The Therapy Edit - On the importance of challenging independence

Episode Date: February 26, 2024

In today's solo episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna considers how some of us approach a need to be fiercely independent and how we're hard wired to perceive that asking for accepting help is a sign of failure.If this sounds like you, be sure to have a listen. It's also a total joy when we hear about friends sharing episode links via WhatsApps or texts - if you know someone whose independence is making their lives harder than they need to be, this could be a great gift to pass along.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. I bring to you today a little solo episode with just me for the next 10 minutes. We're going to talk about that kind of independence and why it's really good to challenge. that. Now, I think from a really young age, we're taught to be independent, and we? We're taught to feed ourselves. We're talked to walk without help. We're then taught to write. We're talked to all of these kind of milestones that focus on us being up to do things for ourselves. And it's applauded when we can do that. I'm absolutely delighted that my kids are now at a stage

and I literally never thought this would ever come where they dress themselves. I mean, my younger, she's just about to turn five and often she will you know in the moment suddenly totally forget that she even has the ability to dress herself I think that's more about wanting the connection with me in the morning rather than actually losing the ability to do so but we are taught to be independent and then we're taught to go off our studies move out of home be independent I remember moving into university at just 19 and feeling so grown up and thinking, I've got my independence. I've got my independence. And it's applauded, isn't it? It's applauded and often we have learned to be independent in more ways than perhaps we needed to at younger ages than perhaps

we needed to. And often the work I do therapeutically with clients is introducing a little bit of kind of interdependence, which means kind of leaning into that real truth that as humans, we need each other. We need each other. We need other people. We need to be able to lean on people that needs to feel like something that is possible for us to do. And it might be the independence for you isn't just about being a grown-up and not needing a parent to help you navigate some of the kind of more simple challenges in life. Perhaps in childhood you had to be independent in other ways that maybe a bit of interdependence, dependence on parents would have been really good. Maybe it was that you had to be dependent and sort yourself out and meet your own needs

physically, perhaps, or emotionally. Maybe you knew that it wasn't really safe. It didn't feel safe or a caregiver wasn't able to help you process or to contain some of those messy emotions that you felt as you just learned to feel and navigate the world as a child or a teenager. So you just learned that you had to be independent. I have to sort myself out. I've got this. And sometimes what happens is that we learn that we need to do things in our own strength all the time. And I remember there was a lot of going on when I was a child and when my sister was so and while she died of cancer when she was nearly seven. And

I think there was just so much grief going on there. I didn't want to add to the noise. So I didn't want to really externalize feelings and emotions because I didn't want to. There was so much upset going on. So I just internalized things. And I took that survival. that coping mechanism, and this is often what happens, we take these coping mechanisms on into later life when actually they don't service in the same way because we're not in that survival place anymore. But then it can become really hard to let people be there for us. And I found it for a long time even into having children really hard to allow people to support me, allow people

to see behind my closed doors, my behind the scenes. And that was normally around kind of emotions if someone wanted to be kind or help me or offer to support me, even down to my husband, my partner saying, how can I help with the baby? No, no, it's fine. I've got this covered. I've got this covered and it becomes a way of life and actually we need people. Anyway, that is why I'm going to talk about the importance of not always being self-sufficient. And I'm reading a section from raising a happier mother.

But whilst in the book I talk about the impact of the motherhood fantasy, this belief that, you know, for often, for many of us, it's that perfectionistic belief that, that self-sufficient belief that we need to meet all our own needs. I talk about some of the impact of that. So I'm just going to read a little section out for you. And it's called suffocating self-sufficiency. So this is some of the consequences of not addressing that. fantasy version of motherhood that we so often reach for. And it starts with Gerda saying, sometimes I can do it all, sometimes I know I can't, but I try anyway, don't we relate to that? The I've got this is a common symptom of the motherhood fantasy,

and it often finds a scraping together resources we do not have to spare, turning down offers of support or putting on a brave face when really what we need is a hug. My client Dora reflected on this. I needed to get things right in motherhood. I know I was harsh on myself, but I realized how terrified I was of other people thinking I was failing. I remember one time coming off shift and going straight to the school run. I felt like crying with tiredness.

A school mum offered to help carry the kids massive sports bags, and honestly, I barked, I'm fine, so loudly at her that she looked shocked. I asked Dora what she would have said if she could have said anything to that mum. I'd have said I want to say yes but I don't want you to think I can't cope Doris' fear of people seeing her vulnerability kept her from accepting

the support that she needed it made her feel distance from others when she was struggling sometimes we can be self-sufficient we can meet our own needs and we can dig deep within our resources in order to take care of

ourselves and our children without any additional support We can do that sometimes, right? You may have no choices to whether you lean on your own resources or not. Sometimes we don't have a choice. The challenge with, don't worry about me, I've got this, I'll figure it out, is that while we might feel safer behind our wall of self-sufficiency, it can be a very lonely place to be, as the wall we have built keeps others out.

my togetherness, my outward display of perfectionism, was the barrier that sat between me and others. For years it felt like this brave, wise, self-sufficiency, but I realise now that it was fear. Fear of my own brokenness. Fear that if I let someone hear my story, it would be too much. It would be a burden. Nobody can fix me. Nobody can replay my childhood with less grief, less trauma and less dysfunction. and so what's the point? I don't want to feel undone because what if I can't be put back together again? If this resonates with you, lovely listener,

and your I've got this attitude actually conceals a different story. Know this. Someone might not be able to help you or fix what you're going through, but they can stand alongside you as you journey through it. You may feel lonely,

but you are not alone. In a culture of the question, quick fix. We might wonder what's the point in saying anything when nothing can be done? But being recognized is vital. Being recognized for how you feel on what you're going through. Having your story heard even if it cannot be changed. When my sister died, nobody could fix it for us. They could deliver lasagna to the doorstep flowers to the grave, but they couldn't relieve us of the dark pain of grease. So what was the point? Why didn't we just get our heads down and power? were through. Well, when we saw the tears in friends' eyes as they acknowledged our loss, we felt

seen. We didn't feel better, but we didn't feel alone and that was a gift. In your motherhood challenges, as you listen to this, whatever you are facing now, as you share with those who really hear and recognise your feelings, be it through online or in person connection, you might not feel better but you realise that you're not alone. And it is through connecting with and leaning on that compassion from other people that we experience the richness of relationship, sending hairline cracks through loneliness and isolation. And as for me, my ultimate fear was that in being more open with those around me, I might end up more alone.

My truth might be too much too complex, too overwhelming for them. I feared that vulnerability would push people away. Yet, let me tell you this in practice, I have found the opposite to be true. true. In truth, it has brought the right people closer. I now know that allowing myself to be vulnerable, letting down the I'm fine shield when I'm not fine is what I need to do when I feel alone. So there we go. That was read directly from raising a happier mother. Hopefully those words just feel affirming and reassuring. If you are someone who is very much of the, I've got this, don't worry about me, I'm fine, I don't want to burden anyone. Hopefully it's that little

encouragement that even if someone cannot change, fix, alleviate your stress, your challenges, your struggles, they can walk beside you as you as you grew up with those things. And that's so valuable. Anyway, I'm sending you love as you navigate the week ahead. Please feel free, just board this onto a friend via WhatsApp or send them a link or something because it is honestly, the fire to my podcasting, the fuel to my podcasting fire is what I mean when I know that, yeah, that you are feeling able to use these little episodes as a way of loving your friends and supporting them just makes me so happy. But yeah, thanks for listening. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you have enjoyed it,

don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses and everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website, Anna Martha.com. And also, don't forget my brand new book, Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.