The Therapy Edit - On questioning your identity

Episode Date: October 17, 2022

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit Anna considers how mums start to question their identity as they settle into the roll of motherhood. She shares the section on 'Who Am I?" from the Little Book of Calm for New Mums and offers grounding thoughts on how we can reconnect with ourselves and accept who we are.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, Psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi and welcome to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. This is just a solo one, so it's just me sharing something for the next 10 minutes. And I wanted to share a thought with you about how often we question our identity as moms. You know, we might think back to pre-kids, who we were, what we enjoyed, what it felt like to be us and wonder where and how that all changed. Where did we go? Where have I gone amidst all amidst everything that I'm doing each day and everything that I'm facilitating for the kids? So I have picked up my book, The Little Book of Calm, the New Mums,

and I'm going to read the section to you because basically all the sections are in response, just a few pages in response to different feelings and states that you might be experiencing. So I'm going to read you the one that says, who am I? For the moments where you're just wondering, where have I gone? And the little mantra, so each chapter has a mantra, it says, now is not forever. We know that, don't we? We know that now is just a moment in time and it's not forever. But sometimes the feelings, the challenges that we're at experiencing are so kind of feeling so all-encompassing and so intense that we can lose that sense of perspective. You know, it's like the peak of a labour contraction, you know, where

you just feel like, there are moments where you feel like it's never going to be normal again, you're never going to feel okay again. And sometimes we need that moment of, we need to just touch on that prospectiveness to remind ourselves that this season of life that we're living in, this stage of life is just a stage. It's just a time. And I look back to so many of the different challenging parts of motherhood to do with routine, especially in those early days where I just think, I'm literally never going to sleep again. My child is never going to sleep. All these tantrums are never going to stop. Or, you know, I don't know. I'm always going to be facing this challenge in my relationship or my friendships. And actually, you know, we know when we look back that things do change

and they do move and they do change shape and they shift. But sometimes in the moment, you know, just reminding ourselves to remember, to zoom out a little bit and know that this time, it's just, it's a chunk of time. So yeah, I'm going to read the words to you. Who am I? Now is not forever. Every moment that passes, add something to who you are. even when you're sitting still on the sofa pinned down by a sleeping baby to expect yourself

to always feel acquainted with this current version of you at a time in life where everything is changing more often than the British weather is a tall order. Do you find yourself doing that that we're just always trying to, you know, so often we're just trying to get to know ourselves and get used to ourselves and actually, you know, everything is always changing. We wake up Every day is a different version of ourselves. And sometimes we can overanalyze ourselves in a way and want to grasp, you know, grasp a hold of a certain stage or a certain version of ourselves when actually we're always changing,

we're always transitioning, we're always moving. So to feel acquainted with a current version of you at a time in life where everything is changing more often than the British weather is a tall order. This is an incredibly intense period in your life, demanding so much time and energy it can be tricky to see the wood for the trees when you're using all of your available energy and resources

to help you find your feet in this new, ever-changing normal. Now, I know that in this section I'm referring to kind of those early months and years of motherhood but actually I currently have a three-year-old he's a six-year-old I cannot get that right, I cannot go that wrong

I'll be in trouble, he's just turned six they don't like it when you get the rage it's wrong do they understandably. So a three-year-old or six-year-old and a seven-year-old. And it's still always changing. It's still, you know, there's so many stages that we're still transitioning through. Things are changing. Schools are shifting. There's, there are endings. And a lot of my available energy and resources I'm using it to help me find my feet in this new, ever-changing normal. So regardless of what parenting stage you're at, how old your child or your children are, I'm sure you'll relate. I remember finding it.

hard to even imagine a time where I'd not be dreaming of bedtime at lunchtime or leaving the house laden down with a suitcase size bag of essentials delayed by a pill explosion or another feed, but that time did come. The things that make me feel like me require energy. For me, they're laughing with friends, writing creatively, walks in nature, thinking clearly, reading good books, enjoying being with family. When I go through times of change or overwhelm, I have less available energy and fewer resources to engage in or enjoy these things. Books gather dust, words don't come easily when writing emails, let alone books, and I'm too tired to fight the anxious thoughts that draw my attention from being more present with those I love. That energy will return,

I promise you, as life settles into more of a rhythm. And don't forget, grief can come with change. Not because you don't appreciate the stage of life you're at now, but because you miss elements of how you felt when you had freedom and energy and more abundance. Don't we do that? We kind of look back and we think, oh my gosh, I used to have that energy to do this and think about that or engage in this thing. And I just don't have that at the moment. As you find your feet, I encourage you to think about those things that make you feel like you. What are they? What are those things that make you feel like you? Who are the people you can most be yourself around? What did you do for fun?

