The Therapy Edit - On taming the inner critic

Episode Date: September 26, 2022

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit Anna shares her thoughts on ideas on how you can tame the inner critic and internal voice that might be stifling your feelings of self worth.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi, welcome to a solo episode of The Therapy Edit. We are going to, for the next 10 minutes, talk about taming, that inner critic. For me, the inner critic has been the main, the main driver. I think over so many years, too many years of my life, to wanting to be better perfectionism. It's fueled perfectionism. It's fueled fear of judgment. It's fueled people pleasing behavior.

All because I've had this constant internal dialogue prodding away at me, reminding me that in and of myself, I am not good enough. I'm not doing well enough. I'm not doing fast enough. I'm not doing hard enough. always just kind of prompt prompting and chipping away at and hacking away at in in small ways and in huge ways my self-esteem. And it has been utterly life-changing for me to address this inner critic. And today I'm going to read for you a chapter from The Little Book of Calm for New Mums and it's on addressing the loud inner critic.

So this is the little chapter that you would hop to if in the page of emotions at the beginning of the book and there's loads of different emotions and you just hop to whatever emotion that you need. So this is the loud inner critic section. And first of all, I just want to read a lovely review. Honestly, it means the world. When you take a moment, because I know the admin list

never you know it never gives up so the fact that you take a moment to review on amazon it honestly means so much and it makes a massive difference so here's a review that olu kindly write beautiful and very helpful for busy moms what's great is that this has chapters with headings dependent on how you feel on that day so it's quick and snappy to read as busy moms often don't have the luxury to sit down with a book this allows you to jump in and out depending on your needs Anna writes so well and honest bringing in her own experience of motherhood and helpful techniques without the psychology terminology. Thank you so much, Olu, honestly. Yeah, it means a huge amount that you took the time to write that.

So loud in a critic section. The way you speak to yourself in the silence of your mind is the single most important conversation you'll ever have in your life. Let's read that bit again. the way you speak to yourself in the silence of your mind is the most important conversation you will ever have in your life and it is a conversation isn't it often we literally argue with ourselves sometimes it feels like a conversation it detects your self-esteem how deserving you feel of good things and how well you feel able to accept support and love from those around you it's massive it's literally the foundation of how we interact with people and the world around us.

How do you speak to yourself? If it's tricky to answer that question, how do you respond to yourself when you drop a bottle of baby milk or when you're late for an appointment? Do you respond with a kind, oh dear, these things happen or a critical, can't you do anything right? For many years, my inner chatter sounded like that of a bully.

I found it hard to accept support when I needed it. let alone ask for it. I felt undeserving of my own beautiful baby because he had no idea how much of a failure his mother was. Honestly, I used to just think, you love me, but if you flippin you knew how rubbish I was at this, then you would change your mind of one day when you grew up, you're probably going to realise that. You know what? It turns out I wasn't a failure. I wasn't a disappointment or a mess. Those things were not me. They were a narrative. in my mind. Now, it definitely was a bit of those things, but they were not who I was. And I think this is the difference, isn't it? You know, we can fail at things, but it's when our inner dialogue

says, well, because you've failed, because you're a bit of a mess or you messed that up, that is who you are. Now, that is so different. Failing at something and being a failure are two different things. One is what happened and the other one is incredibly shaming. You know, the wonderful thing about narratives I've written is that we can change them. What would it feel like to speak to someone you love in the way you speak to yourself? This is a question I often ask in the coaching sessions that I do with moms one to one. I ask, you know, we kind of dig a little bit into the internal dialogue and I say, would you speak to your child in the way that you speak to yourself? And it's a sucker punch in the stomach, isn't it? Because we start to think, how might it impact your little

one's self-esteem as they grew to the tune of those words? Because quite frankly, if it's not good enough for them, it's not good enough for you either. Begin to recognize how you talk to yourself, how you respond internally to what's going on around you and what you do. You cannot control this first thought, but you can do something with it. Don't let it get the last say on the matter. Don't let it go unaddressed. Follow it up with a kinder, more compassionate narrative. Because when we don't address it, it just becomes more and more ingrained, entrenched and habitual and more likely to pop out quicker and harsher and louder next time. For example, your first thought might be, I can't believe I forgot my friend's birthday, how stupid. Your second. Your second,

thought might be. These things happen. It's not surprising really. My mind is so tired and I'm juggling a lot. I'm sure she'll understand. Sure, it might feel a bit silly and it might be particularly tricky when your mind is tired and your energy is low. But I promise, I promise it's a worthwhile investment of your energy and you'll slowly see how beneficial this change can be. I can wholeheartedly say that addressing my internal dialogue has been life-changing for me. So there we go. It's that first thought, it's that first recognition of that inner critic that pops in and pipes up.

And then it's that second thought. It's that opportunity to think, you know what? Would I say that to someone that I cared about? Would I say that to someone that I value, someone that I cherish, someone that I wanted to boost their awareness of their value, not damage it? You know, if I would not say that to them, then quite frankly, you know, if you believe that we have the same worth, you know, if you believe that human beings are valuable, then we also have to

believe that you are not the exception to that rule. Whether you feel like it or not, how much awareness you have of it or not, we have to dare to believe that we are as worthy as our child as the people that we care about, about kindness and compassion. Because that is what develops and nurtures our self-esteem and our confidence, whereas this critical first voice, this critical first dialogue, and this narrative, this is the one that is going to be damaging to those things. So a tip that I've written is, because I put a tip in each chapter, is to write down some of the critical or impatient things you've been saying to yourself recently. And imagine what a friend might say in response. Grab this list.

as a prompt next time you recognize that your inner critic is trying to have the last say because it can be much harder to come up against it, can't it? When we are tired and wired and have no headspace and little sleep. So perhaps just take a moment to grab your phone or grab your journal or grab the back of a receipt and write down some of that critical narrative that has been cropping up for you recently and then just write down something to counterat up, something to balance it, something that you would share or say to a friend or someone that you valued. And then that's there. That's there. That's accessible. Tuck it somewhere that you can grab it and read it when you need it. I hope that helps you as much as it has helped and transformed things

for me. Not all of the time, but more of the time. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Oath and Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book, you don't need to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity.

You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.