The Therapy Edit - On one way to be more confident

Episode Date: August 21, 2023

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit Anna offers out some advice to mums about how they can be a little more confident, authentic and consequently happier.Simple tips, but important ones to hold at the forefront of your mind as you walk through motherhood.#confidence #maternalmentalhealth #authenticity

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi there. Welcome to a solo episode of the Therapy Edit. I am recording three episodes in a row today. And I'm really happy. I'm really happy because I was just sitting there and it was lunchtime. And I suddenly remembered that last night I got Domestic. knows pizza and that there was loads of it left in the fridge and it just made me so happy. And it made me think of that quote that I've shared a few times that if we're grateful for the big things, you know, if we let those big things be the things that bring us happiness will be happy, joyful some of the time. But if we're grateful for the little things like the cold

pizza in the fridge, we'll feel that joy a lot more often. And it really just gave me a great little burst of joy there, something that maybe a few years ago I wouldn't really have thought of a remarkable fun thing, but that just shows how much gratitude and implementing kind of intentional gratitude in our life that if we keep doing it intentionally and we just start noticing the small things, then it starts being totally unintentional and, you know, and un-effortful and you just start getting excited about silly little things. they bring you joy, when before they would have been unremarkable. Anyway, that's not even what I'm talking about today.

I am talking about on one way to be more confident. And it's not exactly how, like, you're not going to expect this answer. But as I was skimming through the book, the book Raising a Happy Mother. And I was just looking at all the different quotes and all the different titles and topics in there and thinking, what can I share with you today? because that's what I'm doing in my podcast at the moment. I'm just sharing little snippets. So this one is on one way to be more confident because most people I work with and speak to. Most women I coach, they want to be more confident. Who doesn't want to be more confident? And I often think, well, what is confidence? What does it actually mean to be confident?

Because we all know those times when we've tried to fake it to make it. We all know those times and I know them so well because I do it a lot when I walk into the room and I put on a confident face and a confident voice and a confident walk where inside I am anxious or I'm nervous or I've got those kind of butterflies that you don't know whether their excitement or nerves or what in your tummy is churning and you just feel so hyper aware of everything that you're doing and how you're moving and what gaps there are in conversation. you know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean, then that's great. I've got lots of stuff on social anxiety where I share tips and tools. I've got a sofa session or a workshop on my website called, I think it's just called on the social anxiety workshop. That is very creative of me.

But so a lot of people want more confidence. What I'm talking about is that authenticity. Confidence can be not saying something because actually you don't. want to say something and you've got nothing to say even though everyone else is talking. Confidence can be saying, no, thank you. I don't like that. Confidence can be saying, oh, do you mind if I grab a glass of water? It might be saying, oh, do you know what? I'd love to do that, but my week is full on and I really just need the weekend just to slob around where I can. So thank you so much for inviting me to your birthday party. How else can we celebrate at another time?

That's confidence. That is confidence. So my tip for confidence, and this is a little one of the subtitles in the book where it says that this is the last chapter, keep fending off the fakery. And then I've got a quote from someone who contributed and she said, to those around me who think I've got it sussed, well, I'm a liar and a cheat and you wouldn't believe the truth. So what I'm saying here is that true confidence, think isn't about loudness, it isn't about walking into a room and feeling totally at ease. I think it's really just about how authentic you can be. And we can't all go around in all contexts and all situations with our heart on our sleeve,

telling everyone, actually, I'm not okay because I'm literally premenstrual and I'm feeling the rage right now. You know, that's not always appropriate. Sometimes it is way more appropriate than we may have thought. before. I'm a lot more honest with my friends now as to how I'm feeling and people that ask me I'm a lot more likely to cry on people than I would have done before. So how can you fend off the fakery? We can't do it all the time. I've got an example in the book of how, you know, in the pandemic, we'd often, well, I often would wear like a shirt on the top and then some like,

you know, dirty lounge wear on the bottom half. And that's just a bit of fakery, isn't it? That's just kind of, this is kind of socially acceptable. People don't really know what corners I'm cutting here. It's not saying, right, just go in a full on loungeware into work because that's what you feel like doing. We all know that there are social norms and things that we need to adhere to. But where are you faking it? Where is your behaviour, what you're saying, what you're expressing actually really quite different to how you're feeling and what you're thinking and what you need? Are you expressing, oh, fine, I'm all good, when actually what you really need is to be moving towards someone, not nudging them away and trying to encourage them not to worry about you.

I've got a little story in the book about how there was a mum at school and she was saying how she'd bought these brownies from the shop for the bake sale thing. And she'd bought these brownies and she just roughed them up a little bit and she took them out of the card tray and she put them on a plate and stuck some cling film over so that no one would know that she that she'd faked it and I thought that's an amazing idea I might do that and then I realized actually what is more authentic in this situation it's just a silly example right it's a silly example I'm sure I have way better examples than this and you might be able to think of some too but it's just a little metaphorily isn't it and I think it's so tempting isn't it just to

try and find ways around to fake just so that we can tick the boxes we can we can do the thing that feels easiest to us whilst also giving off the impression that we're ticking the boxes and we're doing the right stuff hey here's a here's something I made at the bake sale whereas inside I'm like aha I didn't make it oh gosh I should have done but I didn't have time and the gap between who we present of ourselves and the truth can be really wide sometimes and that's when we can feel like impostors and sometimes we can feel like imposters in our own lives. If you ever felt like that, you've been with people that really care about you, that really know you, and actually, you know there's so much hidden. You know that there's so much that they're

not seeing, that you're not letting them in on. Maybe you're saying, yeah, I'm fine when actually you're not. Maybe we're saying, I don't need help when actually that would be incredibly helpful. maybe you're saying sure i'll take that on to your boss when inside you're saying i actually don't know how i'm going to fulfill this extra piece of work i've just taken on there when and how in your life and your day to day can you just start fending off the fakery and answering and responding and expressing just that little bit more in line with your authentic self where might you do that the other day my friend dropped me a quick message And I was like, hi, getting on.

I was like, which answer do you want? There are many answers. So I said, yeah, well, right. But there's obviously a longer answer to that. Why don't we have a phone call? And I think sometimes it is just a case of giving that little bit more insight and thinking, I can't give it all now. It's sometimes too much, isn't it, to say the truth of it all,

especially if you're just passing someone in town or as you go about life. And actually, maybe this isn't a good. time for you to explore being a bit more authentic in your response. But where can you? Where feels right? Where can you be that little bit more honest? Where if someone says, how can I help you? Even if it's just a case of, you know, you're shopping and someone says, can I help you with the buggy? And everything inside of you wants to say, no, I'm fine. And actually, what would it be like to say, sure, that would be great because authentically, you know that it's just a bit, yeah, just a bit of a fath and a hand would just make things easier. So start noticing that

little voice inside of you that often says something very different to what comes out of your mouth and just start taking risks, little risks where you can to be that little bit more authentic. And honestly, this feeds confidence. this with confidence because you start realizing quite how much people can handle the authentic you. Thank you so much for listening. Please do take a moment to subscribe, rate and review as it really helps get these words out to benefit more juggling parents like us. And head to anamatha.com to find my resources on everything from health anxiety to people pleasing, starting at only £20. And finally, don't forget to pre-order my new book.

raising a happier mother, how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. I can't wait for you to have that. Take care and we'll chat soon.