The Therapy Edit - On six hurdles to being the mum you want to be

Episode Date: May 1, 2023

Following the announcement of her new book 'Raising a Happier Mother', Anna shares some insight from the book and discusses the things that can prevent us from being the mothers that we want to be.So often we know what we need to do, but in the moment, when we're feeling overwhelmed and depleted, our rational selves check out. We're simply trying to make it through that moment or that day. So how can we flourish and thrive rather than merely survive?Listen in as Anna discusses six common hurdles to being the mum you want to be and shares tips for each to help you get to a better place. You don't have to be the perfect mother. Good is good enough.You can pre-order Anna's new book 'Raising a Happier Mother' here.Anna's toolkit - a suite of powerful, self-guided, interactive courses that are designed to help you delve a little deeper and nurture your own mental health and wellbeing - can be accessed here.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. Welcome to today's solo episode of the Therapy Edit. I am going to share with you six hurdles to being the mum that we can be. Now, this very much comes with an excellent. writing piece of news. If you haven't seen already on my Instagram, I have written a new book and the six hurdles that I'm going to share with you come from that book. So I'm going to give you a little bit of insight. But also the most common question that I get asked is, what do I do not to pass my anxiety or people pleasing or perfectionism onto my kids? And then there's also the

question of, you know what, I know the stuff I need to do and the ways that I want to respond and the habits that I want to put in place. But when it comes down to it, when it comes down to the wire, when I'm faced with the challenge, I just can't do it. You know, I get it. I really, really do. And I am with you. And those questions that are the most common ones, I think I get asked, are very much the basis and the motivation to writing this new book. And I once heard someone say that you write the book that you need or you write the book that you needed. And this is so true for this book. And I'm just so glad to share it with you. So the book is called Raising a Happier Mother. And it's about how to find balance, feel good and see your children

flourish as a result. So I think this is a book to read before you read all the parenting books. I think I often would look at this, these amazing selection of parenting books on my bookshelf, and I have got so many. Sometimes I just feel good even buying them. I feel like I'm doing a good thing, just having this information in my house. Reading it is often another thing. But, you know, I think so often I know the things that I need to do. I've got the information. But actually, in those moments when we're feeling overwhelmed and depleted, we're in survival mode. You know, when we're in survival mode, our rational brains, they check out, they log off for a little bit because it's not the priority. We're focusing on making it through that moment. So the whole book is about you. It's about how can we get you to a good place? How can we get you thriving and flourishing as a mum? Because then when you are in a good place, then these things just become easier to access. So I've got six hurdles. in the book, I've got six hurdles to being the mom that we want to be. Now, this isn't about being the perfect mother. It's about being, you know, us on a good day. It's about being us when

we're a bit resourced and when we're not totally sleep deprived and all of those things. So it's very much about being that good enough mother. So what are those six hurdles? And I'm going to give you a little tip for each one. Number one, we've got guilt. Because guilt, man, how often does guilt affect us. It can often drive the decisions that we make. It might impact how keen you are to engage in those things that feel supportive and nurturing to you. So guilt is something we need to reframe. Guilt is something we need to start seeing, not as a stick to beat yourself up with, but a flag to prompt you into action. So that is my tip for this little section, this little hurdle, one of the tips. So the book is obviously

jam-packed with so much more inside, but I just want to give you a tiny little taster. When you feel guilty, just remember, just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you are. Is this guilt justified? Have you actually done anything wrong? Or do you just feel guilty? Sometimes we can be in the habit of guilt, can't we? And we just immediately leap to guilt without even questioning it. So question the guilt. Do you need to feel guilty? If not, how can you let that go? And if maybe that guilt is there because you did something that wasn't ideal or responded in a way that wasn't ideal, what might you do off the back of that? What might you tweak or change? What need might you meet in yourself to resource yourself a little bit more? So how we approach guilt

