The Therapy Edit - On rage. The motherhood taboo

Episode Date: January 24, 2022

Mums (including myself) have felt more rage these last couple of years than ever before. I share a rageful moment along with thoughts on what to do about it!

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. I hope you are okay. So for today's episode, I want to focus in a little bit more depth on something that I've touched on a few times in previous episodes. but I just kind of want to delve a little bit more deeply into something that feels so taboo to talk about rage, motherhood, rage. I think it's taboo because the caricature, I guess, of a mum, is kind of patient and calm and nurturing and just lovely. And yet, when I feel rage, It is the utter, utter opposite of that. It is red, angry, ugly, explosive, uncontained.

Or it is just pushed down that simmering kind of passive, aggressive, all that feeling that just, it's an energy, isn't it? Do you find rage feels like an energy? Because I guess it is. And I think the reason there is so much taboo around rage in motherhood is that it does conflict with how, either we want to be or we thought we would feel as a mum and when something is taboo often then it is surrounded by shame that feeling of guilt self-judgment self-criticism and when we feel

shame around something we're far less likely to talk about it and address it now I have spoken to so many moms over the last couple of years when we've been in the pandemic we've been through different lockdowns. And like reflecting my own experience, I have heard so many mum say to me, I've never felt so angry. I have never felt so rageful. So you're not alone. If in the last couple of years, you felt that kind of that red hot, simmering, oh, that rage kind of bubbling away or exploding out. And I recall this moment in one of the lockdowns. one of the home learning lockdowns and I think I messaged my husband who was upstairs working in the spare room and I said to him I'm I'm going to blow like I need I need to swap out for a minute

I need to just get out get outside and he didn't he didn't read the message and I think it was about 20 minutes later this rage kind of bubbled over in me and I just stood in the kitchen. I think two out of three of the kids were crying or whining. I can't remember. But I just remember it was like a volcano. It was like this volcanic eruption of rage. And I stood. And I remember the hob. I was boiling pasta. And I just went. And it was this, it was carnal. It was like physical. It was this overflow. It was this just this kind of this loud, raw. Now, I've done this before. It is not the first time and it was not the last time. But it was this, this just overflow of this rage and it felt so, I felt like the Incredible Hulk,

I felt like I had been suppressing the Incredible Hulk trying to burst out of me. And in that moment, I could not suppress it anymore. And out came this rage. Now, this rage manifests in kind of passive aggressive remarks sometimes in me. Sometimes it's just this physical tension. It might be this resentment or this jealousy or that feeling of you just don't understand. It might be shouting at the kids. This rage is manifested in different ways in me and I know that you will be able to identify different ways that it comes out of you. So anyway, I was standing there with the past and this absolute raw came out of me and it wasn't an intentional thing

it wasn't a conscious this is what I'm going to do to make me feel better this is how I'm going to get it out it just was this kind of carnal physical communication of it was what was in me was coming out and my husband he ran downstairs

with his laptop and ending a conference call on his phone and he was wondering what the heck was going on And then I think one of the kids ran in from where they were watching television and was also wondering what the heck was going on. So why are so many of us feeling this rage more than ever before? Now I think two things are helpful here. Two things that I identified and that have been really helpful for me since. Number one is that rage so often, this kind of murky mixture,

this, this concoction of unexpressed feelings, unvalidated feelings and unmet needs. Those times you have had to push through the warning signs. You've had to keep calm and carry on beyond those moments that you thought, you know what, I can't, I just can't, and then you've had to, you know, those times, we all have those times where either there is no other choice, but to keep, calm and carry on or there is maybe support available but we feel guilty or we find it hard to ask for or accept or there is no support. So I think it's sometimes a mixture of circumstance and the fact that we can find it hard to express our needs and our feelings and perhaps we are

not even validating them for ourselves, let alone finding it easy to ask someone else to help us process or to take some of the weight out of it. So I think when you feel, that rage bubbling up, just ask yourself, what are those unexpressed feelings? And what are those unmet needs? And how might you use that feeling of rage as a red flag to say, you know what, you need to talk this out, you need to rant, you need to rave with a friend, you need to call, you need to walk, you need to talk, you need to move, whatever it is, what do you need? And when it's the soonest opportunity that you can get that so that you are releasing some of the pressure from that vow so that, you know, maybe this time you will not be like me where I scream,

where I feel helpless, hopeless, alone in that feeling where there is nowhere to take it and nowhere to go with it. And it just comes out in a way that is so often, you know, that was destructive and that that that less some collateral damage there was some conversations that I had to have with my kids and with my husband after that so what do you need what do you feel I think we can also dismiss the talking because talking things through doesn't change anything necessarily does it what's what's the point in ranting to a friend what's the point in in having that conversation when actually nothing changes or no one can actually do anything to practically help in that moment.

But there is so much to say in having your feelings heard and validated by someone else that helps us process it. It takes some of the weight and the fire out of it when you feel heard. So have those conversations and do those things and know that even if it doesn't shift your circumstance, it will shift those feelings.

What has been pushed down? that might need a little bit of airing, that might need acknowledgement. What are those needs that have been so chronically overlooked that perhaps you have to dig about a little bit to work out what they even are? How might you meet them in a small way at least? And the other thing that I've found really helpful is that acknowledgement that the more we are absorbing, as parents we absorb, as moms, we absorb, we absorb the tantrums,

we absorb the frustrations, we absorb the words, and we, you know, we hold, we hold our children, we contain this stuff therefore, the more we contain, the more we need to release. It's a simple science. We absorb the noise, we absorb the chaos. So where are you letting it go? What are you doing in order to help release some of that energy, some of that emotional weight, whether it's, you know, to run it out, stomp it out, stomping around the fruit farms near our house is one of mine. stomping it out, releasing it, talking it out is in those little things where you're meeting those needs and you're giving yourself something even if it's a glass of water or, you know,

just some space, claiming some space for yourself when you can so that you can release some of this weight. The more you absorb and I think the last two years we have had to absorb more than ever and those opportunities to release some of that energy, some of that stress, some of that that tension have been fewer and further between. So we have to be more intentional and creative sometimes in how we find those releases. So the next time you feel that rage build up, instead of shaming yourself, being cross and frustrated with yourself, how can you see that as a flag, as a prompt to ask yourself, what do you need?

What has been pushed down that needs some air? what have you been absorbing how might you find ways to release those because when we shame ourselves we become stuck we become the taboo of it just silences us but you are not alone and I am not alone in my roaring in the kitchen

in my physical screaming and I know that which is why I can have so much confidence in talking it through But maybe you need to talk it through with a friend. Maybe you need to be honest about some of these times so that you have more outlets for those released because you deserve that.

Take care. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe and review. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my two books called Mind Over Mother and Know Your Worth. I'm also the founder of the Mother Mind Way, a platform full of guides, resources and a community with the sole focus on supporting mother's mental and emotional well-being. It's been lovely chatting with you. Speak soon.