The Therapy Edit - On taking the stress out of small talk

Episode Date: May 22, 2023

In this solo episode, Anna shares her tried and tested top tips for taking the stress out of small talk.As a social anxiety sufferer, Anna has direct experience of the physical and mental symptoms that mingling can cause but in this episode she also ponders the impact of our reliance on surface level conversations has on our ability to dig for deeper connection, even though we crave it and we need it.Remember you can take advantage of more of Anna's therapeutic advice on social anxiety in her £20 sofa session here.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello, nearly said good morning, just because it's morning when I'm recording this. You could be listening in the middle of the night. Who knows? But I hope you're okay. And thank you for taking the time out to have a listen to my 10-minute podcast or how many minutes I always listen. to everything on one and a half speed. I can't actually go back now. When I listen on normal

speed, my brain's just trying to run ahead because I'm so used to the speed. Anyway, it's not quite as relaxing. I did try and listen to a podcast the other day on two double speed, but I just, yeah, it's too fast, too fast. Anyway, I want to talk to you about taking the stress out of small talk. You know, it's really funny, and I often reflect on this, how I am so much happier standing up in front of a group of women, a room full of people, or even striding into a live TV studio. I'm so much happier doing those things than I am making small talk. When I'm standing and mingling, my arms feel like noodles. I'm not entirely. sure what to do with my legs, which feels ridiculous because I've always had them. My mind is

skipping ahead to think of the next question I should ask, as if I am totally and utterly responsible for the conversation that I'm having with someone else, as if it is my responsibility for that conversation to go well and be enjoyable. Everything in me craves sitting down with a cup of something to hold, water, tea, and just talking. Just talking. Just a little. Just a talking with that other person, I find it so hard, standing up and mingling. And I've always found it really, really hard. I actually used to find it really quite anxiety provoking, which is so funny because I'm pretty sure no one ever knew that. I would feel quite panicked going into a room full of people. And perhaps that's why I find it easier talking in front of people, because I have

a role. I have something to do. I'm always happier making the tea. having a job than doing the mingling. So if you relate to this in any way, or you just find small talk cringy or difficult, then this episode is for you because I'm going to share five tips, things that I really, really lean towards and lean on, things that really help me. Now, I used to think my discomfort with small talk was purely down to social anxiety. I absolutely had and sometimes do have social anxiety. But I also realize that mostly it's down to the fact that we have more than enough surface level communication in our lives, don't we? We are swimming in surface level communication through phones and pixels and haste conversations at school gates

and nursery drop-offs and top line, sure, quick, we don't go deep. But our hearts and our minds crave the comfort of deeper connection. We need connection. We are wired, wired to connect with one another at much deeper level than that which we do. Now, I've grown in confidence for sure. I don't have to fake it to make it as much anymore. I experience less anxiety socially, but I still feel so much more comfortable. in my flow and I have a roll or I'm sat on a sofa for some reason just sitting down with one other person or just a small group of people, I feel so much more relaxed than just standing up and feeling quite awkward and not knowing quite what to do with my needle arms. So I've got some

tips for you. But first of all, I think it would be really helpful for us to think about what what actually is small talk is really important that we know how to do small talk for our jobs for you know it's important ways to build rapport with other people to build connection to build relationships it can feel like a starting block might be that in your job you need to network you need to be going to events and meetings with people that you do not know where there will be that time standing around mingling that perhaps you find difficult like me Small talk refers to an informal, polite conversation that often focuses on unimportant or trivial topics. It's something that we probably need to be able to do in our lives.

Situations will pop up where you need these things. They're just social transactions and they're not very deep, but they are necessary. So here are my five tips. Number one, go armed with some open-ended questions, not yes and no questions. It might be about travel. How did you, how did you get here today? Did you hit that traffic? Oh gosh, the, the train was late. I got a bit stressed. I've run all the way from the train station. I'm feeling really sweaty. I feel like I've just barreled into this situation. How long have you been coming to this group? How did you find out about it? What did you get up to at the weekend? Oh, it's bank holiday. I'm recording this on a bank holiday weekend.