What were you doing when you'd lose track of time and the rest of the world would turn into a blur as you engaged in this activity? This is called a flow state. You know, when you're doing something that you love or you're in a situation that you're just so immersed in it that you're not even thinking about time, you're not even thinking about things that you're worried about,

things that you've got to do tomorrow. And it's a really wonderful state to be in. It's actually so good for our mental health and sense of self and confidence and our heart rate and our stress levels. It's an amazing thing to seek if you can. How can you do small versions of those things now? What are those things that you love doing?

How can you do small versions of those things that fit with your current energy levels and your current resources and your current capacity? What did I used to do? Oh, I used to love going running, actually. I really hate now. My knees can't handle it. I'm 36.

I don't know if my needs should be like this now, but they are. I just can't. I can't do it. So what do I do instead? I do some like gentle stretching. I do some yoga. I like going on the static exercise bike. You know, what, I'm not going to be going out for hour long runs these days,

but I can do 10 minutes, five minutes of stretching in the garden. That's what I've been doing recently. So how can you do little bits of those things, even if your time and your resource and your energy don't allow you to do the things that you'd really love to do, how can you still do a little something for me those things were listening to a few minutes of audio book as I fell asleep rather than force my tired eyes to read they were to get out for a walk each day even if it was a speedy trip round the block and to commit to messaging or speaking to a friend or family member daily even if it was a quick text message I would type disjointed creative

thoughts into my phone notes rather than sit at a laptop I literally have about 60,000 words of disjointed creative notes on my phone. And that's okay. You know, how can you nod to and honour those parts of yourself? It's okay to miss yourself. It's okay to dream of a stage when you'll have more time and energy to do the things that make you feel like you. It's more than okay. It's entirely normal. Go gently on yourself. You are not gathering dust. You are not gathering dust. Parts of you are not gathering dust. You have not gone. You are just loving and living in a different way. And that is hugely productive in itself. For everything there is a time. And motherhood isn't a time to wave goodbye to who you are. No, it's a time to get what you can

for yourself that strengthens you and brings you joy. You are deserving of joy. We spend so much time as moms, don't we? Facilitating joy for other people. But you are deserving of doing the things that bring you enjoyment. Even if that's the only end goal, you are deserving of that. You are deserving of that. Even it was just a little bite-sized chunk. So often we can overlook the bite-sized chunks and think, you know what, I don't want to eat a bite-sized chunk when I'm hungry for the full meal. But actually, that bite-sized chunk is going to give you. use something. We don't think, oh, I'm not going to put my phone on charge for 10 minutes when the battery is low and I've got to go out because that 10 minutes will give me something. That 10 minutes

will give me that opportunity to communicate if I need to. You know, we don't overlook that. So don't overlook those little bite-sized chunks that arise in your day and in your life. There's little opportunities that might not be everything you're hungering for, but it is something to give you that little touch, that little sense of yourself, to engage. in that part of you that should not be sitting dusty on a shelf. So the tip for this chapter is to make a note in your mind or written down of the things that strengthen you and bring you joy. How can you implement small things throughout your day or week that nod to these things?

So that's from my book, The Little Book of Calm for new mums, but the major feedback has been that it is relevant, people finding it really helpful at all stages of motherhood. So don't overlook those bite-sized chunks, those little opportunities to engage in you, things that bring you joy because you're deserving of that. You're deserving of all of those bite-sized things and they add up in the end, don't they? They add up and there will be a time there will be a time in your life where there is more opportunities or you have a little bit more resources to do these things and then you can take advantage of those. But don't just put yourself on that shelf and think, you know what? I'll do that in five years when the kids are

at school. I'll do that next year. I'll do that next month. No, how can you just not to that now. How can you nod to that now? Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Ove and Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for new moms, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. between. It's a little book. You don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick

whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon. Thank you.