The Therapy Edit - On resentment

Episode Date: June 10, 2024

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit and in response to a question from a listener, Anna offers some practical steos about how you can tackle feelings of resentment that are commonly felt during motherhood. This ten minute listen will undoubtedly leave you feeling able to ask for what you need, compromise and feel less resentment as a result.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. Welcome to a little 10 minutes all on resentment this morning. If you are feeling any resentment or if that is a familiar emotion to you, you are not alone. And this listener came to me with a question that I'm going to answer in the next few minutes. So this question was something I've been thinking about recently is how much I struggle with an underlying resentment about all the things I do as a mum that go unnoticed and unappreciated. My husband is a great hands-on dad, but nonetheless, the struggles of being the default parent

are real and the mental load can be crushing. I've recently noticed that a lot of my mum rage comes from the resentment bubbling underneath. I'd really like to try and let it go. So resentment is one of those feelings that if we do not address, it really does just kind of bubble and simmer away under the surface. It can drive a wedge in our relationships. It can create that passive aggressive anger that can pop out of us. It can have us feeling frustrated, misunderstood and unseen. So I'm going to talk about resentment. I'm actually you're going to take this straight from the little book of new mom feelings. It's an A to Z of warm words for every motherhood emotion. And I'm taking this out there because I think resentment

is so important to address. And if you're, if you're kind of struggling with a resentment around the mental load in relationship, then I highly recommend that you go and pick up a copy of fair play by Eve Rogski. And it's all about kind of rebalancing your relationship. and just bringing that internal load externally so you can talk about it and find a better way to manage and juggle it. So if it's specifically resentment around the mental load, then that could be a really helpful one for you. So out of my book, I've written this under resentful. Just because your needs aren't understood, it doesn't mean that they aren't valid. Just because your needs might not be seen and understood by someone else doesn't mean that they aren't valid.

I'm so glad you're here. Honestly, I'm really pleased that you are keen to explore resentfulness, not because it's a bad feeling, but because it's one that can get really, really tricky when it's ignored. I know that acknowledging resentful feelings can feel uncomfortable if, like me, you've lived most of your life under the narrative that to be a good, person is to always respond to people kindly and patiently. Does that resonate with you? That you've learned that to be a good person is to always be kind and patient. So therefore, this feeling of resentment feels spiky and uncomfortable and wrong somehow. The fact of the matter is that relationships are challenging and needs do get overlooked and things don't feel equal. Often they aren't equal.

dynamics can be destructive, unhelpful and unfair at times. The load at home isn't always equally spread. The cost may be unseen and at times feelings misunderstood. So I've got a four-step approach to dealing with resentfulness. Number one, why? Ask yourself, why do I feel resentful? Can you pinpoint why you feel resentful and who you feel resentful towards, I bet some of you literally just leaping in here with a yes, I know exactly why I feel resentful and I know exactly who I feel resentful towards great. If it's clear in your mind, that's great. This feeling might have arisen due to lots of different situations or actions

or a general attitude over time so it might not be so easy to pinpoint. It might just be a general feeling. Resentfulness tends to involve a sense of injustice or wrongdoing, enmeshed with feelings of humiliation, envy, feeling misunderstand, or overlooked. So there's a real mixture there. And the more that we can unpick that and see it for what it is, the more that we can address it. Perhaps my why is that I'm resentful that my husband doesn't understand how much my life has changed when his seems to continue as normal. Yet nothing for me is the same, neither physically, mentally or socially. Maybe that

resonates for you. The second step is to identify which. Which needs and feelings do you feel have gone overlooked or unheard? Which behaviours have triggered this feeling a resentment for you? My witch might be that I feel I'm alone in the bone tiredness. It has depleted me of energy. And I feel jealous that my husband is just heading out for the social drinks after work and I can barely scrape my own dinner together. He will probably wake me up when he gets home making me more tired. So it's jealousy, feeling alone and that my need for sleep isn't being considered. Actually, that's really ironic because my husband is going out tonight and he is going to get home quite late. And I do this really annoying thing. And I wish I didn't, I wish I could be one of those people that just fell

asleep and didn't mind getting disturbed. But my body just won't let me if I know I'm getting disturbed. I just don't want to fall asleep. It's really, really frustrating. So yeah, that's funny that I'm reading that out right now. The what of resentment. Ask yourself, what do you need? This is step three. What would be your best case scenario? What would feel fair in this situation? My what is that I need rest. I need to feel heard and understood and I'd like it to be acknowledged that the cost of parenting is different for me than it is for him. However, it would be fair to ask that he sleeps downstairs as to not disrupt my sleep when he gets home late. And to ask him if he can take the baby on the

weekend mornings so that I can catch up or go for a walk with a friend to feel sociable. So have that little thing. What does that, what might that look like to you? What's realistic that might my might ensure that you feel your needs are being recognized and met somehow. We have to get really creative here. I know it's not, it's not easy. There are lots of logistics involved in that sometimes. And the fourth and final step is to ask yourself how. Now, how can you verbalise this or ask for these things? How might you talk this through in a constructive way? That's the tricky one, isn't it? Right? Because it's often a little bit emotionally loaded. Perhaps you agree to talk at a time when these feelings don't feel particularly triggered, such as in the moment when a feeling of resentment

is high, it will come out sideways, it will come out in probably more of an argumentative way, in a more of a you do this, you do that, you make me feel. We know that those kinds of statements just aren't really helpful in having a protective conversation. So trying to do it in a moment that you don't feel that all of those emotions are running high will enable you to discuss it more rationally and calmly, and you'll be more likely to find a resolution together. Now, I know it can feel really risky to do this, because when you put your feelings and needs out there, they may not be understood or acknowledged in a way that you are hoping. Remember, and this goes back to what I said at the start, that just because your needs aren't

understood, it doesn't mean they're not valid. Just because the feeling can't be helped, it doesn't mean that it's not worth verbalising, even if you know that at this point, moment there isn't another way. It's still worth verbalising those emotions. And then I've got a little tip because I've put a tip at the end of every little section in the book. And the tip for the resentment section is to prioritize investing in the relationships in your life. So you can build a small network of people, three or more. Yeah, actually I always say to my clients to, minimum two, two or three is ideal, three is ideal, who you can turn to. And those people really need to, ideally be affirming, kind and supportive. And they might not always be able to help or fix things,

but they can validate and support you. So there we go. A few thoughts and steps on how to deal with that resentment that rises up in you. And then that's from the little book of New Mum Feelings. And I've also recommended Eve Rodski's Fair Play book. So I hope that's helpful. Sending you love in all of these little moments of, oh, yeah, just messy emotions that that pop up. And I really hope that that's helpful. I am so excited to announce that my brand new book, The Uncomfortable Truth, Change Your Life by Taming Ten of Your Mind's Greatest Fears, is available for pre-order now and is out on the 8th of August. And in this book, we tackle some of life's big, unavoidable, uncomfortable truths such as some people don't like me.

I am going to fail. Life isn't fair. Bad things will. will happen. And in this book, we tackle these big, uncomfortable trees that rob us of so much headspace and energy as we try and control and avoid them. And as we move into a place of radical acceptance of these truths, you will find yourself living more freely and intentionally with more presence and confidence than ever before. So come on this journey with me and pre-order now at Ward Stones and Amazon. We can celebrate together. Thank you.