is really important. It can be a real hurdle for us accessing those tools and that rationality. And number two, anger and irritability. Oh my goodness. If I could remove all the anger and irritability, I think often there would be a whole lot less guilt, definitely. But in the book I talk about, and I'd love you to take away from this podcast, just to see anger and irritability as a symptom of feeling needing, needing something or feeling depleted. They are not personality traits. Often we shame ourselves. I'm like, oh, I'm such an angry person. I'm such an irritable person. Oh, I hate that about my but actually what we do when we label ourselves is we prevent ourselves from actually just seeing

what might be beneath that what what depletion what might we be overlooking because I don't know about you when my hormones are awry when I'm overtired when I've got too much on you know those are things that I need to be addressing somehow rather than just getting cross at myself for the for the anger and the irritability that they often produce as a result number three comparison and judgment. I talk in the book actually about, there's a section where I say like comparison isn't all bad. Comparison can actually be productive and this is what I'd love you to have a think about. How is comparison getting in the way for you? How is it depleting you? How is it maybe feeding, you know, kind of sense of negative self-worth? Comparison can prompt us to

seek growth and change. If you're comparing yourself to someone, Actually, is there a part of you that might be a bit jealous? I wish I was that confident. I wish I could be calm parenting like that. You know, instead of just using it as a ruler to measure yourself and to beat yourself up, how might that feeling actually, and recognising that actually prompt you to find some tools to help you feel calm and grounded in those moments that you might fly off the handle? Perhaps you see someone doing a job that you would love to do. Maybe, you know, it might be telling you that you're not so happy in your job. What might you do within it to change it a little bit? Or what might you seek to get some additional support or to have some change? Number four, loneliness and disconnection. Now, this often impacts our well-being and motherhood, doesn't it?

You know, and the antidote to loneliness is connection. So if you're feeling that loneliness, how might you connect with someone today? It's so easy to send a quick message on WhatsApp when actually we need voice to voice and face to face far more than we get it often. So how might you connect with someone today? Can you ask someone to meet out with you,

put something in the diary even if it's a few days or a couple of weeks ahead because connecting with people feeling seen and understood and heard and validated these are the antidotes to loneliness and often what we do is we sink deeper into zoning out, don't we? We maybe scroll more or just fill our time and our space

when actually we're craving connection. Another hurdle to our well-being is often fear and anxiety. Have you got anxiety or fear that needs addressing that's just been bubbling away that you've just accepted as part of who you are and you think, oh, that's just me? You know, I just find that hard or I just, you know, I'm just often awake overthinking. You know, anxiety is a mechanism that is there to keep us safe, but it can go into overdrive

and it can rob us of rest, joy and headspace. Now, in the meantime, if this is you, I've got my book, Minday for Mother, which is all about anxiety, and I've got the reframing of anxiety course. So if that resonates with you and fear and anxiety are just these real hurdles to you thriving in where you're at in motherhood, then please do address them. Up the bar for your own well-being. Number six, the sixth hurdle that I've got in my book is about overwhelm and exhaustion. You know, how can we reframe rest so that is something that we seek and validate in our lives rather than feel guilty about and that gets edged out? You know, living outside of our resources is often what causes that overwhelm and that exhaustion and sometimes

it's really hard to find ways to slow down. So how might you slow down a little bit, even as simply as your movements, you know, from today, how can you just slow down to tell your body that you're safe and that you're okay? Because often with overwhelm, we get that, oh, it's just that height and stress feeling. You know, how might you zoom out to think of the bigger picture when the minutiae of life just feels like it's completely overwhelming? So there are six, a little insight, six of the hurdles in my new book. And you can pre-order. my book on all the normal channels and pre-ordering is a way to make sure that it comes through your letterbox when it is out. I cannot wait for you to have it. It is also a way to support

the book and you don't pay until it ship. So that's another one. But I hope those little insights and those tips have felt really helpful for you today. And yeah, sending you love and the juggle. Thank you so much for listening. Please do take a moment to subscribe, rate and review as it really helps get these words out. benefit more juggling parents like us. And head to anamatha.com to find my resources on everything from health anxiety to people pleasing, starting at only 20 pounds. And finally, don't forget to pre-order my new book, Raising a Happier Mother, How to Find Balance,

feel good and see your children flourish as a result. I can't wait for you to have that. Take care and we'll chat soon.