognition that just because someone likes something and they do it a certain way it doesn't mean that it's right for me and i think i spend a lot of time on social media that's a lot of where i share. And as I record this, we are going into autumn. So there's all the chat, you know, the cozy chat, the pumpkin spice latte is popping up. We've got pumpkins on doorsteps and we've got just all these beautiful cozy scenes and beautifully carved pumpkins. I mean, I cannot. I don't know how people do it. My brother can do the most incredible things with pumpkins. He's in the army.

Maybe that's it. He's got some good knife skills. But yeah, for me, I can barely carve a couple of eyes and, you know, as some really, really terrible wonky smile. But as I see all of these things, it's so easy to fall into that comparison trap of, oh, should I be doing that? Should I be doing that? Should I be giving my kids this part of Christmas? Should I be leaning into this part of this season?

Should I be creating this, loving that, doing that with my time? But actually, if we really think about it and ask ourselves, is that a bit of you? Is that how you want to spend your time? Is that something that will bring you joy? Is that something that you have the resources for? You want to do a Christmas ball ball explosion into your living room? You might. You might get your fun.

You might get your fun in that way. You might absolutely relish in making your kids. the most amazing meals, you know, laid out like little landscapes or animals. And that might be how you get your fun. But I think often when you're on looking, you're looking into what other people are doing, we can immediately move to this place of, oh, should I be doing that? Or what I'm doing is rubbish? What I'm doing is not enough? When actually, is it for you? Is that what you have the resources for right now? Is that what you have the time for? Is that your style? Is that what you naturally lean towards?

Is someone's wearing this? And you think, should I be looking like that? Should I be wanting? I'm still in the leggings, the leggings fashion. I don't even think leggings are a fashion anymore. I think it's all about the flares. But they're not for me. They're not for me.

And I think a few years ago I would have thought, oh, I have to buy some flares because everyone's buying flares. And now, I just see, you know what, that's nice for you. But it's not for me. It's that, that's just not for me. as I see all these amazing pumpkin doorstep things. You know, I think, you know what? That's fun for you.

That is nice for you. But it's not for me. It's not for me. That's not something I am going to do. And I think the great thing about this is that acknowledgement that it is nice for someone else. And I think sometimes if we are comparing ourselves and there can be so much ridiculous Ridicule. Why would they do that? Why would they spend the time and the effort doing that?

And we can almost tear down other people's decisions by way of trying to justify that we're not engaging in these things when actually, you know what? If that is someone's fun, if that is what they enjoy, then bless them. Bless them. Send them on their way to enjoy that thing. And I am glad you are finding something that is bringing you joy in this world of of chaos where there is so much hard stuff going on. If it brings you joy, great for you. But it's not for me. And it's, I just think that's great. I saw a whole thread the other day kind of tearing down or just criticizing people who do these gender reveal parties. You know, the big party, the cake and it's pink or it's blue or they pop a blune and it's pink or it's blue.

And they were saying this is just, it's not right, it's commercialism. But do you know what? I think sometimes again in these situations it's thinking, you know what? That's nice for you. I'm glad that you are finding your joy in this wild world. That that brings you joy, that you are doing something that makes you happy. You are doing something that is in line with a little bit of who you are. You want to celebrate that. That's great for you. But a gender reveal party isn't for me. And that is okay. We don't need to tear down other people's decisions or ridicule them or make jokes out of them to justify the fact that we don't want to be engaged in them. I don't need to, you know, when I was shopping with my mom, I didn't need to say, oh, oh, why would you know that that is not for me? Why would you even take that off the rail? Do you not know me? Just that little phrase, it's nice for you.

It's great that you, that you love that. But I wouldn't wear that. We're different. And that's the beauty of it. That's the beauty of it. I think sometimes when we see things and we make statements about what we should or shouldn't be doing or that we're doing too much or we're not doing enough based on what someone else is doing, it can just be so freeing to think, you know what, that's how you find your joy. Amazing. I'm going to go and do something different or I'm not going to do that.

or whatever it may be, it's nice for you, but it's not for me. I love it. And I hope that it's helpful for you as well. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses on everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website anamatha.com. And also don't forget my brand new book Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.