There are so many bank holidays in May, not that I'm complaining. But what are you doing on the bank holiday weekend? How did you feel about home learning in the pandemic? Oh my goodness, I still can't look at my printer. What can you ask someone about? Go armed with some open-ended questions. People do feel so much more comfortable talking about themselves because we know about ourselves.

So it's, you know, getting someone on quite a strong topic. Number two, know that everyone has a story. And this is more about connecting with the humanness. It's not that you need to know that story, but just knowing that you are standing with someone that has stories that you may never know, but they, they know how it feels to feel fear, to feel guilt, shame, to have secrets, to be excited, things that make them laugh so much that their sides hurt, like we might not know what we have in common, but we have so many things in common. We know what it feels like to feel fear and grief and anxiety and all of those things. And often when I do a brunch or I do a talk or a treat or something like that, I invite people

just to listen to me as I share all of those things that we have in common, even if we don't know one another. So it's that sense of knowingness on some level that you you get each other on some levels, just knowing that can be really helpful. It's a bit like that tip, you know, when you feel really intimidated, what is it? What's that tip? When you feel really intimidated by someone, imagine them sitting on the toilet or something like that. And I think it's very much about just remind yourself that they are human, no matter what part of them you're seeing, they are vulnerable, they are human too. And I feel like that just puts me at ease. They might, they might have social anxiety. They might be finding it very difficult. Now number three is if you find

it, so if you know that there's something that really helps you feel comfortable, then see if you can facilitate that somehow. The other day I had to have photos taken and I said, can I just hold something in my hand? So I held an empty glass. I held an empty glass because it just made me feel more comfortable. And it made me feel like I wasn't so unsure as to what to do with my arms and my body, because I was just holding something. It just made me feel a little bit more comfortable. I often feel more comfortable in these situations if I'm holding a mug or a drink or a piece of food or something like that, even if I'm not drinking or eating it. For me, that's just the thing. And I also feel more comfortable sitting down. So maybe I'd say to someone, oh,

just go and sit down for a, if you feel more comfortable that way, then see if you can facilitate it. Number four is be honest. I'm terrible at small talk. I find these things so tough are things I've said before that have actually just had this relieved, oh my gosh, me too. Response. And suddenly you're connecting on a different level. A little bit of honesty. I felt so, oh, I just felt butterflies coming in here. I've not done anything like this in a while. Just a little moment of honesty. You can feel like a vulnerable thing to do, especially if someone doesn't respond in a way that echoes. how you're feeling, but you're honoring yourself in that. And you know what often people will. And that can be really helpful. The final thing is have an exit strategy. Just when you're

talking to someone and you want to move on or you want to take a breather, just to, and this is something that can take a bit of time to gain confidence in. So lovely to me. I'm just going to go and get another coffee. I'm just going to just going to go make sure that my kid is okay. Oh, I'm just going to, so lovely to meet you. I'm just going to try and do a little bit more mingling. before we eat. Hopefully I'll run into you again. Have some sentences up your sleeve that really warmly enable you to step away. And honestly, you will find these easier to to express in time as you realize that people don't just feel rejected and that it's okay to move on, especially in these kind of contexts. Anyway, so if you find small talk card, hopefully those things will help and you are not

alone. You can come and talk to me at an event or wherever and we can talk about how we don't like it together and that will really help. Take care. Thank you so much for listening. Please do take a moment to subscribe, rate and review as it really helps get these words out to benefit more juggling parents like us and head to anamatha.com to find my resources on everything from health anxiety to people pleasing starting at only 20 parents. And finally, don't forget to pre-order my new book, Raising a Happier Mother, How to Find Balance, Feel Good, and See Your Children Flourish as a result. I can't wait for you to have that. Take care and we'll chat soon.